A new sort of day

At noon, I have a conference call regarding setting up a new California chapter of Applied Research Field Society, which is the main organizational sponsor of the Industry Conferences. A couple weeks ago, I formalized membership, and indicated my interest in getting a local chapter established. Frank Mayer is the president of the society. Susan Trout is also a board member, and was the one who called today's meeting. The next Industry Conference is in August in New York. I hope to attend, and to have some demos of my current research to share with people. That's my target.

Other than the conference call, I will be preparing this lecture demo for tomorrow night at Lemon University. I latched onto some ideas yesterday about what to speak. I've got about an hour or so of the class to cover, and I'm feeling much more confident about it.

On Sunday, Rocket & I had a date at a local tapas bar, when we had a chance to talk more fully about our current plans and goals, about the risks and the benefits, and about how to proceed. One thing I asked of her (and myself) is an understanding of what it is we seek to preserve, what we're not willing to risk. We're committed to each other and to our family. In terms of finances, which translate into security and freedom, we've decided that six months' living expenses (outside of retirement savings) is our bedrock. Everything else is fair game. That leaves what I might consider a decent year's salary at my disposal, a comfortable sum for getting off the ground.

Not, of course, that I will head to Las Vegas, or the business equivalent. But it puts a frame on decisions. Should I attend this conference? Should I buy this piece of equipment, or this software package? How much will it cost? Is that the most effective use of the funds available to invest in this venture. We invest in the stock of companies we have little knowledge of, and even less say. Why not invest in our own ideas? Rocket likes the potential. I like the potential.

I've talked to the property managers here, to see about moving into a larger office when one opens up. I've asked Rocket to look into the possibilities of her telecommuting one or two days a week, which would save her about an hour and a half in commuting each day. This is because while she has realized that she enjoys her work, is appreciated and well compensated there, she'd like to find more balance in her life, meaning in particular spending more time with the family. She'd also like the freedom to cut back hours or take time off if she chooses. Avoiding the commute would save her time, which seems important. I've asked after an office that would accommodate three or four people. The idea is Rocket could work alongside me on the days she might telecommute (my office is only a five minutes' drive or fifteen minutes' bike ride from our house), and I might be able to bring on a partner or two in my private ventures.

On that point, I've tentatively recruited the first. Eduardo Montana is a friend of mine from The University of Paradise, he's a cohort of mine, and a PhD candidate in [Field 2], with a strong interest and background in [Field 1] as well. We talked on the phone last week, and he was quite excited by the prospects. He's on target to file his dissertation by the end of the fall, leaving him open to working with me after that. He had applied for some post-docs which failed to materialize. Like me, his interdisciplinary interests seem to be a liability in academia. So, we shall see.

Meantime, I'm learning what I can about business plans, about financing options. For now, we can probably spend our own money. I set up my first business credit card (on Amazon) the other day, when ordering some items as inspiration for one of my current projects (a new and exciting one I haven't mentioned yet, but which affords me the chance to bring many strands together into one rope).

And all the while, I'm wondering what will come of these various openings in academia. There is no going back. But, I like the thought of traveling multiple paths simultaneously. On that point, I realize something significant about my relationship with my coach. I seek and need his approval less and less. My self-confidence increases, and my willingness to trust my own judgment grows.At times, it would seem he wishes me to make decisions sooner than I feel properly prepared to make them. For instance, I put off making a decision regarding these two upcoming conferences in the UK, delaying the decision several times. I had only set a deadline for deciding at Paul's urging. But each time it approached, I felt unwilling to discard it. I wanted to hear back from them. In the end, the second one came through. I wouldn't have wanted to let it go.

To some extent, I think Paul has been pushing me to abandon my interests in academia. But I'm not sure that's true to me. What I have rejected is the waiting game, even though at times it is necessary to wait for word from others. I've thrown off the costume of the perpetual supplicant, begging for scraps at the base of the ivory tower. But wishing to not act the dog at the gate does not mean I give up hope to enter.

The point is, I've gained a great deal from these coachings, but I enter a new phase now. Perhaps it is time to begin the transition. When we began, Paul suggested an unbinding commitment of six months. We're entering the fourth month now. When I have my coaching on Thursday, I will suggest we move to bi-weekly sessions. I think it's time.

A break in the silence

I'm sorry my friends for my recent silence. It's been a long five days. I've been busy. My ideas for heading off on my own are beginning to congeal. Ideas pour forth like rain, some to wash off in the gutters, and some to nourish the seeds and seedlings of my garden.

A couple weeks ago, during my coaching with Paul, I developed a metaphor of my career as a garden, and me as the gardener. I realized my role as perpetual job seeker in academia had made a leaf out of me. And leaves, as we all know, are individually non-essential parts of a plant. I was withering, browning, and cracking.

I prefer the role of gardener.

And wouldn't you know it, it's just now that especially the academic side of my career begins to heat up.

I mentioned during my recent family trip (when I also got to meet the wonderful WhatNow? and her beloved D in person!), that I had been contacted by the organizer of a workshop in Canada, to request my attendance and participation. I spoke with her one evening last week, and she indicated that they would likely be able to fund my trip, and that she would bring this up at their next meeting. The next morning, I got word that funding had been approved to sponsor my trip to one of the conferences in the UK, to serve as part of a keynote panel. Unfortunately, the dates for these two events conflict. I wrote to the organizer in Canada to mention the conflict. Currently, she's trying to find a way to bring me out there just before my trip to the UK, and requested a brief abstract of my interest in their event.

