Karl-Heinz writes

In response to my email from a week ago:

Hi Articulate:

It is good to hear from you. I am not quite sure if I have the kind of
position that you are looking for.

I have an NIH grant on x & y under review. That grant has a postdoc position in it, but I won't hear about it until November. I have currently one postdoc position that is not filled, but there is only 5-6 more months of funding left. It is an x & z project. I might get a second year of funding, but I won't know for another few months.

You might be eligible for a National Research Science Award. These are postdoctoral fellowships from the NIH. You would need an advisor that has NIH grant support (which I have). I would be willing to sponsor you for this grant category if you want to work with me.

Hope this gives you some information. Let me know if you want to explore this further.

Best,
Karl-Heinz

updated to add:

Dear Karl-Heinz,

This all sounds good. I'd like to hear more about your x & z and x & y projects. Could you send me the proposals or an abstract? I have an outstanding NEH grant myself on [related area]. I won't hear back on that until December. Thinking about my 5-10 year goal (to be a director of a center for the study of x & y), a post-doc in cognitive neuroscience today, honing up my knowledge and experience in that domain, especially in your lab which is focused in my area of interest, would be quite useful. So, I'm flexible on details. Let's keep talking.

Best,
Articulate

What makes you happy?

Okay, so here's an observation and a question. The thing I've learned is that the grass is always greener on the other side, it's just the other side is always... well, the other side. :)

No matter how much you have in life, there is always something lacking. Our dreams change, our expectations alter, our goals shift. Out here in the academoblogosphere, I learn that while I am miserable about this job search, about the uncertainty of my status, of whether the effort in this direction or that will pay off down the road, I realize that there are many others who have the things I ostensibly want (a tenure track job, for instance) who are truly none the happier for it.

There are those who suffered like I for years seeking a post, getting ever more bitter along the way, only to attain that dream, then have it shattered by closed-mindedness and bigotry, or what have you. And there are many more who look at what I do have in life with great envy. I mean, I have a wonderful spouse, two beautiful creative boys, a comfortable amount of savings, and a great deal of freedom to choose my path.

I don't want to be bitter. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth, and makes it harder to enjoy all the delicious foods I cook. As What Now? recently put it in a comment on this blog:

My friends hung in there with me, but I didn't like being around me!

And there you have it in a nutshell. But the question remains, what makes someone happy? How do we get there? BrightStar recently asked similar questions.

I recall when my wife was miserable those many years ago, before we moved to Paradise for me to pursue the PhD. What I recognized in her was that it was all attitude and expectations. She had entered her field with wide-eyed idealism. She wanted to change the world for the better, colonize space, explore the universe. And what she wound up doing was working indirectly on television satellites, so people could have 113 channels instead of 103.

She was ready for a change, and we took one. She contemplated going back to school, or entering a different field entirely. She's the scientist with the soul of an artist, and I'm the artist with the heart of a scientist. Together we make a pretty good pair. In the end, she figured the move 1100 miles was change enough, so she stuck to her work. It was a known quantity.

I asked her this morning whether she were happy with work. Pretty much, sometimes. Ah, so there's the clincher. It's us, not it. Look inside, my friend, myself. Find what it is you want.

High Valley, step two (but will I apply?)

Hi Tasse,

I just saw this post come up at High Valley Community College. Deadline is this Friday. I'm planning to apply. At least I know the Rocket Scientist could get a good job within about an hour's drive, and it'd finally give me a jumpstart on my career. My 5-10 year goal is to be a director of a center for the study of x & y. The question is, how do I get there. Wallowing in unemployed uncertainty, even actively pursuing publications and conference presentations (which I'm doing), isn't necessarily going to get me there any faster.

I have been considering options for postdocs in [the science end of things]. Yet, the director of a lab in the UK, where I applied for a recent opening stated that she'd have shortlisted me, but for the fact that I'm not an EU citizen, and they must give preference to EU candidates, as long as they meet the minimum qualifications. So, the idea of finding a post in the UK is pretty much shot, though I keep trying. At least in that case I know why.

We've taken the attitude that our principal goal at the moment is to find meaningful work for both of us (ideally within an hour's commute of each other) that will keep us occupied and satisfied for 3-5 years. The hope is that the next 3-5 will get me closer to my 5-10 goal.

In any case, attached is the CV I've worked up for the dean position, and the job description. I've also asked Dean Horowitz (with whom I had lunch a couple weeks ago) whether he'd be willing to serve as an additional reference. Not holding my breath on this one (as I'm not on any of the jobs I apply for). But I do think it's getting to be time for some positive developments. I begin to tire of my own impatience.

Let me know your thoughts, I know this is territory you have some experience with.

Best,

Articulate

Dear Articulate:

Ah, so your ego can't take my idea of the "three year fellowship"? I don't blame you. it's hard, really hard to make that work. Although, i might add, that once you get involved with your "meaningful employment" you'll realize how much crap there is in that world too, and perhaps you'll long for the good old days. (Some of this is on faith, but I have the example of Wife, M.D. before me. Believe it or not, she got fired from her job as department chair in March. She was devastated, of course, but I seldom recall her being happier than she is now...)

Anyway, you can always count on me for a rec.

Sending you warm wishes, and a special brucha or two towards the job you want.

Cheers,
Tasse

Dear Michael [Dean Horowitz],
I'm planning to submit this Friday an application for a Dean's position at High Valley Community College. If it were to work out, it'd be a good opportunity for my wife and I to work in the same geographic region, and for me to finally jumpstart my career in academia. Would you be willing to serve as one of my references?

Attached, for your perusal, is the job listing and the CV I've worked up for the application.

Best regards,
Articulate

Dear Articulate,

I'd be honored.

Michael

Five year plan dilemma

High Valley Community College
Division Dean of X
Salary: $98,439-$113,398/Annually
$100,369-$115,328 (earned doctorate degree)

Advocate and promote quality instruction and student success; develop and maintain a campus climate based on trust, collaboration and respect; and encourage and facilitate change. Under the general supervision of the Assistant Superintendent/Vice President for Instructional Services, the Division Dean, X will provide leadership for the division and will be responsible for the management and supervision of programs and staff.

Deadline date: Friday, August 11, 2006

Alright. First off, do I qualify? Let's see:

• knowledge of state laws, rules, and regulations pertaining to community colleges (uh... nope)
• collective bargaining contracts (I'm like, what, a union specialist here?... nope)
• budget management (Sure, I can handle a budget, but the budgets I've managed are small... but hey, I've been treasurer of a small professional society for 8 years now. That should count)
• grant proposals and fundraising (uh... check! I've gotten myself quite a few grants. I've got over five years fundraising experience, 3 for a university foundation, and another year or so for a non-profit relevant to the division's focus)
• experience with the diverse needs of non-traditional students (um... yeah. Look I've been a non-traditional student much of my life. My bachelor's degree -here's a tidbit for you- is a B.G.S., that's Bachelor of General Studies, albeit with High Honors, from the College of Continuing Studies at a major state research university. I've attended, all told, for varying lengths, count 'em, SEVEN post-secondary schools, community colleges, research one universities, and private liberal arts schools. I've taught at a community college for non-majors, and lectured for graduate students and faculty in R1 programs. I'm good)
• individualizing the instructional program (ha! You mean for me, or for others? I think I could do this. Check)
• manage relationships with private and public employers and community-based organizations (I think so. I've served on the board at a community theater, a big brothers/big sisters league)
• professional organizations (yeah, done that. I think I could handle it)
• Posess a Master's Degree or higher (uh... yeah. Got that.)
• Significant experience or educational achievement in one of the disciplines (uh, yeah, I think so)
• Three years or more faculty experience at the secondary or college level. (Probably. I taught six terms, including summers, at the community college, before my PhD. I was the principal instructor for a graduate course at my doctoral institution. I taught privately, but at the college level, for another three years. I've guest lectured for 7 classes over the past five years, all at the university level. Additionally, I've given 6 invited lectures at universities during the same period)

So, then, what would keep me from applying? Well, is this where I want to be? Now, or in the future? See, that's the clincher. I know where I want to be in 5-10. I want to be director of an interdisciplinary institute or center on my area of study, bringing together researchers and faculty from a variety of disciplines and methodological backgrounds to focus on the subject matter. I want to live and work in the same general geographic area as my wife and family. I'm talking ideally within an hour of where she works, so neither of us would have too much of a commute. I want both of us to have meaningful work, where we are productive, appreciated, and well-utilized.

That said, we're on a five year plan. What happens over the next few years is in service to that 5-10 year goal, period! This opportunity is about 80 miles from a place where the Rocket Scientist could likely get work in her area of expertise. It's also about 50 miles from another location, which though she hasn't heard any recruitment mumblings from there, we do have a friend who works there, someone she worked with in the late 90s.