The first of the two conferences in the UK (for which I had prime poster real estate) was only able to offer me a token amount, enough to cover the registration fees. I respectfully declined, and regretfully withdrew my submission, for lack of funds to attend. I got email today from one of the organizers of that first conference, whom I've known and corresponded with since perhaps 1998. He has at times been listed as a reference for me on my CV. Indeed, this morning he sent his regrets that they were unable to find sufficient funds for me to attend the conference, and to request a current copy of my CV, since he's been contacted by Midwestern City University to provide a reference for me, and wants to include the latest.

This coming Wednesday night, I head down to Lemon University for a teaching demo. I was a bit apprehensive about it, since the materials that the instructor requested I cover were a bit out of my comfort zone. I gave him a call to discuss it. He was open to me covering related material that I felt more knowledgeable about, and intimated that he trusts Sara Chaisano's opinion, but that the dean requires a teaching demo before an offer can be made. It sounds to me like the gig is mine to lose. As long as I don't blow it, I should be fine. Sara also indicated that they expect to be hiring one or two more faculty in the next year or so, and that having taught there as an adjunct would give me a big leg up. (That is in fact how she got her current job there).

Then (while writing this post), I just got an email back from Matt Suliman. It has been nearly a month since I wrote him. His email was apologetic for the delay, but encouraging, supportive, and friendly.

I am just overwhelmed. Good things are happening. I feel it. The soil is fertile and moist. Which seedlings will grow? Only time, with patience and perseverance, will tell.

Upside down/Inside out

The world... the world appears upside down and inside out. The events of this week confuse me.

An email last Sunday arrived from the organizer of the [Field 1 & Field 2] conference where I have had a poster accepted in the UK next month. I was ready to send my regrets and withdraw. But I looked over the schedule and presentations. Really interesting, some of which seems squarely relevant to both an academic career and one in [Applied Research Field]. Then, I noticed my name listed in the first slot for the first of three poster sessions. I don't suppose the placement is part of any hierarchy, but it certainly adds a degree of prominence to my name. I began to think I ought do whatever I can to attend. I would likely learn a lot, and gain a good many more contacts (as well as see many of my disparate friends whom I know from other conferences).

Today, I received an email inviting me by name to participate in a Workshop in Canada by the professor organizing it. It just happens to take place at the exact time as the conference in the UK. I'd be their guest and a participant, but they suggested travel costs may not be covered. We have a rather limited travel budget and request participants to seek assistance from their universities. Um... considering circumstances, not likely I'll find any university assistance. But it's nice to be wanted.

Then, a few minutes later, I received an email from the producer for a nationally syndicated radio show, asking if I would be willing to be interviewed as an expert for this week's show.

I'm ... just flabbergasted. And... I'm supposed to be on vacation. I'm really bad about vacations, especially when I'm feeling I've nothing to vacation from. [SIGH!] I'm overwhelmed. Are these good developments? I would think so. But I'm just not sure how to respond.

Lemon Zest

Here I am visiting my mom. Activity continues unabated. When I applied last week for the local one-year post, I made contact with Tasse Plein and with Jim Lodz to request (expedited, electronic) letters of recommendation. Both were happy to oblige, and both mentioned that they had just received requests from Midwestern City University for letters on my behalf (they had asked merely for contact info in the application). I had attempted to contact a third recommender (who as it turns out is recovering from a broken leg). So, I asked the third letter be sent from my grad school placement file.

Hmmm... Midwestern City University. Ah, interesting; but I've been on long-short lists before. As I said to Jim Lodz: Not holding my breath anymore; it makes me turn blue. Won't even think about it too much. If I get a call, I get a call.

Then, I got an email from my friend Sara Chaisano. Here is the latest in the saga from Lemon University:

Hi Articulate,

Please forgive me for taking so long to respond! As I mentioned, I'm insanely busy this semester... I'm catching up on all my email now.

... I am also emailing to let you know that we've gotten the go ahead to hire some adjuncts to teach certain courses. If you are still interested, would you be willing to come back to Lemon to meet some other faculty members and do a little teaching in one of the classes?

We're looking at [Course #1]--which you've taught before, for non-majors, and our major [Course #2] The first is Tu/Th I think from 1-2:15, and the second is Wed. evenings 7-9:45 or so. I will find out for you what the pay rate is. I know that since you have a doctorate it will be at the highest level. If you're interested, [Other Prof], who coordinates the #2 courses here, would like for you to come do a little lecture in class some Wed. evening. You could come down and we could do dinner around 5 then you could talk at 7. He would tell you just what to talk about, I'm not sure how long--30 minutes, an hour--he would let you know.

It would be like an interview. Of course I already know you and have seen you talk at conferences and teach in a classroom, so it's a little more relaxed than otherwise. Let me know if your interested and we can arrange things!

Take care, and hello to your family,
Sara

Hmmm... I'm mostly just confused. As I've said before... close a door, and someone will knock. If I follow the path that begins to open for me, which I've spent much of the past three years hoping for, and fretting over, will I become less than my dreams?

How strange to now see opportunities as consolation prizes. Three years is a long time to be beaten down, long enough to make one question everything, to expect nothing. Misery really. So, now I have the strong likelihood of being offered a teaching gig, albeit part-time, and a couple more nibbles regarding full-time teaching, one tenure-track.

Talked with Rocket last night. Can't really see any reason not to move ahead with the opportunity at Lemon. I think getting my own classroom again would be a wonderful boost to my self-confidence. And, the income wouldn't hurt. As WhatNow? recently commented teaching could be a good complement to building a consultancy. The schedule Sara outlines sounds quite doable, since I could likely avoid rush-hour traffic.

I guess I'm cautiously excited. We shall see.

On the road again

Tomorrow morning, Rocket, the Painter, the Inventor, the au pair and I all head to the airport to spend about a week visiting my mom for part of Passover. Happy Pesach to all appropriate parties. And... I'm so looking forward to my first blogger meet up with a virtual friend!

Life is pretty good right now.

Funny thing happened today. Recall that I had mentioned how I had decided to forgo applying for the one-year post at the local big university, until I got a call back yesterday. After my talk with their former chair yesterday, I left a message for the current chair (contact for the posting), just to touch base with him.

Sometime this morning, I realized woops! the priority deadline for the posting was April 1. Hmmm... what to do? Then, I got a call back from the current chair, who said they received a letter of recommendation (electronically) from Tasse Plein this morning. (Tasse sent me a copy... lovely, really lovely!). Current chair mentioned that the deadline had officially passed, but said they'd accept my materials if I sent them electronically today, which I did.

It feels good to have applied, and we'll see what comes. I'm in a good place now, not needing this, really. Though I'd still be pleased to consider an offer.

Be well, my friends. I might be posting lightly the next week or so.

It's a whole new ball game

Wow, what a whirlwind I'm in. I'm on top of the world and flying.

Last night, I made a phone call to a big name player in the field for which [specific goal] would be most applicable. Let's call him Walter "Wally" Williams. I had left a message for him the day before, but I'm impatient. I called him at home after dinner, for a brief chat. He seemed interested and open, gave me some ideas for what he'd be looking for, and gave me his email address, so we could keep in touch.

Earlier today, I got a call from someone whose name I recognized, but I simply couldn't place him. Remind me again where you're calling from? University of... Oh, yeah.

So, this guy was calling me back from an email I sent him beginning of last week (it seems a month ago). He's the former chair of the program in [subfield 1] at a local big university. They have a one-year gig open, for which there was a very vague posting. I met him a few years ago, when a friend of mine was a graduate student of his, and I had come down to campus from Paradise to attend the lecture by my friend Pam Bridgeport. He and I spoke again after a presentation of his at the SOD conference, when I had a lot to contribute in the discussion section.

I had sent him an email to find out more about the position, and to see if it would really be compatible with my heading. I had given up on his response, had marked the job off my to-do list, and thus was a bit taken aback that he called, especially since I couldn't place his name. The upshot was that he encouraged me to apply, but there's no telling. I think I will. I worked a bit on the CV, and the cover letter, figuring I'll mention my new interests and activities, and see what comes. Like adjunct teaching at Lemon (but certainly on a bigger scale) this could be a nice balance for me. But, as I wrote recently, I'm so over this. It's not quite that I just don't care, but I'm not worried about it any more. That's a great place to be.

Next, I called up Drew Davidson from Steel Industries. He had written me back yesterday with a rather encouraging tone. He replied to my inquiry saying that yes, well, some of their clients were working on something connected to [specific goal], but that it really wasn't necessarily what I was thinking of. Then he closed: What's on your mind?

I took that as an invitation. So, we talked for nearly 45 minutes today. He actually said something along the lines of: we see you as some sort of a power player, able to influence the field. I'm gasping for air! He proposed that he'd like to get their newest rollout system (which sells in the five digits) in my hands to fiddle with, in hopes that it'd provide me many of the tools I want, that I might be able to help them to develop it into a better system, and that hopefully I might be able to pitch it to Wally Williams and the like.

Oh... okay!
This ... is fun!

Now, I'm still spending my family's money, and I've nothing directly to show for my efforts that might permit Rocket to take some time off from work. But... there's time. Did I say it? This is fun!

Oh, and I forgot to say, I think I've shocked Paul a bit. I've hit him with a deluge of activity, ideas, and emails. Yesterday, he had written (in his response to my third email):

OK, DUDE. Just spent about an hour ( and quite an enjoyable one I must say) on you and I've got a busy week with some deadlines. Keep me in the loop and ask for responses if you need them from here on out. I'll read, stay abreast and look forward to speaking with you on Friday.

This morning, I opened my inbox to read:

At a rare loss for words: You're a FUCKIN MAD MAN!!!!!!
I LOVE IT!!!

So totally over this

Dear Articulate Dad

Your interest in the Assistant Professor of [Field 1/subfield 1] ([subspecialization]) position has been received and reviewed. While you clearly have many talents and gifts to offer to this role, I'm sorry to say that we are currently considering candidates who appear to more closely meet our job match.

Please do not let this discourage you from applying to other positions within the University that you may feel qualified for.

Good luck with your employment search and thank you for considering employment with [University].

Sincerely,
Human Resources

Can I just say, my friends, I am feeling so totally over this today. It comes down to remembering who I am.

Another part of the conversation with Rocket over the weekend that I mentioned in an earlier post was an understanding of what I was interested in when I went back to school, what I worked on throughout my doctoral studies, what aspect of my dissertation work most excited me.

The reality is, I have always been interested in [Field 1] & [Field 2] studies, focusing on cognitive and perceptual issues. That is what I was excited about after completing my Master's, and that was what motivated me when I sought to go back to school. I wasn't interested in an existing discipline so much as I was seeking a means to study what excited me. I entered the doctoral program in [Field 1/subfield 1] not because I wanted to remake myself as one of them, but because I wanted to study the work of [Protagonist of my Dissertation]. I did that. Now, I want to use what I've learned.

The biggest change that's going on inside of me just now is a sense that I am in charge again. I'm adopting a new attitude as I move ahead. I'm no longer begging. I'm not on the ground, hoping for crumbs. That means, my thinking is not that these companies will hire me as an employee, or as a consultant, but rather that they have some of the tools that I need, to do the things I wish to do. I want to work with them to help develop the rest of those tools. This is a new attitude for me.