Those are all on the upside. Also, just look at that salary range. We're talking a good twice what I could be making as a junior asst. prof. somewhere, if I could even land such a post. I like being a leader. I think I listen well, I handle challenges reasonably well, I'm able to grasp various viewpoints, and the needs of disparate constituencies. I'd make a good dean. I always thought it was something I'd move into after gaining years of experience, but why not start at the top and work down?

Downs: well, do I really want all the stress of management? Would the distractions keep me from getting any research done? Would I get stuck, and eventually forget the 5-10 year goals?

I don't know. It's still a lot of work to hone that CV for an administrative post. But, maybe I should do it. What a life. One day, I apply for adjunct positions, with no benefits, no job security, and pay somewhere south of janitorial staff, the next I'm thinking of applying for this.

Any thoughts?

What I am doing

Thanks to my friends for comments, sympathy, and encouragement on my downer post from yesterday.

Yes indeed, I am doing things to stay afloat. Yesterday, I submitted a conference abstract for a [Field 2] conference in the coming winter in Germany. I've got another abstract to submit this week for a conference in the UK. This latter one was brought to my attention by one of the organizers in a request that I add it to the conferences page of my PRW. The focus of the conference is the exact cross-disciplinary topic of my research website.

I'm trying to keep up on deadlines, and keep up on my summer goals as well (though I won't fret too much if I don't actually submit four articles!). It's the job applications, and the associated inquiries, that get me down mostly. I keep looking ahead and all I see is a massive tangle of options, like some nightmarish futuristic vision of highway cloverleafs in 5 dimensional space! Aaaaahhh!

Inventive

I just have to share this with you. The Inventor, at 20 months, has become quite the articulate one (albeit still holophrastically). His latest favorite ritual is to find me at the laptop, wherever I may be in the house, look me dead in the eyes and state "up" or "done", followed quickly by a sweeping hand gesture and the word "close". It's so charming that I have to oblige, at least 80% of the time. That's all.

What have I become?

Years ago, a friend of my wife's (let's call her Kay) would call, every few weeks or so, with one purpose alone: to bemoan the state of her romantic life. She would flit from one deadbeat to another, each relationship lasting a few spare months or weeks, usually dangling on by a thread for the longer than the shorter, just to make her that bit more miserable, and to enable her to bore me and my wife to tears as she recounted the horrors of her existence. As you might suspect, my wife (as ever) had more patience than I. Fortunately, Kay eventually found a fine fellow (though I can't account for his sense of taste!), and we attended the wedding.

The point of this is neither to introduce you to Kay, nor to discuss relationships, but rather to introduce an annoying element of people: their undying propensity to bore others with their whining. And, as the song says "... and here I go, again". What have I become?

I'm a whiner. I'm a sad sack, miserable, mumbling, can't get anywhere kind of a guy. I don't smile enough anymore. I'm not as nice to people as I would like to be. I more often recognize their incompetence than their humanity.

Sheepish on Happy Ending recently posed the question: Work is what you do, not who you are. Agree or disagree?. But... what I am right now is miserable. Sure, my work is merely one aspect of my life, but just now, I'm stuck... because without that aspect of my life on track, any track please!, I'm adrift, lost without a compass, no heading, no wind, no stars, just... empty.

And thus, I find myself become a wretch with whom any of my former selves would shirk to associate. Indeed, even the wretch of myself that I am becoming recognizes this, as his eye contact (with anyone) is kept for the most part to a bare minimum. Not me. Not like me. I'm an outgoing, jolly, happy, sociable, clever, fun, roll-with-the-punches, chameleon kind of a fellow. But what have I become?

Coming soon... the book meme

Okay, so now I've been tagged (at least) twice on this book meme, by Trillwing and Propter-doc. I guess I need to step up to the plate and swing. Coming soon...

Time on my hands...

... and I guess that's why they call them the blues.

For everything... there is a season.
I suppose for me this is the season of existential crises.

Not all is bad. I feel we still, as a family, are on the cusp of something, some big change. But you can only trim the sails, according to the wind. There are some things we have no power over. The winds are still unsettled, and our course is yet to be charted.

The inlaws afforded the Rocket Scientist and me some well appreciated (and I think well deserved) time to take our next sailing class, together for once. We took a private lesson, just the two of us with an instructor, two full days (9-5) on Thursday and Friday. The tests were yesterday morning, and we both passed.

We're now certified to sail (and operate) a vessel about 30 feet in length. On Sunday, we take the whole crew out (the boys, the inlaws, the au pair and one of her friends) on a 42 footer. I guess the folks at the sailing center trust we'll do well enough to rent a bit above certification. It should be nice.

But then, the time passes, and I'm back where I am, wondering which path to tread. There's a postdoc opportunity in the mountains far away from here. It's similar to the one I was recently passed over in the UK. I checked the airplane commutability of it, from the nearest airport to Rocket Central (assuming, of course, because we've yet to hear anything official!). In my strange fantasy of a world, it's manageable (if I could work only 4 days per week on campus). Possible.

Dear Steve,

I just noticed your posting on PostdocJobs.com. My PhD is in [Field 1] and [Interdisciplinary Field] from the University of Paradise. Currently, I am a postdoctoral Visiting Scholar in [Field 2]. My research interests focus on [Research Focus].

My work has included a great deal of study of the neuroscience and psychology literature, however I've yet to engage in hands-on imaging myself. Moving my research directly into the realm of brain imaging has long been my intention. This post-doc could provide me the perfect opportunity to develop those skills and experience, while contributing to the field through my background and training in [Field 1], [Field 2] and [Interdisciplinary Field].

I attach my current CV. You may also visit my research website at [URL], which includes several research proposals. As an indication of my background in these areas, see in particular my [Relevant Annotated Bibliography] listed in the sidebar.

Please let me know if [your lab] would welcome my application for this post. I thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

Yours,
Articulate

Articulate,
You sound like you have an interesting background. I'm looking for someone with neurobiology background, but your research approach might be applicable. I've also attached a couple pdf's so you can read up on some of my lab's recent work. If you think this might be within your sphere of interest, by all means send in your application.

Sincerely
Steve

I'm reading. But the more I read, and the more I think about moving into the science end of my interests, the more it feels right to me. I'm saddened by the thought that I have wasted much of the past six years, pursuing a degree in the wrong field. But then, in sober moments, I realize my true field is amorphous. I know what I'm studying, it simply doesn't fit squarely within the confines of an established university discipline. That's alright. I've chosen my area of research, because it is what most interests me. And, frankly, while I admit it's within the realm of considerations, I'm not really planning to go to medical school next year. What can I do as a post-doc, starting where I am, to most efficiently get where I want to be?

When I mentioned the prospect of a long commute for me to Young Mountain City, my wife proposed that she of course could look for work in that area. Ah, yes. That's our plan, our goal: find meaningful work for both of us in the same geographic area; find someplace that we can live and settle for the next 3-5 years. Can't ask much more than that for the time being. Nothing is certain. But it's a goal.

Which way to turn? That's the question.

[Here's from a colleague, someone I admire and respect who happens to work in my research area from the science end. He had written to congratulate me on my recent publication, and this is the result of the ensuing email exchange]:

Hi Articulate,

I guess one fundamental choice you have to make is whether you plan to stick to [Field 1] or move into [Field 3]/ [Interdisciplinary Field]. If you choose the latter, you'll probably want to consider getting some training (e.g. at least a Master's degree). Probably more school is the last thing you want right now.

You have a strong background in [Field 1] and I imagine that you are a gifted teacher, so my personal advice would be to look for a position in that field.

Regards,
Anand

[Sent to another lab director, whom I met at an SII conference a couple years ago, and with whom I've kept up occasional contact]:

Dear Karl-Heinz,

I am currently on the market for appropriate research opportunities. I very much wish to move more into the realm of imaging studies, and to develop my skills in that domain. I would like to inquire as to what opportunities there might be for me to serve as a post-doctoral researcher in your lab. Attached please find my current CV. For further information about my interests and activities, you may visit my research website at [URL]

Best regards,

Articulate

Inlaws visiting

Hello Friends,

Just a quick check-in. My inlaws are visiting, the Rocket Scientist and I are still waiting for the offer from Rocket Central, and for any other news that might come. I did get a couple more "we hired someone else" letters this week, including one from Tough Commute University. Back to the drawing board.

I contacted a Career Coach, whom I'll be talking to for an initial consultation this week. Started reading a book on academic publishing. I'm pushing ahead. Articles, conference papers, a book or two. But, this week is mostly vacation. My wife is taking off from work (though she remains "on call" if they need her), and the inlaws are here. I'm trying not to hibernate. Enjoying my wonderful family is an important reminder that life indeed is good.