I realize that what I am about to do is risky, but also that none of the things that matter (mostly, my family!) is on the line. So what have I to lose?

Inspiration

A few weeks ago, I ordered a copy of "Droidmaker: George Lucas and the Digital Revolution," by Michael Rubin. It arrived a little more than a week ago. I spent a night or two finishing up my first ever reading of "Catcher in the Rye." Then I dug in.

Recently, I had an off-blog discussion with my friend Tracy. We reflected on how our state in life has an impact on how we view other people and events, how we take comments and criticism. I recall my sometime motto: everyone who got where they are, started where they were. Indeed. I realize that I am at a point where what speaks to me reflects the voice I have suppressed, which is seeking its release.

Today, I am taking inspiration from the stories of Francis Coppola and George Lucas. The reasons why they are inspiring me have much to do with where I am in life, and where I wish to go. Today, I am taking back my life, reclaiming my voice, allowing myself to dream with confidence. I shake off the past couple years of waiting.

Another point of Friday's coaching, which I didn't mention in my earlier post, was a question Paul posed to me at one point: what are you angry at yourself for?

Angry? at myself? Hmmm. I talked... but I couldn't quite put a finger on it. Was I angry at myself? It's part of Paul's style to ask questions like that, when I seem stuck, at an impasse. What was I angry with myself about?

He ventured: I have a suspicion that you're angry at yourself for waiting.

Hmmm. I had mentioned that much of the past couple years my modus operandi was to draft up abstracts for conferences, send them off, and wait. They were projects I had some commitment to, but also ones that I thought might appeal to that audience. If I got the green light, I went ahead with the work, and prepared a talk. If not, for the most part, I dropped it.

I did the same thing with job applications, sending off bits of myself, and waiting for a green light to develop that part of me. I tried to envision myself filling out the role defined by some committee or dean. In honesty, I never fully gave up myself: I encapsulated my interests in cover letters, and revealed it in my CVs. No one was buying. I worked harder to sell, chiseling away at my self, wanting some fish to bite, forgetting that trout was what I had a hankering for, not snapper.

Last night, I reflected with my wife that I didn't regret completing my PhD, writing my dissertation. But that, somewhere along the path, I had lost my voice, my passion, my drive, my confidence. Rocket said, she thought it wasn't so much in writing the dissertation, nor in being a grad student, that it happened. But in the time since, along with applying for jobs.

She said most all of the grant and fellowship applications, and much of the conference abstracts, and papers that I had worked on as a graduate student were true to me, reflected my interests. But since finishing the dissertation, my focus has been on finding a job. And the rejection has sapped my confidence, has reduced me to becoming more them, and less me--which, frankly, I'm not any good at, being them.

We talked about research, and about practical applications. I was excited, engaged. There was my voice. I heard it speaking again. Let me use it to succeed. Go to my strengths. Confidence and drive. This will come.

Society of Old Dinosars going extinct

The dinosaurs are going extinct--at least in my eyes.

Dear Articulate Dad,

Thank you for submitting a proposal for the meeting of the Society of Old Dinosaurs [location/date]. I regret to report that the Program Committee did not select your proposal.

The committee had the difficult task of selecting only 144 papers out of over 570 submissions. Unfortunately it could not accept all of the promising abstracts that were proposed. Both the Committee and the SOD Board have asked me to encourage you to consider presenting your work at an SOD chapter meeting* or other venues.

If you have questions about this year's deliberations, you may address them to [name], Chair of the Program Committee [email].

Yours sincerely,
[name]
Executive Director, Society of Old Dinosaurs

* Well, actually, I did. Last year, I presented a preliminary version of this work at the local chapter meeting.

Out of curiosity, I will write to the program chair to see if I might read redacted comments on my abstract (if such things exist). My impression is simply that old dinosaurs have no interest in my work. If they're not a proper part of my audience, perhaps I should stop trying to talk to them. I don't wish to be bitter. I just wish to understand my audience better.

This was the third abstract I'd submitted to the national conference, having not submitted for about four years. I have presented about a dozen conference papers, having organized and chaired two sessions. Do I really need the SOD to listen?

Silent phase

I've been silent a few days. Haven't felt like I had anything to say. Not really sure what to write now.

My brother-in-law and his wife were in town (last Thursday through last night). That was nice. In part it might explain some of my silence. And, there're taxes, which have taken up some of our time lately.

I'm just quite uncertain right now. Several of you fellow bloggers have been writing about writing, or about conferences, or about grading and teaching. I sit in my office, wondering what to do.

Partly, there's some confusion, coming from my wife's ups and downs about her work. She's dealing with an existential crisis herself. Part of her is pulling her to spend more time at home with the family. But there are hidden hands gripping the bars of her career, unwilling to loosen their grasp. Figuring out why they are holding on, and what the bar represents has been distracting both her and me for a while.

These uncertainties impact me in determining how much and when I need to bring in income. Thinking about that weighs on me, feeling an emptiness from taking. Having no income makes me feel like a fat, spoiled 20-something lying on a couch, watching sitcoms, and playing video games all day. Sure, I contribute at home. And I handle the finances, pay the bills, manage the investments. And I know the guilt is fruitless.

I haven't been lying on a couch. But I'm reminded of the lesson I learned years ago, about auditions. They don't care how long it took you to learn the part. They don't care how hard you tried. They care only about whether you pull it off. Today, I feel like I haven't yet pulled it off. I've been shirking a role that seems ill-suited to me. Yet, I'm still trying on costumes, reading over scripts, wondering if this one or that is a better fit.

I've been doing more reading recently. But days go by that seem to be rather unproductive. Accomplishments seem inordinately small in comparison to the time spent.

Mixed signals. There's still a tug for me to the academy. Yet, the academy has pushed me off, repeated, consistently, for years. The bitter taste still dwells in my craw. But I realize the acridness is mostly self-induced. Like with feelings and thoughts, it's up to me how to proceed.

et tu, Tasse?

Dear Articulate:

Sounds like you're doing lots of great things. I had a long conversation with the folks at [Alternate University] less than a week ago, so I hope something comes of it.

I'm very sorry it's all been so frustrating; obviously, that wasn't what you wanted. Your plan to start a consulting company sounds quite rich, and I hope you'll send me material so that I can pass it along to others.

As usual, congrats on your successful paper presentations and your other work.

Warm regards to the family.

Best,
Tasse

Tasse Plein
Professor and Chair, [Field 1]
[Big East Private]

At some point, we all grow up. My father died more than two years ago. In his later years, an unspoken realization was that I had surpassed his accomplishments (though surely not his late-blooming wisdom). He was very proud of my degrees, and anticipated with relish the completion of my PhD. It was, for me, a proud moment when, faced with a desire to return to writing, he trusted me with critiquing his poetry, in preparation for a fellowship application. Even the many times I disregarded it, I miss the opportunities to hear his advice.

When he died, my mother said I was "head of the clan": I'm the stable one, the married one, the well-degreed. The implication was that I am a finished product, ready to be packaged, shipped, and utilized. When I was younger, I often called my mother with one principal intent: merely to hear her say "it will be alright". I'm sure she'd tell me the same today. But I need to hear it in my own voice. I shudder. This, now... is all on me.

Unfinished Business

My earlier post was not the whole story. After writing it, I piddled for about an hour. I was still home at the time, having woken up a bit under the weather (probably allergies more than anything, as the local air quality is poor today). I had been delaying making a phone call, following up on one of the references that Mauricio Huppman had set up for me. I wanted to be in the right frame of mind. I finally made the call which lasted nearly an hour. It was free-wheeling, and encouraging. The upshot was he thought I'd find little resistance on the consulting path I'm setting up.

The letters had put me in an odd mood, thus the delay. I can't say I was really depressed by them. I'm not even sure how I'd react today if one of those schools called me up for an interview. It's an odd place to be.

In the back of my mind as well were this morning's emailed comments by Paul, goading me to jump from the plane, to trust my parachute. I had written him about the possible adjunct opportunity at [Lemon University]. Some of what follows is raw, so forgive me the lack of focus, the flightiness. Some ideas fly away with the wind like chaff. Some of this surely is chaff. I'm thinking out loud. Think of it as brainstorming, rather than edited copy. I had noted in my email to Paul:

It's a tough call for me, since I've been working and hoping for this eventuality for years now. Now that it seems likely, I'm torn. I keep saying I'm not quite ready to give up the aim of becoming a professor, and yet my sense of self-identity has been shifting. I need it less, if at all. This, of course, would simply be part time. There are logistical issues, in particular what the pay would be, and what the commute would look like (would I be teaching two days a week, three? days? evenings?). Certainly those factors would play into my decision.

But they're not all. Rocket & I have been talking about a default "exit strategy". She and I need to hash this out a bit more, but one idea we've been floating around is that, by the end of this year, unless something else takes hold to belay it, we'd plan to move back to [Former City], where we have friends, where we love the location, where there is easy access to a hub airport to conveniently fly just about anywhere in the states, and around the world. We haven't worked through all the details, but it's a thought that appeals in ways to both of us.

I had also kept Paul apprised of my correspondence with Joe Krowicki.

Thanks for the note. Great to connect with you and Rocket this past week. My gut tells me that it's time to make a decision on the Professorship. From what I gathered on the call on Friday, you both seem "done" with the idea of a Professorship. And, there is some unfinished business with you and the academic job hunt. My guess...if you get the offer and say no, you'll be able to put this phase of your life behind you. Again, just my opinion...you're an entrepreneurial spirit. Teaching? Maybe. But, probably after, or while you are in the process of making your mark.

The move to [Former City] will get a lot more conceivable once you have a few accounts under your belt or have a job that pays you what you feel you are worth and challenges you in that all important dinner party way.

I agree with Joe. He talks about there being a lot of networking involved in starting out on your own. You love to network. And, you're great at it. Having been an Entrepreneur for almost 20 years now, this I can tell you for sure. The merit system works in the business world. If you're the best, are willing to let people know that in a non-threatening way, help them see how you can make them better and do what you say you are going to do, you win. In other words...in business...the cream does rise to the top.

So there you have it. Where do I go from here?

Trickling rejection

The academic rejection letters trickle in, day by day. I mentioned a couple days ago that I had received the official letter from Joe Krowicki at [Lake View U.]. A few others have been crossing my transom.

Today brought three more:

The expected disappointment:

Dear Dr. Dad,

On behalf of [Research Center] at [Big West Private], I would like to thank you for your interest in our junior faculty position. It was a pleasure to review your supplementary materials with the members of the search committee. However, I regret to inform you...

Please accept our wishes for much success in your career, and thank you for your interest in [Big West Private].

Sincerely,
Larry Strope

The impersonal send-off:

Dear Dr. Dad:

I am writing with regard to your application for X at Y. The Search Committee has completed its review of the submitted credentials, and I am sorry to report that your application is no longer under consideration for this position. The Committee was very impressed with the quality of the applications submitted. The selection of candidates from the overall field was not an easy task...