Be well, I'll be checking in as I can, and I'm sure I will have much to say, as the silent contemplations of this week settle in.

Hussein

Can anyone explain to me why the trial of Saddam Hussein has now adjourned until October when he'll received his sentence, except for one itsy bitsy little tidbit? Um... isn't October just a month before the mid-term elections in the U.S.? Gee, a conviction (assured) could be touted as some positive news coming out of Iraq, eh? I mean, am I just paranoid, or are the manipulations that transparent? I really can not fathom why a trial of such magnitude would adjourn for FOUR MONTHS between the conclusion of evidence and arguments and the issuing of sentencing.

ooh, some good news

I'm pleased and proud. My "dissertation distillation" article is now online! And I'm tickled that it is the first article of this journal (3rd issue) to incorporate multimedia elements that help justify the online nature of the publication. There are some things you simply can't do in static print. Anyone who's truly interested, drop me an email, and I'll send you the link.

Got working today on my next article submission. I haven't forgotten my goal to submit four articles this summer. I took a look over the submission deadlines for several conference calls for papers. I've got a feeling I'll be doing quite a bit of travelling next year. Once I've satisfied myself with immediate article submissions (whether it's four or two), I'm going to get serious about a book proposal.

Remember that search from the publisher? See, I met with their [Field 1] editor a few years ago, when I organized and chaired an unusual conference panel in Belgium. I was surprised and pleased to receive the email from the editor requesting a meeting at the conference, to discuss possibilities, but at that point, I was barely ABD, and needed to take care of my dissertation before I launched another project. If they're still interested enough in me to wonder what I'm up to, I might as well cultivate my interest in them.

_____

The inlaws arrive tomorrow, for a week. The Rocket Scientist will be taking time off. It should be (another) good break from things, just to enjoy life. I'm feeling a bit better about it all, trying to remember that "three year fellowship" plan. Reading over my article on line, and the rest of the journal, reminds me how happy I really am in my work. I need to get back to it. Job applications be damned, if need be.

Everyone believes...

Last week, I heard back from a friend, an assistant professor in [Field 1], who herself spent several years looking for a faculty post before landing one.

Hi, Articulate,

...Sounds like you have been very busy with activities that will place you in a good position for your dream job. It is such a precarious business we're in, but don't lose heart. I'm sure the perfect job is out there (or will be soon). As you probably know, there are so many factors that go into hiring, some over which you have no control and really can't prepare for. Just continue to do your best and send out applications religiously. ...

Wishing you all the best. Greetings to your family.

Jill

I wallow too much in self-pity. I've been a poor citizen here in the blogosphere, writing my posts (infrequently) but falling way behind in my reading of others, almost silent in my comments to their travails. I apologize, my friends. In some ways I feel quite selfish, self-indulgent. I tire myself out with all the bad news and disappointment. Of course, I have little control over receiving it.

But, why do I continue here at all? Why do I post these things, many so personal? In part, it is because I can't believe I am alone in this. To my mind, I suffer unnecessarily. My talents are wasted in surreptitiously applying for jobs. If my dream job is out there, it is not for me alone. Neither am I the only one worthy of such a dream job, nor would I waste the opportunity to accomplish good with it.

Ah, but what does that mean? There are so many ways to accomplish good in this life, so many ways to practice tikkun olam. Indeed, there is great suffering in the world today. Should I go into politics? (I tried that: for four years 12, 14, 18 hours a day; when I was 17 until I was 21.) Could I go back to what I was before? (You can never go back.)

No! I must go forward, in whatever way that means. I know it's time for a fresh start, a new way of doing things, a renewed energy. Does that mean I will leave this all behind? No. This work, these dreams are a part of me. I will still apply for faculty and post-doc jobs. But I can not let it rule me so much. Soon, soon enough we will get the offer from Rocket Central, and we can see what that will mean for us, whether they can help land me a position at the university, research, adjunct, admin. We shall see.

Mostly, I need to forge ahead, look with horse-blinders at the road in front of me. Everyone who got where they are, started where they were. Strive for excellence in all things that you do. I look to my sons, and see their wonder, their trust, their curiosity. I wish to give them a world where these things are rewarded. I must believe in that world.

Foreign service

I discovered this morning who was behind the Oslo, Norway search of my name. It was an old friend of mine, who now works in the foreign service, somewhere in Europe. It would appear that Norwegian embassies worldwide are routed through Oslo. It's always nice to hear from old friends, to know someone is thinking about me.

Hi Articulate,
by a chance I saw somewhere your name and then I found your email address. (I hope it is you:)) how is your life going? we really haven't been in touch for a long time and i hope you are doing well...with all your ambitious and life spirit:))...

What a joy to hear from her! Our story is not quite the tale recently recounted by Prof. Me, but it is a fond memory.

Yesterday, I listened through a segment on NPR on life in the foreign service. (Here's Part I, and today's Part II segment). There is something attractive to me in the foreign service. And yet, I fear the mediocre foreign policy of the Clinton years (now, just how many civilian casualties did WE cause in bombing Kosovo? And how many Balkan war criminals are still at large?) and the ABSOLUTE DISASTER of foreign policy during the Bush years (which makes the errors of the previous administration appear like tripping on the sidewalk and skinning a knee, next to butchering a village... repeatedly!) have poisoned the image of America abroad for the next two generations.

It is an economist's view that risk should be balanced against potential benefits. The risk to an American serving abroad today is absolute; the benefits (certainly under the current administration) are likely negligible. I grow sick to my stomach every time I hear Bush or Condaleezza Rice pontificate on how we aim to mold the world in our own image ("We need always to be ... cognizant of ... and looking to ... what kind of a Middle East we are trying to build...").

Don't these people get it? We are not the great overlords with unchallengeable wisdom to match our power. We are a people, a nation, flawed and imperfect as we are inspired and capable. We must respect others, listen to them, understand them, challenge and chastise when we see fit. But we must be partners in the world, not rulers. True leadership is not bullying. They are not the same.

We must accept difference. Above all, we must rout hypocrisy from our own ranks and policies. We can not argue on the one hand that we oppose tyranny, yet make open deals with tyrants. We can not on the one hand claim we fight for the spread of democracy, yet arm and sustain those whose policies are undemocratic. In short, the world is not black and white, the only colors this administration sees. If we must be pragmatic, we must also be honest.

So, I guess the foreign service is out for me, for the forseeable future.

...and so it goes

Dear Jocelyn,
I just wanted to follow up. What's the decision schedule from here on?
Thanks,
Articulate

Dear Articulate,
I was about to write you an e-mail; you will also shortly get mail fom the office. Unfortunately, I have not short-listed you for this position, depite the fact that I found your application very interesting. I got several reasonably strong applications from candidates from within the EU, and given that we could only appoint a candidate from outside the EU if there are no equivalent EU candidates, the chances of you getting a work permit would be slim even if we did appoint you.
I am very sorry that I couldn't be more positive.
Best wishes, Jocelyn

I guess this means I won't bother applying for any more jobs in the UK. What's the point?

Random searches?

Just a tidbit from life in the world of Articulate Dad. Looking over my statcounter pages for my soon-to-expire graduate student webpages, which contain a great many articles and papers, as well as personal information about me, of the last 100 pageloads, the following are the searches for my RL name, or the hits with no referring link, meaning the web address was typed in by hand. (Granted, some of the searches could have been for the Astrologer in San Francisco, the History Professor in Toronto, the IT specialist in Canberra, or the Rabbi in New York). But, here goes:

Maharashtra, Mumbai, India
Oslo, Norway (Norwegian Central Governmental Offices)
England, London, United Kingdom (Ashgate Publishing Ltd)
Skane, Lund, Sweden
Illinois, Chicago, United States
Hawaii, Wahiawa, United States
District Of Columbia, Washington, United States
California, Berkeley, United States
North Carolina, Mooresville, United States
California, Los Angeles, United States
New York, Staten Island, United States
Ile-de-france, Paris, France
New Jersey, Mt. Laurel, United States
Distrito Capital, Santafé De Bogotá, Colombia
Catalu?a, Barcelona, Spain
Texas, Plano, United States
New Jersey, Princeton, United States (Princeton University) <--[Field 1] Dept.
Tennessee, Memphis, United States
Washington, Redmond, United States (Washington School Information Processing Cooperative)
Czech Republic (Fulbright Router)
Washington, Everett, United States (Washington School Information Processing Cooperative)
California, Azusa, United States (City Of Hope Medical Center)
District Of Columbia, Washington, United States (Latham & Watkins) <--Law Firm
United Kingdom (National Health Service)
United Kingdom (Edinburgh University)

Of those, the following also visited my PRW:

Maharashtra, Mumbai, India
Oslo, Oslo, Norway (Norwegian Central Governmental Offices)
England, London, United Kingdom (Ashgate Publishing Ltd)
Catalu?a, Barcelona, Spain

and, finally, from:

Massachusetts, Cambridge, United States (Harvard University)

This is a search for [my area of research] at The University of Paradise, which would be truly odd unless they were searching for me, since I am the only person studying this area ever to have graduated from this department.

Precariously Vicariously yours

I read of Professor Me's transformation into the role of professor, and I smile, vicariously, at her success. And my wife. Ah, my lovely, successful wife. While I wait, precariously, expecting rejection, or perhaps worse, mere silence, she has been diligently penning thank you notes to all the various interviewers she met last week. Here is what she's just forwarded me:

Rocket,
Thank you for your e-mail. It was nice meeting you. I hope that you will seriously consider employment at Rocket Central and specifically in my group. It would be a great opportunity to expand your technical capabilities while infusing our Section with dynamic expertise.
Chantelle

and

Rocket:
Thanks, we enjoyed talking with you too. I don't have the detail, but I do know that you will be receiving an offer to join Chantelle's group. As you probably recall, her group is responsible for [area my wife is most interested in]. If you decide you would prefer to get some complementary experience, there would be no problem moving to another group.
Pat

No telling what time and patience will bring, but my money is that we'll be moving soon, and not likely to the UK.

On the edge, on the cusp

My life is constituted by waiting, and the times in between.

I've been away, as I explained, spending a week being Dr. Dad full time. It wasn't as hard as I had expected. Quite pleasant mostly. But then, I knew my full-time duties would end after a week. Having a time frame (for anything!) helps. Now, I'm back, in a sorts, trying to pull my life together, and to catch up on all my bloggy friends. No surprises from Ianqui recounting the news that many bloggers blog about their life struggles, rather than as an outlet for their reportorial dreams. (Shock!) So, here's some more from me.

The Rocket Scientist and I spent a good part of the last several days, talking through all the possibilities in our lives. It's really good having a partner, a real partner in life. What we've both realized is our principal goal at the moment is to find a place where we can both pursue our professional lives, where we can settle, at least for 3-5 years.

Paradise seems in ways for both of us a dead-end. The atmosphere on campus is for me a bit poisoned. My lunch with Dean Michael Horowitz went well. Nice to have someone in his position find me worthy of taking lunch with, of talking to, of encouraging. He closed the lunch with the request that ten or fifteen years from now, I take him out to lunch to tell him all my successes. He made it clear that he has always found me someone who thinks "outside the intellectual box," with a great breadth of interests. It was nice to hear.

From his take, it sounds like I'm doing all the right things, pursuing the appropriate avenues. He did see me moving more toward [field 3] (which happens to lie under his purview, rather than within the humanities), or at least developing stronger ties and collaborations with researchers in that end of the spectrum. He suggested, though: success goes to the bullshitters, meaning... it's all a question of marketing. Get the job, then do your thing. Once you've got a post, no one assesses you on how well you fulfill the job description; they assess you on how well you accomplish what we academics do: research, publish, teach.

He intimated that chancellors and deans are not the ones to contact, that I really need department chairs to pull for me. I realize, here in Paradise there's really no one in those positions who will pull for me, not in my [field 1] or [field 2]. [Field 2] is a smallish program here, where they have difficulty getting enough enrollment in the standard fare, which they've already enough professors and grad students to teach.

The [field 1] department on the other hand entirely lacks vision (corroborated by Dean Horowitz). I told him the tale of my meeting with The Leprechaun, recounting his take on the hiring process. Horowitz said, that's perhaps how mediocre departments work, but not how outstanding ones do. My mother would say, I've yet to encounter an outstanding department. Be patient, the right place will find you. Patience, ah patience.

Of course, I applied for the brain imaging post. The latest in that saga is this:

Dear Jocelyn,
I am definitely still interested. I see the deadline has passed. I am heading out of town in the next hour, and won't be back until tomorrow. I would be pleased to send you my application by email once I return. I hope that works for you.
Best regards,
Articulate

Articulate,
that's absolutely fine. I was told that the closing date was inconsistent between different advertisements, so I was planning on drawing up the short list on the 24th. Take your time; it was my fault you are late, anyway!
Best wishes, Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,
Please confirm that you received my materials. The email with attachments was overlarge, and I know some systems will reject emails over 1 MB.
Thanks,
Articulate

Dear Articulate,
ideed, it looks like everything is there (three pdf attachments). Will get back to you on Monday.
Many thanks, Jocelyn

Now, for you readers following along at home, you may have noticed... it's Monday. Monday, monday, dah dah... so good to me, dah dah. Indeed, in the UK it's late in the evening. Someone from that university visited my PRW. I can only imagine it was Jocelyn or someone on the committee (assuming there is a committee). Hours ago... I wait. I so want something positive to turn out. Some recognition that my hard work is worth something to somebody.

And, we wait to hear back about my wife's anticipated job offer. Will we move? Will I have a job, a real job, come the fall? Will we be able once again to buy a house, a house we can expect to live in for the next three years or more? The wife and I have agreed to think about the 5-10 year time frame, and worry less on the today and tomorrow. That should help us get through this next period. I feel very strongly that we are on the cusp of something, some big change. It is exciting, and still scary. I fear the worst, while I hope for the best.

Stay tuned. The rollercoaster rides.

Movement

Everything is up in the air, but at least the movements afoot should land solidly in the next couple weeks. Tuesday afternoon, just before loading the family in the van to head to the town where my wife was to have her interview today, I checked my email:

Dear Articulate,

I am terribly sorry; I thought that I had replied to your e-mail, but now I realise that I probably haven't, because I can't see your application anywhere (I think I have confused you with another applicant by the same name). Yes, your background sounds very relevant and if you are still interested, I would be delighted to receive your application. ...

Best wishes, Jocelyn

Dr. Jocelyn Brotbaum is a program lead for a brain imaging unit dealing with aspects of my research, at a university in the UK. I had written to her three weeks ago, when a post-doctoral "career development fellowship" came up on one of my job searches. I had sent her a CV and a brief description of my background, training, and interests, along with links to my Personal Research Website.

No response, so I let the deadline pass. She wrote me after the official closing date, which indicates a certain degree of interest. In her response to a follow up email I wrote to this one, she indicated that I should simply email her my materials, and that she plans to draw up a shortlist next week. Hmmm. It's a three-year post-doc, squarely on the science side of that fence I keep sitting on. Of course I'm still interested. Brain imaging seems to be a lot sexier these days than other aspects of my research. Brain-based humanistic studies seem to be up-and-coming. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. We'll see.

The Rocket Scientist's job interview went well. Actually, she interviewed with FIVE different sections, meaning essentially she's got her pick of jobs, then they'll come up with an offer. Yikes! What a world. I wish I lived in it. She'll likely hear back from them in the next week or so. And, as it turns out the place she'd possibly work at, while a governmental unit, is officially run by a local university. Hmmm. Well, damn right we should negotiate if they want her: Um.... you see, my husband is an academic. What can you do to affect an appointment for him at the university?

Well, that's the update for the moment. Life is a rolling stone.

Another sleepless night

3:00am: the Painter comes into our room, as he has nearly every night for who-knows-how-long. He crawls into bed. I try to sleep. 10 minutes later, I fold him in my arms, carry him to his bed, kiss him, say I love you, good night, then climb back into my bed, tossing and turning.

All I can think about in the middle of an interrupted night is my foundering career, about having to ask my recommenders yet again to draft up a new recommendation letter (or at least, to take the 6 seconds it would take to paste a new date at the top of the old one) and forward it to my campus reference letter service. I contemplate whether I'll be asking my dissertation chair to draft up individual letters again for many of the jobs.

Who wants to read file letters? But I just can't see asking my writers to pen so many more. This will be my third real job cycle, I'm heading into. I feel guilty asking for letters. I hate this hate this hate this hate this! I hate being in this position. DAMN IT! I deserve better.

I deserve better than to be kept up at nights by these thoughts, these worries, these concerns. It's not my son's fault (though I really really really wish I could simply get him to stay in his own bed ALL NIGHT! At least if I'm not awakened, perhaps, I'd get a good night's sleep). Patience... patience and perseverance.

I crawled out of bed around 3:50, figuring it's better to stare at my computer screen, than suffer the din of my night-time tossing thoughts. Perhaps this way, my wife can sleep. It's been 45 minutes. I wonder if I'll be able to get back to sleep before daylight.