Sincerely,
[Name], Dean

And, the heart-warming heartbreak (to be noted alongside the recent letter Trillwing presented):

Dear Articulate [Middle Name] Dad:

Thank you for your application for the Assistant Professor of [Subfield 1] at [University].

In most faculty searches, the university receives from one hundred to four hundred applications. Nearly all applicants are qualified by academic training and degree program, so the task of each search committee is a daunting one. Our hiring process calls for the committee to present ten to twenty files to the dean for review and ultimately to recommend a small number of candidates, normally three, for campus interviews.

We are painfully aware that many excellent candidates exist in what are sometimes very crowded fields. I can assure you that your application was read with attention and evaluated carefully. In this case, however, you were not among those finalists for the position who were invited to campus. One of those finalists has now been offered and has accepted the position.

The search committee and I thank you for your interest in [University]. We wish you the best in your effort to find an appropriate and attractive faculty appointment.

Sincerely,
[Name], Academic Vice President

The pain does not diminish.This last letter hit me the hardest. Such a fine pool of qualified and talented candidates. What a stupid waste for society to not use those talents. And why am I here? Why do I still torture myself, with almostness?

Torn by a Lemon peel

Last week, I wrote to my friend, Sara Chaisano, to renew my invitation for her and family to come over for dinner (it's about 40 minutes to an hour's drive), and to update her on my current career thinking. I'm torn, because it seems the prospect of them offering me some adjunct teaching for next year is shoring up. What do I want, now? Not sure.

Hi Articulate! Sorry to take so long to respond. Life is really crazy. Newborn schedule and my current administrative tasks. So I am checking email about twice a week only.

Anyway, thank you for the invitation for dinner! It is very kind of you and we would love to come up there. [Detailed Logistics]. So maybe April would be better. But then it's so hard for me to find time to grade now that I spend so much time baby-tending, that it might be better after the semester is over! Or maybe we could meet half way?

Good luck with your faculty job search. That's too bad about [Lake View U.]--do you know why they did that? Here at [Lemon University] it looks more and more like we'll probably need someone to cover our [Field 1] 101 course for the fall and spring next year. I'm not sure about anything else yet, but also possible the [broader crossdisciplinary] class. Nothing concrete yet---but if it works out would you be interested in teaching 101 for us? I already have my two [subfield 2] colleagues on board to approve you.

Take care!
Sara

I've got to reply in the next few days. I'll have to discuss this with the Rocket Scientist. I'd be loathe to turn aside an opportunity that I've spent years working for (even if it's on the bottom rung), without something else to hold on to. This is a really tough call for me. But I respect Sara too much (and my own sense of propriety) to lightly say, yeah, sure, I'd do it, unless I have a good sense that I'd be willing to follow through. To some extent, it would depend on logistics: what would the pay be, and what would be the schedule, both of which would help me to decide the practicality of the commute vs. the costs in time and money for travel.

Beginning the break

I have a habit: when I wish something to become real, I put it in writing, and send it off to someone.

In 2001, while serving as the de facto director of a center for the interdisciplinary study of [Field 1] (I had a 100% TA-ship attached to the center, with Tasse Plein as my advisor), I drafted the bylaws, giving it a structure, and I designed it's logo, which stands to this day.

This week, I put that creativity to work on my own consultancy. I designed a business card and letterhead. I printed them up. The first thing I did, was package up some homemade jam to send off to Susan Trout, one of my new friends from [Industry Conference West]. She works for [Corporate Giant], and became a fast friend and advocate for me, while also offering some pointed criticism. Enclosed in the box with the jam, I put a new business card, and hand wrote a note on my letterhead.

Had a good coaching this morning, jointly with my wife. It was mostly occupied with interactions between her and Paul. I think it was quite productive, and will give us some jumping off points for moving ahead with collective dreaming.

I feel the break with an academic career search building, even while the possibility of being hired by [Alternate University] looms. I might be quite content to pick up some online courses, while building a future of my own design.

Here are some excerpts of emails I sent today to Joe Krowicki and Tasse Plein. Put it in writing, and it becomes real:

Hi Joe,

Life goes on. Just got your official [Lake View U.] "thanks but no thanks" letter. I suppose you're in Europe, or somewhere in between. I hope the trip proves productive and enjoyable for you.

Here's my latest, since you asked to be kept informed. I attended [Industry Conference West] as I mentioned. It was quite inspiring. The projects that are underway in [Applied Research Field] are really something. I left the conference with about 20 business cards from contacts I had made, along with perhaps another 20 or more names of people to follow up with, many of whom I've already sent inquiries to. So far, nothing concrete. But I decided in the meantime to get started on some research which I hope will serve to improve [Forgery]. As a vehicle for these efforts I've started the shell of my own consultancy. Attached is a symbol of this new persona.
...
While I still believe I would enjoy the role of professor, indeed I have confidence that I would play it well, I've tired much of the role I've been playing these past couple years, of perpetual job seeker. It's discouraging, disappointing, and seemingly useless: much effort for no reward, and no benefit to others. At least if I've got a classroom, I know something will get through to the students. But to send off application after application to bored and tired search committees, with uncertain agendae, administrative diktats, imposed curricular requirements, is wearing in the extreme. This is not what I signed on for when I went back to school for a PhD.