The dream trickles away

Drib by drab, slowly, relentlessly, like the mossy, moldy, minerally liquid on the walls of a cavern, glistening in the manufactured light brought in by gawkers, it flows ... downward, downward, downward, seeking bottom, a resting place, the dream trickles away. I've always known what I wanted in life, at any given moment. It's a question I have visited often, returned to, turned over in my mind, controlled. No more. I'm lost and confused, saddened, depressed. But always borderline.

Sometimes I wish I were an alcoholic, or bipolar, that I lived under a dictatorship, or a racist regime, something to point at, something to blame. I've got nothing, though. Only confusion. I simply don't understand. If I were incompetent, or lazy, but I'm not. I'm just me: passionate, driven, enthusiastic, engaging. Am I just missing it? Do all those people secretly despise me? The people I know from conferences: do they roll their eyes in disgust, once I step away, at my arrogance or foolishness? What about those senior scholars: do they wish I would simply go away, fade into absence?

I simply can't tell. But I know what I'm capable of. If I have the motivation (and the funds) I could give a half dozen lectures in a half dozen countries as soon as I could schedule them. I know. The invitations are open ended: Lithuania, Finland, Estonia, Croatia, Germany, Czech Republic. I could plan the flights tomorrow.

Greg penned a remark on my last post that I should pour my energies into articles. Yes, indeed. Sage advice, I believe. I should. I should simply steer my ship toward welcoming shores. But I'm so afraid!

I told my wife last night that I feel like a boy in a Chinese circus (I have a vivid image from an episode of Sesame Street), spinning plates on sticks: once I get to the end, I know I must run back and start the first one spinning again, before it drops. So many directions, so many options. Options Paralysis. Isn't that what Douglas Coupland called it?

There's a part of me that wants to walk away. I did in fact. Three job applications sit on my desktop, partially completed. They're all due tomorrow. They won't be sent. It felt too much like going through the motions, like a gambler heading back to the slot machine, or a drunk heading back to the bar, not out of any real desire, but simply out of habit. I'm addicted to job applications, and just now I prefer the jitters.

I've already sent out too much of my soul, too much of myself in so many tiny pieces, licked and stamped and sealed away in those envelopes. I imagine those little bits of me, gasping for air, when department or human resources staff deigns to unseal the envelope, untuck its contents, stamp them received, place them in a folder, and file them away, to be handled, all too briefly, by the fingers of distracted, overburdened, unimpressed faculty. 50 times over that has happened this year. 50 committees have overlooked my work, my worth, my life, neatly replacing my file in the stack. Not what we're looking for...

Nothing personal to all those committees: I'm too good to be treated that way! I've got too much to give, to be brushed aside.

Starting tomorrow, for the duration of a week, I'm Dr. Dad, full-time. The au pair has the week off. Maybe I need a week off too. A week to enjoy one part of my life that is... really and truly wonderful, amazing, inspiring. It's the patience and the commitment to let go of this other part of my life, even if it is just letting go for a week, that will be the difficult part.

Oh, and I've got a lunch appointment with Dean Michael Horowitz next Friday. Wednesday is the Rocket Scientist's job interview out of town for a possible new gig. She'll spot me a couple hours on Friday so I can go have lunch. Who knows what will come of this week, or next? I may not say much this week. But you'll understand. Be well. I'll catch you on the other side (or whenever I can steal a few moments).

Energy wanes, in waiting

...

...

... NOTHING

...

... Um... uhh...

... NOTHING...

You know, the wait is interminable. So, what the hell am I waiting for? Godot?
I got some energy last week to push ahead with things. But my plan was to push ahead with contacting people to see what might come up. I'm still waiting on people, other people, letting them rule my life, my energy, my time, my spirit. Not the best of plans, eh?

So, I've spent a lot of time researching investments. When you sell a house, at a profit (even if it's much less than you'd have liked), and you'd owned the house for 7 years... well, there's a lot of cash (by my standards) that I've got to divvy out. Some went to pay down student loans, and some goes into new investments. As long as the investments are beating the loan interest rate, I buy more. If not, I pay lumpsums to reduce the debt. Simple plan. But investment research has been a big distraction for me (in many ways, a welcome one). At least when I'm handling the family finances, I feel useful.

What else could I be doing? Hmmm. there are a few more fellowship and faculty posts in the UK that I had been thinking of applying for. Deadline this Friday. Haven't done that. The Rocket Scientist will be going for a couple job interviews at this new place (two different groups vying for her attentions) just as soon as they can schedule it. UK not her first pick; my career foundering; her's flying skyward, contrails flashing, no damage from falling foam. And, I got a boost of energy to pursue things locally, to push ahead with my projects, to seek my own funding.

Little incentive therefore to chase pie in the sky on the other side of the pond. Oh, I may still apply for the jobs. It's just that my expectations have gone out the door. It feels too often like just going through the motions. How I felt last week, it seems like this new plan is the way for me to go, forge off on my own, mark my territory, dig my niche.

So, where's my energy now? I need energy. I need drive. I need to find a second wind, and forget about the feelers I've already sent out. They may go nowhere. Intellectually, I understand the premise that my job is done once the application, or article, or what have you is sent out. That is, my job is done unless or until they follow up. I get stuck at that point, hoping, wishing, wondering, ruminating, theorizing. Ah, chuck it.

Actually, there's been some goodish news lately. I've been in touch with the editor of the journal that is publishing my dissertation distillation article. It should be published by the end of the month. It's a fairly new online journal in my field, which straddles the humanistic and scientific divide. It's quite exciting to be a part of that development. It's a home I really wish to claim. Mine will be (by far) the longest article they will have published (about twice the next longest), which in itself only tells me that, despite the length, they found it worthy of publication. I didn't set out to write a long article, merely a good one. I'm glad they deem it such. More importantly, mine will be their first article to incorporate multimedia elements. It's nice to be able to justify the online nature of the publication in this way. So, that's positive.

I'm still hoping something will come of all this. I'm not yet ready to walk away from the research, but the energy (as always) seems to ebb and flow. I'm at lowtide right now. Here's to watching my tide come in.

Schmoozing the outskirts

My [Field 3] is not a part of the Humanities, rather it's on the other side of the fence I was talking about the other day. In ways, it's a field that's quite important to my research, its relevance, and to aspects of the methodology I use. When I was a graduate student and an officer of the Grad Student government, I had occasion to rub shoulders with much of the upper administration at the university, making acquaintance (or friends) with some. Michael Horowitz, Dean of the the university's Division for Mathematics, Biological and Physical Sciences, under which [Field 3] is housed, was one who fell under the friendlier category. Among my recent email schmoozing, I sent him the following note:

Dear Michael,
As it turns out, I'm still here on campus, post-PhD, plugging away on my research, and seeking opportunities to continue and expand it. I've enjoyed our occasional talks in the past, finding in you an always sympathetic ear for my cross-disciplinary forays.

If you might have some time in the next few weeks to sit down over lunch or a cup coffee to offer some of your sage advice and guidance, I would be most appreciative. To get you up-to-date on what I've been up to, I attach my current CV.

Also, please take a look at my personal research website [URL].

Best regards,

Articulate

To which he responded:

Dear Articulate,

I'd very much like to take you to lunch. I'll ask my assistant Jacques Verde to find a mutually available slot for us to get together.

Best wishes,

Michael

Oh yeah! I do so like the schmoozing. :)

Email Schmoozing and Commitment

Well, it's been all one way so far. Sent out quite a few emails in the past day, mostly this morning, to follow up on my discussion yesterday with Pedestrian Organ regarding research support and funding. It being Friday, I may not hear back from anyone until next week. I've written to center directors and deans to see what interest I can drum up. Who knows? As I put it in one of the emails "I'm one of your own". Maybe they'll have some attachment to me, some commitment to the success of one of their graduates. What I'm asking so far should cost them very little in terms of funding, resources, and energy. I'm seeking a means to render my research self-sustaining, and in the process enhance the research of the university.

Sure, it's self-serving, it's a question of survival. But none of this is simply about me. If it were, I would have gone into another line of work, for sure. Deep down, I believe my research is meaningful, not just for me, but beneficial for society, for the growth of our knowledge and understanding. Isn't that what we all believe, those of us committed to the life of scholarship? It is what I truly believe, and what keeps me plugging away, keeps me committed to withstand the continued insults of rejection that pummel me.

This is worthwhile. This is true. This is me.

Branches, update

Good meeting this afternoon with Pedestrian Organ. Now I have to follow up with some of the suggestions. Looks like my first line of action is to 1) wait and see what Biker has to say about what they can do for me; 2) contact the dean of humanities and see what they might be able to do for me. If I can get (as Pedestrian put it) "a door" that'd be great. I've got minimal affliation at the moment: a title and letterhead, a library card, and a place to plop my laptop. So, the question is can I up that status to say an official appointment (even if it's a 0% appointment), and an office? Can I finagle some start-up funding for my own center, or at least affliation with an existing center that would buff up my profile, and thus my potential for external funding? Meantime, I need to follow up on as many internal funding sources as I can.