I like research. I like working to solve real problems, grounded in practical needs. I haven't been trained for that. It's a different sort of focus than I'm used to, a more broad audience. I can't say I've fully given up the goal of becoming a professor, but I'm less and less inclined to fit myself into the pre-ordained roles defined by visionless administrators and search committees. I suppose I should apologize for the bitterness that comes through. I've worked hard to accomplish something as an academic; I've trod on the path through the woods, only to find a barren field at the clearing. Damn it, I'm going to find a path that leads to fruit!

Thanks for being a mentor to me in this, and for your patience in hearing me gripe.

Enjoy,
Articulate

Hi Tasse,

It's been a while. I suppose you were likely contacted by [Alternate University] this week. I applied to them on a whim, having seen an ad for their opening on some website about a month ago. It might be nice to have some use for my training in [Field 1]. Other than that, the academic job search has continued to net me little but silence and frustration. While I haven't fully given up the hope of finding meaningful work as a professor, I've realized that I hate the role I've been playing these past couple years, of perpetual job seeker. I don't play it well.

A few weeks ago, I attended [Industry Conference West]. ...then headed off to Europe for [Field 2 Conference]. I got back a couple weeks ago, and have been clearing my plate of obligations, seeking a new direction to move forward. I'm not sure where this will all lead, but I am certain that the path I've been on has lead me to nothing but misery and self-doubt. I didn't go back to school to wander aimlessly after completing a PhD. That wasn't exactly what I had in mind. I want to make a difference. I want to contribute to advancing human knowledge. If I'm denied a classroom, I've got to find myself a different venue for moving ahead.

I've decided to create the shell of a consultancy as the vehicle for some of my present research. With any luck, I'll be able to sell some of my ideas in [Applied Research Field]. Who knows where this will lead. But it's a far more enjoyable way to spend my time, than reading rejection letters from university search committees.

I hope you are well, that [your wife] is enjoying her present state, that the children are thriving. All my best to you, Tasse.

/Articulate

Close a door, and someone will knock

Dear Articulate Dad,

Thank you for expressing your interest in teaching at the [Alternate University]*.

We are pleased to inform you that the academic program director in your area of interest has reviewed your application and would like to consider your candidacy further. We ask that you arrange for an OFFICIAL transcript of your highest degree to be sent to our offices as soon as possible.

If you provided the names and contact information of five (5) professional references on your application, we will need no further information. We will be requesting that each reference respond within five business days.

The academic department will contact you once they have reviewed your completed application packet.

Again, thank you for your interest in [Alternate University].

Sincerely,

Steven Hulk
Director of Worldwide Faculty Recruitment

* [Alternate University] is an accredited institution dedicated to providing students around the world the opportunity to achieve their goals through online instruction.

And just how did I come across this opening? Not through the usual channels. I didn't see it on the Chronicle's website. It wasn't posted on the vacancy lists of my professional societies. I saw an ad on some blog a month or so ago. No, this isn't a tenure-track gig. But then, maybe it's something to keep me busy while I get a consultancy off the ground. Who knows? Don't know where it'll go from here. But we'll see. Meantime, I'm happy just being where I am.

Is it hard to say goodbye?

Rocket asked a rather astute question last night, after we put the boys to sleep, while we sat on the couch, exhausted from a full day:

Is it hard for you to say goodbye to an academic career, for you to leave it all behind?

Hmmm. I thought, for just a moment, Well, there's nothing really I am leaving. So, no, it's not hard. The only thing really I'm saying goodbye to, is to my role as a perpetual job seeker within academia.

Truth be told, I think I could rather enjoy being a professor. The academy has been the constant for more than half my life. I entered college at age 15 in 1983, taking off a few years here and there before receiving my PhD in 2005. It was home.

I was teaching as an adjunct at a community college in Colorado 1998-2000, after having completed a master's degree in [Field 1]. I rather enjoyed it. The classroom for me, was like a stage, but the script was partly gleaned from experience, partly from the text, partly self-written, and a good part improvised. It was fun. But I haven't taught a classroom full of students in years. I have given a few guest lectures for other's classes at several institutions, and I taught one interdisciplinary seminar (of about 8 people) at my doctoral institution, while ABD. But the last time I had my own classroom was summer 2000, just before heading to Paradise.

At that point, I had decided to go back to school to get my PhD. I assumed that I would simply slide into the role of professor after completing it. It seemed the logical assumption: I was teaching at a community college with a master's; I was well-liked by my colleagues and students, had high evaluations; I had ideas that consistently raised people's interest, and a drive to completion. Why wouldn't I be able to move back into teaching at a college or university after finishing? I never really expected otherwise. It has been a great shock.

But, while I could enjoy the role of professor, I abhor the role of seeking. The past couple years have been terrible for me; they have sapped my energy, my enthusiasm, my drive, my self-confidence, my sense of purpose and direction. And for what? An unexamined assumption!

Now, I begin to examine it.

Wouldn't it be funny if...

You know, I just had a rather odd and disconcerting thought, as I walked downstairs to check my office mailbox, a box which has been empty all but three times (only once with mail for me) since I started renting here in November. Our old postal carrier, in Paradise has got to be the absolute worst, least considerate, laziest, postal carrier I have ever encountered. In fact, I have had some wonderful, considerate, thoughtful, intelligent, giving carriers in my day. But he... was not one of them. In fact, he refused, outright refused to care one iota about his job. You'd think after the sixty-ninth time reading deceased sprawled over a letter to my dad, he'd have the sense to realize the next one would reappear in the box the same way, the next day. (You know, like the old Saturday Night Live skit: our top story tonight, Francisco Franco is stiiiill dead!) That was just one of the issues. Believe me, there were more.