And, the Rocket Scientist has an interview coming up for a possible job a couple hours from here. So, we might be moving, but still within commutable distance, if I wound up getting an appointment here. Nothing certain, but it's worth looking into. So, things are up in the air, but in a good way. Keep tuned.

Branches, onward

Dear Articulate-- I've forwarded your email to our new research development coordinator, Pedestrian Organ. He should be in touch shortly.

Best,

Verbena
_________________________________

Hello Dr. Dad:

Verbena Anxious forwarded your request to me and I'd like to set up a meeting with you to discuss your [Longitudinal Project]. I am the Research Development Coordinator here at [Campus Humanities Center], which is the less direct way of saying that I am here to help people turn good ideas into funded proposals. Maybe we can talk about your project and kick around some ideas for future funding. I read over quite a bit of your website and found it quite interesting. [Particular Research Areas] are topics I have pondered quite a bit. I'd love the opportunity to hear more about your research and brainstorm some possible funding agencies. Maybe you have some time tomorrow afternoon? Maybe next week on Wednesday?

-Pedestrian Organ
________________________________

Meeting scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. Onward and upward!

I've talked about my 5 year plan to be Director of a Center for Research in [Area 1] & [Area 2]. Why wait five years? I've got time on my hands right now.

Branching out: movement afoot

Dear Biker*,

It was good running into you the other day at Trader Joe's. You suggested that I contact you if there is anything you could do to help my career get going. I've got some ideas. If you have time for lunch or coffee sometime soon, I'd be glad to sit down with you and hash some of them out. If your schedule won't allow, let me know, and I'll write up what I'm thinking.

Here's the executive summary:

I graduated with my PhD in [Field 1] (with an Emphasis in [Interdisciplinary Field]), June 2005. Currently, I'm a Visiting Scholar in the [Field 2] Department. My research focuses on [Area 1] and [Area 2] studies, in particular on [More Details]. I am looking to expand this work into a Center for Research in [Field 1] and [Field 2]. You can check out my Personal Research Website [URL] to get a sense of the work I'm engaged in. I've got one grant proposal under consideration (with the NEH), and a second one under preparation (likely to be submitted to the NIH).

I have years of experience in fundraising and development, so I'm confident, with the necessary push, that I could make this project self-sustaining. I'm hoping there are possibilities for greater affiliation with the University than my visiting scholar status allows, which might facilitate me in establishing the center, and in raising funds and garnering grants to support it. Please let me know your thoughts, or if there is a time we can sit down to talk.

Best regards,

Articulate

* [Executive Asst. to the Chancellor]
______________________________________________

Dear Verbena*,

I am currently a Visiting Scholar in [Field 2] at the University of Paradise. I received my PhD in [Field 1] (from U of P) June 2005. I am seeking opportunities to continue and expand my research. Any support or assistance the [Campus Humanities Center] could offer would be greatly appreciated. The project I am currently seeking funding for is called the [Longitudinal Project]. A draft proposal is posted on my research website at [URL]

Let me know when is a good time to stop by for a chat.

Thank you,

Articulate

Edited to add: *[Assistant Director, Campus Humanities Center]

Don't make the boss regret it

I had a realization today, as we were playing with the boys and cleaning the house (purging to make us more limber): As my wife is supporting me at the moment, I suppose she's doing so, in order that I can gain greater satisfaction out of my life than I would, say, if I took a job as barista or book shelver. So... I really ought to do what I can to see to it that I'm actually more satisfied in life than I would be otherwise. Otherwise, what's the point?

So, in my convoluted, baroquely reasoned way, I guess it's high time I just start enjoying where I am, and stop grumbling quite. so. much.

That's all. Go back to your weekend doings.

Scheduling

Time to get more organized. I find (like many of us) when I'm busiest, I'm often most productive. When I've got idle time on my hands, I get little accomplished. To ward against that, I'm going to get organized. I figure the more efficiently I use my time, not only do I get more work done, but I'll have more energy and time to spend with my boys.

We're thinking of renewing our au pair for the coming year, but cutting back to the educares level, which would be about 30 hours a week of childcare, allowing her time to take 12 units of classes, instead of the current 6. That would be her preference, and it would save us some dough.

Assuming we're still here in the fall, and I don't have a full-time gig, I might like to take the boys two days per week on my own, instead of the current one. That would leave me three days to get work done, and a weekend with the family. We're also planning to get The Painter in a preschool, two or three half-days per week. That'll cost something, but it'd be good to get him more socialized, and for us to meet other parents. We're pretty much loners. So, we've got to work against that tendency.

In any case, money isn't really the issue. We've always lived within our means, and found a way to save for future dreams and such. The real issue is happiness. And I'm happiest when I feel my work makes a contribution to bettering the world, to furthering our knowledge and understanding. And so, I must work, research, publish, and present. I'll do that even if I open a cafe.

Meantime, scheduling. I've started by keeping track of the time I spend doing what, like a calorie counter marking their intake. I'll do that for a week, and see what it tells me. Then I can budget my time, allotting time for specific tasks, setting my priorities.

One of those priorities is getting back in shape. I did my 21 minute ride on the bicycle trainer today. Then a shower. I feel energized, awake, and alive.

More more more

I've become addicted to the website jobs.ac.uk. Each time I visit, I see more and more postings that might, just might provide me what I want. More and more I see research of interest going on in the UK. Most of it is in [Field 3], but maybe that's where I belong. Who knows? My greatest bane is trying to combine my areas in the humanities with cognitive and behavioral science, with medicine and neuropathology. What could be more humanistic than studying the behavior and minds of humans? Perhaps I'm just out in left field.

The humanists won't talk to the scientists and the scientists don't talk with the humanists. Each has something marvelous to offer the other, each is (in essence, at least in part) interested in the same phenomena. Why should research be one dimensional, when the world we experience is not? And where I sit is on the stern and reinforced fence that separates them, shouting in both directions, hoping someone on either side will notice that what I'm talking isn't nonsense. I've got enough training or background on each side of the fence to feel confident applying, but the question is whether it's enough to convince them to take me on board.

Okay, enough of my rant and plea.

Last night the Rocket Scientist and I engaged in our recent most favorite activity, talking and planning for the future. Her career is on track. Crazy things are happening at her work, however, and there is the perception that this job site may be shutting down in the next couple years, with employees shuttled out to other locations. We're thinking of having a third child, which surely plays into the matter of timing. The opportunities for her to remain in her chosen area and continue to advance are somewhat geographically limited. She'd be willing and able to relocate to the UK (there are opportunities there) but as she put it, it wouldn't be her first choice unless I had something of merit there.

I suggested that she should hone up her resume (which she's been doing this past week or so) and send it along to places that might be of interest. She should pursue her career chances, since mine hasn't exactly been driving us lately. If options or offers arise in either camp (hers or mine) that warrant our attention, we'll consider another move. Paradise doesn't really seem to be a place for us to settle down permanently. So, she looks for new opportunities (to rescue her from a ship that just may be sinking), and I continue to look for opportunities (to get off shore), and we see.

I've said I'll give it one more season. I'm not sure how committed I am to that. If she gets a good job elsewhere, I may open up a cafe/bookstore, and continue my research quietly, writing and publishing as I can. The question is how do I get where I want to be in 5 or 10, not where I want to be next year. Who knows what the future will hold?

Where is home?

Early morning.

The rain splats in heavy, occasional drops on tree leaves. Not rain really, I suppose, just damp air from the fog, condensing into drops, drip drip dripping down.

I'm awake. The Painter came in around 5:00 to ask me to start the music over. I tucked him back into bed, and started his Laurie Berkner cd "Buzz Buzz" once again from the beginning. (He insists on it at bedtime, every night. It's alright. It's a phase. It will pass.)

So, I'm awake. I come to the family room. Open the sliding door. And listen.

The birds, many birds: cheedirp cheedirp twak twak chee dup chee twee twee twee twee chirp chirp chirp

They have a home. A morning. A day. A drum circle of song. A chorus of daybreak. Qua qua qua qua qua qua. Some large bird. Bechee bechee bechee bechee they all continue.

Where is home? I'm lost.

Why do successes feel anti-climactic?

I sent off the revised version of my big dissertation distillation article a little while ago. It's off my desk, off my to-do list. I don't feel much elation however. A bit of relief that I can move on. I guess in some ways, it just feels like more of the same. The big question for me is whether anything will come of it.

It's not that I've really been sitting on my hands, doing nothing, just waiting for something to happen, some job to come knocking on the door. I mean, I have applied for a few jobs (somewhere north of 100 in the past three years). I've given conference talks, and invited lectures. I've published articles, organized and chaired conference sessions. I created a personal research website, which has averaged somewhat more than 10 individual visitors daily since it's inception two months ago. Get famous, that was the dictum. Patience is always my trouble.

I sent in the application materials for the RCUK Academic Fellowship on Thursday night. Done. There's at least one more RCUK fellowship come up that looks attractive to me. So, I'll be applying in the next couple weeks. It does look like positions are opening up in the UK and elsewhere. I guess their job season begins earlier than here in the States. So, I'll be applying. But I confess enthusiasm is harder and harder to come by these days. And when the excitement comes, it is inevitably followed by a hard crash, an existential crisis about my career and life choices.

The Rocket Scientist and I have been having quite a few heart-to-hearts lately about where we wish to be and how and when. We're trying to plan our exit strategy from where we are. We're a family. That's important. The trouble is, I've been expecting something to come along, some opportunity to take. It's like I've been fishing with all sorts of bait, but the fish just aren't biting, and though I'm not yet getting hungry, I'm getting pretty bored of waiting.

I find the more I go along the less confident I am in knowing what sort of career I want. Somewhere along the way, I got stuck in auto-pilot, down the highway to an academic career, and I can't remember which off-ramp I've taken, or just which way to turn. I've got to spend some time figuring out what I really want to be doing. And I'll need to honestly assess the best way to do that. In the meanwhile, I guess I'm free. No obligations for the summer (oh yeah, well, there's that book review... but I'm not going to worry about it. They haven't followed up. I'll either get around to finish reading the book, and writing it up, or I won't).

Nothing pressing. Time to step back from the tree of my life, reassess the shape of its crown, and decide on how best to prune it for optimum growth.

Denise Denton

I knew nothing of Denise Denton, but her suicide as Chancellor of the University of California, Santa Cruz is a sad, cautionary tale for those of us living (or seeking) the high-stress world of the academy.

Chameleon (breakfast edition)

This morning at breakfast:

The Painter: (slowly blinking his eyes) Daddy, how come you keep changing to grey, and then back to the usual color?

Au Pair: Maybe he's a chameleon.

The Painter: No, he's not a chameleon... you think maybe it has to do with me closing my eyes?

No comment.

Talk the Talk (or the Chameleon)

With time on my hands, I have the leisure to cast and recast, forge and reforge, write and rewrite the materials for this fellowship application. Thanks to all who have commented on my recent posts regarding this current opportunity. I am indeed going for it.

I've been a chameleon much of my life, but now is an occasion to wager my spots. Will they stick to me, or fall off like zebra stripes painted on an ass? I think of Randall Boggs from the movie Monsters, Inc. I may be opportunistic. I just hope I'm not as evil as he.

I shift yet again, taking on a new skin, honing new hues, to blend in with potential surroundings. Underneath it all, I'm still the same multi-faceted character I've always been. My greatest strength lies in drawing together disparate realms. I'm a schmoozer. Just watch me at conferences, speaking to different groups and individuals in the hallways. I've read their literature. I know the language, the issues. I can be critical. I pride myself on that, though sometimes the breadth threatens narrowness of depth.

Got to stay focused. It's not that I'm the best there is out there. I'm simply best at being me, at doing what it is I do. The trick is to present that to others with enough excitement and verve to pique their interest.

I find writing these applications, and cover letters, reworking my thoughts in new vocabulary, stiffening the sinews, summoning up the blood is a huge psychic drain, like a marathon stage performance. Can't let the energy drop until the curtain does.

Well, now back to it...

An email exchange

-----Original Message-----
From: [Articulate Dad]
Sent: 19 June 2006 20:42
To: [Rojo Bulba]

Subject: RCUK Academic Fellowship

Dear Prof. Bulba,

Perhaps you will remember me from the [recent conference in Scotland]. I came across the posting for the RCUK Academic Fellowship over the weekend. I'm quite interested in the opportunity. I would welcome the chance to hear from you more of the details about the fellowship and what you are seeking, in preparation for my application. I see the deadline is this coming Friday. Would I be able to submit materials electronically?

I have a PhD in [Field 1] and [Interdisciplinary Field] from the [University of Paradise]. Currently, I'm a postdoctoral visiting scholar in [Field 2]. My research focuses on [Area 1] and [Area 2], in particular [Research Focus]. I have one outstanding grant application (decisions in December), and will submit grant proposals for a planned longitudinal study this summer.

[Brief Description of Longitudinal Study]

For more information about my research interests and activities, feel free to visit my website http://[Personal Research Website.url], which also includes my CV and my dissertation, as well as postings regarding these grant projects.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Yours,

[Articulate]

_______________________________________
Articulate Dad, PhD [Field 1]
Visiting Scholar, Dept. of [Field 2]
[University of Paradise]

Dear [Articulate]

I believe that there is a way of applying on-line - the attached further
particulars will help you. I had a look at your CV which [Post-doc] passed
on to me. You have an interesting range of research - I think in an
application for this post you would need to emphasize the [Field 3]
nature of your interests and proposed research.

Rojo

GAH! Okay, it's not so bad. In fact, it's quite exciting to take the opportunity now to clarify and express my honest-to-the-heart ideas about just where my research lies, and specifically what contributions I can and will make to [Fields 1, 2, & 3], and [Interdisciplinary Field], through [Research Focus]. Am I scattered?

I feel like Dr. Sayre [fictionalized alias for Oliver Sacks] in the movie Awakenings is describing me, during the conference bathroom scene. If you're not familiar with the movie, Sayre has been working with a group of encephalitis patients who appear catatonic, yet who can under unusual circumstances (hearing music, having a ball tossed at them] awaken from their slumber. He hypothesizes that their symptoms are akin to someone with Parkinson's only their collection of tics is so pervasive that rather than constant motion, each tic cancels another out, rendering the surface appearance of immobility, while underneath a cascade of impulses threatens to explode in every direction. He follows a speaker (with a delightful Dutch or Afrikaans accent), who has just given a presentation on L-Dopa (a synthetic dopamine), into the men's room to ask about Parkinson's, L-Dopa, and to express his theory, while the poor gentlemen he accosts is simply interested in peeing and washing his hands. It's a great scene.

So, now I'm back to being swamped, since I promised revisions of my dissertation distillation article by the end of this week. The editor had requested by the second week of July, so I could let my self-imposed deadline slip. Well, now back to work. Where do I fit?

A Painter's Father

Oh yeah... Dean Dad reminded me, I had promised ABDMom I would post a picture of one of my father's day presents from the Painter. So, here it is:



Please note (as I was so advised) ... the squiggly decoration along the bottom and right side is not, as you might suspect a mere decoration, but in fact a sentence, all connected together, and it reads, ahem, i love you. I can't stop grinning that my wonderful boy did that. Enjoy.

Someone in the UK's got a good idea!

Leslie Madsen-Brooks has made her latest contribution to Blogher, under the title Academic Entrepreneurs. She writes:

I think it's time for many of us in the humanities to start accepting that the job market for faculty is really quite awful, and thus we need to nurture in our graduate students (as well as in undergraduates who are considering grad school) the idea that if they decide to work outside the academic, they're not being whores for money.

She's onto something there. As I've struggled with this career path, I've come to value less and less a job with PhD students. I've come to fret that recruiting and training PhDs in my areas would be a cruel act of punishment, encouraging the passion of bright idealists, while knowing all the while that many of them will not succeed.

Leslie continues:

As grad students, we should be given every opportunity and encouragement to follow through on ideas and innovations that might provide us with a comfortable living and enrich society as well.

Yes, we should take care to foster the entrepreneurial spirit, and the open embracing of alternatives to an academic career. Yet we should also work to change the social and political environment that renders the prospects in academia so poor. The fellowship that I've been drooling over lately, is part of a scheme funded in part by the Research Councils UK. It's a program to offer 1000 5-year fellowships (at 200 per year), focusing at first on research, including training and a slow transition to half-time teaching, culminating in faculty contracts (pending satisfactory review). Check it out.

As they write, they seek to create more attractive and stable paths into academia. Wow! That's all I can say: WOW! If only there were more programs like that, stateside. Are there such programs in Canada? Australia? The EU? Just imagine. While we're taking care of our own careers (and that we must do) let's do what we can to forge a shift in priorities, a shift in public thinking toward... thinking!

Happy Father's Day, Pop!

What do I remember about my father? His laughter. I miss his hearty, jolly guffaws, his teary eyed chuckling wheezes. He lived through much. He died in pain. He held many regrets, and though he suffered greatly in the end, I think he was at peace, with life, and with dying. He held on. Oh, how he held on to those shreds of living, in his last days. He wanted to see my second son, his third grandson, born. Yes, only boys in this gene pool: two brothers and me (perhaps others) and now three grandsons. My #2 takes his middle name from my pop. He was born one month to the day after my dad's passing.

What did he teach me? He many times recalled a comment (perhaps casual, in passing) from a good friend, that my father was the best father he had ever met. He was so proud of that remark. It was one of his greatest prides. Was he a good father? How is one to tell? I'd say his most remarkable feature in that regard was that he never spoke down to his children. He never treated us as if our minds, our thoughts, our feelings were anything less true to him than they were to us. He listened, and he reflected. Sure, he smiled knowingly at times, as if to say you think this is new, what you're feeling, but I've been there before.

Once in comment to a poem I had written in my teens, he said: Remember, I've been you're age; you've never yet been mine. But he never meant this cruelly, or with disregard. He allowed himself to remember, I suppose, and in that memory he remarked, through us, to himself those many years before. He wrote a poem, I recall (though I haven't yet found it) "to myself as an old man" or some such. I look forward to finding it. I hope I will.

He was a good man, a caring soul. He made mistakes. He had his weaknesses. In the 60s and 70s, he rushed too far too fast headlong into his own world, caught up in ways by his own selfishness, his own drive. I think for many years he wished he could have taken that all over. But time travels but one way. But he never ran away from his past, though, like all of us, he was at times blind to his own actions.

He was a generous man, who gave freely of his love, his thoughts, his laughter. He taught me to love books, to read as if I were sitting by a fire with the author, across time, sitting, and carrying on a personal dialogue. Their words were written for me, he said. And he imprinted in me the obligation of tikkun olam: to heal the world. He implored: Make the world a better place when you leave it than it was when you were born. In his own way, I'm sure he did.

I still get excited

Oh my god! Okay... so, here I am just casually opening up my email listings of job announcements...

I'm scared. I'm real scared. Only I think I'm more frightened by the prospect of success than by failure. At least failure I'm accustomed to. Okay, first off this is just a posting... a multi-year fellowship in [Field 3]. [SIGH]

There was a paper at the Scotland conference I just attended given jointly by a Research Fellow and the Director of the Program. They are interested in and have an established (though still small) program in my real interdisciplinary research focus.

The fellowship is essentially a research post for the first couple years, with a transition into teaching. What a dream! Don't need it. Don't need it. Gotta remember that.

But, god I want it! Deadline is next week! Short notice, eh?

What about terraforming?

Alright, first, let me say, I'm no atmospheric scientist. But, who can tell me about the practicalities here? Let's look at the problems: okay, there seems to be strong consensus that there is global warming. Now the permafrost in Siberia is melting, and threatening to release unheard of quantities of carbon. Now, carbon is one thing and carbon dioxide another, but... well, I'm no chemist, but work with me on this.

Carbon dioxide is processed by plants and released as oxygen. If the carbon released is in the form of Carbon dioxide, or can be easily converted to it, why couldn't be transport some of it to Mars, contained in bubble cities along with plants, and start the process of terraforming. I mean, global warming of Mars would be a good thing, no?

Acting not as I'm expected

Sometimes, it seems, we behave as we believe we are expected to. I don't mean like a child remaining quiet in public, or an immigrant avoiding discussions of open borders among a crowd of Minutemen. I'm speaking of how we feel inside, and how we show that to others.

I'll give you an example: When one of my sons behaves in an inappropriate way, say throwing rocks or sticks in the house, I may wish to indicate my displeasure. Do I always feel significant displeasure at his behavior? Well, when I choose not to ignore the behavior (which is sometimes the most effective response), I often allow myself to feel upset, and to display that outwardly, even when my inclination might be otherwise. That is, I behave as I am expected, or perhaps more precisely I display outwardly the feelings that I wish to be perceived as having. But being an actor as I am, that process of display often corresponds to inward changes, and I become as convinced as anyone that those are my true emotions.

How does this translate beyond child-raising? Let's look at my career. Should one be pleased at having completed a Ph.D., yet remaining unemployed, adrift in the waves of uncertainty? It's inappropriate not to be upset, not to be depressed even, not to anger at the questions, or sulk in shame when forced to admit this continuing state. It takes great fortitude of self-assurance in the face of these insults, an inner strength to believe enough in oneself, to face the world and say, "there is no lack in me, it is mere circumstance that puts me where I am". I am not always so strong. So, I play the role, whether I feel it truly or not. Perhaps it is also the hope that others will prop me up, my desire to hear words of encouragement and praise.

But sometimes we simply need to pull up our own bootstraps, and get hiking. All the means are before me.

The thousand mile journey begins with...

...one small step.

Perhaps it's the natural result of taking down time. Or perhaps it's simply me, and my own neuroses, my own teeter-totter ups and downs. As soon as I state clearly and emphatically that I am not depressed, the weight of life settles in on me, and I begin to despair.

I've found myself too often of late sitting down at my computer, after dinner, and spending hours, just beside my wife, sitting down at the other computer, each of us in our own little worlds, not exactly avoiding each other, simply avoiding. It's not that we haven't taken breaks from our together solitude to spend some time enjoying each other's company, it's just that that enjoyment has been the pause, rather than the other way around.

Today, I decided, among other tasks, to look over what needs doing for my dissertation distillation article revisions. Just a few things, but each article I found online, directed me to another and another. Soon enough, I have a reading list (just for the revisions!) which I couldn't possibly attend to and address thoroughly in my revisions.

Then, I began to get down on myself, my life, my path. How can I possibly keep up with all that? I thought I had something to contribute, something worthwhile. I recognize that this despair comes of the leisure to do nothing. In reality, I don't need this. I could leave off, and begin performing again, or take up my erstwhile profession as a gardener, or open a restaurant (the au pair's personal preference), or simply take a job.

Maybe I could become a school teacher. You'd think with a Ph.D. I ought to be able to hone up on the requirements to get credentialed in short order. They might even have alternate paths for people like me, learn while on the job.

Or maybe I could go into the foreign service; I've often fancied myself a diplomat, a citizen of the world. Lord knows there's need for some intelligence in our foreign affairs. Hell, the C.I.A. even has adverts in the latest Economist. And you know, Intelligence is their middle name.

I know that this is the path I have chosen, the path of the academic. As I've written before, I've lived half of my life inside the university. I've measured time by the cycles of the school year. I don't need this. But it is my choice. As hard as that is, it's really good to know. It is the truest sign of love to recognize the dispensibility of something or someone, and yet to choose it anyway, to hold on firmly, to embrace. That's me with the academy, with the world of ideas and books, contemplations and criticism.

So, these self-doubts I recognize as part of the journey. And, I realize (in moments of quiet reflection, more rare than I'd like to admit) that this journey is a long one, that I don't need to seek the end, but merely the direction. I will always be me, whatever the world or circumstance permit me to outwardly appear. The Painter was given his name (indeed even before I had met my wife) after an individual whose life was marred by the inconstant winds of favor, who achieved both great fame and wealth, and the depths of despair and poverty. Yet, through it all, he kept true to himself, to his vision, to his path. There is a reason I chose to name my son after him. Names, I believe, are powerful omens, carrying with them, throughout our lives, their meaning and lessons to be unpacked, and repacked, again and again. I need to recall those lessons in my own life too.

...I've seen in the shadow of colorless fear
the glimpse of a rainbow, the taste of a tear.
And I've heard in an echo as faint as a moan,
a beautiful song that I'd swear was my own.

And with that, I shall end.

unmotivated uninspired... just taking a break

So, where have I been?
Here, mostly...

I've not felt much like blogging.
Uninspired, unmotivated? Mostly just taking a break, I suppose.

The school year is over. We had our end of the year departmental picnic. It was nice. The boys had a good time. It was good to gather with my colleagues. I'm not so depressed lately, about not having a permanent gig. To some extent I've grown accustomed to it. I'm less bitter and discouraged at each new rejection letter. I'm ready for a fresh start, for the new season to begin (but that won't happen for another couple months, trickling in with listings in Australia and New Zealand in the late summer, and early postings stateside in September). I'm a little apprehensive about having to ask my recommenders for yet another new letter to keep my file up to date. After about the fiftieth application, I've only been leaning on my dissertation chair to draft targetted letters, except in exceptional cases. I've just been thinking about other things.

I've been cleaning up the house, organizing, taking care of finances (have to invest the proceeds from our house sale). And, thinking ahead to next year, and beyond. The previous month had been so filled with activity and travel, that I feel I needed a chance to simply recoup and recover. I'm still around. I'll be back.

I hope you are all well.