But... I'm fairly certain that he'd completely disregard the forwarding order that we put into place, which because it saves us from having junk mail forwarded is not entirely a problem (we have had only a spare handful of forwards received at our new location since arriving in October)... but, I've become a bit curious that I've heard back from next to none of the schools I applied to for faculty posts. Now, granted, if they were interested in interviewing me, you'd think they'd call, or email me at least. Our phone numbers haven't changed, thanks to the wonders of Vonage, and the cell phone industry. But, I do wonder if some of the correspondence I would have been getting from these schools, which by rights should have been forwarded to me, was not rather delivered to the new tenants of our old house, who after the sixty-ninth time writing "not here" on the envelopes, tired of the procedure and simply threw them out. Makes you wonder.

A bit of the past?

This from last Tuesday, before the [Industry Conference] began:

Hi Jon,

It's been a while. Tasse Plein tells me you had a nice visit to [Big East Private] a little while back. I just wanted to touch base with you, let you know what I'm up to, and solicit any advice you might have to offer. It's been a long couple years since finishing up my dissertation. Quite a frustrating time to be honest, looking for a faculty post. With the retraction of the recent [true subfield] posting at [Lakeview U.] (it's been reposted as an old-line [subfield 2] post), I hear the death knoll for academic [true subfield] in the States. So, I'm branching out as I can.

I'm looking beyond academia as well, thinking that two years is long enough to put all my eggs in that basket. Recently, I've taken a strong interest in applied research applications, in particular [details], which engages my [Field 1/Field 2] focus. I'm heading to [Industry Conference] in a few hours. I've got some meetings set up with different folks, including the CTO & Strategist for [Applied Research Field] at [Corporate Giant]. I'm also going to meet with Larry Strope at [Research Center] at [Big Western Private] which last I heard was still considering my candidacy for their open post. Hopefully something will come of it all.

The biggest frustration for me lately is simply that I spend more time and energy applying for jobs than I do engaging in the research that motivates me. In any case, I know you followed a non-traditional path to where you are, and thought I'd see if you had any words of wisdom to share with me. You seem to have landed on your feet.

I hope you are well, and thriving at [Top Notch Canadian]. Let me know how things are going. And... congratulations on the success of your book.

Two little notes: Jon Levitz was a visiting scholar at [Big West Private] in the [Research Center] during the four years after finishing his PhD. His recent book, last I checked, was somehwere below 300 in Amazon sales rankings, quite a success by any standard, which will become more significant as you read on.

Hi, Articulate.

It is a tough job market and I sympathize, but I would suggest you not give up too soon. I spent four years looking for a job after I got my Ph.D. I applied to 150 jobs, and was only offered two interviews. One of those was [current job]. For the last two years of the four that I was job-hunting, I didn't even have a job. I earned only $8,000 a year those two years doing odd jobs. Something ought to turn up sooner or later.

Jon

Jon,

Thanks for this. Sometimes it is so isolating being here "on the market" with little to hang on to, and much despair. It's good to know others, whom I admire, have found themselves in similar straits, and survived another day to tell about it.

Perhaps I'll see you at [upcoming SII conference], if not sooner. It'd be great to sit down over a beer or coffee and catch up.

Best,

Articulate

It is difficult to fathom why someone so capable as Jon could be left to wallow jobless four years after completing the PhD. I mentioned Jon to Larry Strope in the afternoon on Thursday. Larry's eyes widened at the thought of applying for 150 academic jobs before landing a faculty post. I have applied for over 100. Makes you wonder...

Sometimes I get the feeling...

Our au pair often muses that I have chosen a field in which there are no jobs to be had, that I have self-selected myself out of a career. Nonsense, I'd like to say. I have merely chosen to follow a path that is true to myself. Yes, it is a difficult one. Perhaps I like the challenge. But mostly, we make choices at each juncture, seek to remedy the false steps of the last, and look toward the next.

I sent a brief "checking in" note a couple days ago to Joe Krowicki at [Lake View U.] As you may recall, the position that had looked promising for me was transformed by their dean into something much less appealing (to both me and him):

Hi Joe,

I just thought I'd drop you a line to let you know what I'm up to. I have very much enjoyed our interactions over the past few years, and value your friendship. While I have not yet given up all hope for landing a faculty post, I've grown weary of the wait. About a month ago, I began working with a career coach, to give my career a jumpstart. I've been looking into some of the research going on in [practical application], in particular [some details]. I'll be attending an industry conference [Name & Location] next week, where I'll be meeting with [Corporate Giant] CTO & Strategist for [Applied Research field], among other people. Who knows if this new path will prove more fruitful than my academic job search. But I'm tired of waiting for something to happen in that vein.

I hope you are well, and surviving the task of hiring new colleagues at [Lake View U.]. Let me know how things are going on your end.

Best regards,
Articulate

Here was Joe's reply:

Articulate,

Thanks for the update. The [Corporate Giant] connection sounds very exciting, and I hope you'll let me know what that conference was like. Here in the frozen heartland we are almost halfway done with the "regular-old-theory" search. The last person comes through in a couple weeks. I go off to Europe a week later, mostly to do some archival digging, but also to give two lectures and to participate in a job search (me as a candidate) in [country].

So, lots happening. Please stay in touch,
Joe

Sometimes I get the feeling that my au pair may just be right, at least when it comes to academia. Bear in mind, [Lake View U.] was perhaps the last best bastion of [true subdiscipline] in the U.S. Because it is an interdisciplinary field, there is in fact greater activity involving it in other fields than [Field 1]. But within [Field 1] there were essentially three programs in The States. The first school has one remaining faculty member who is well-established in [true subdiscipline]. A second school which was developing a PhD program in it, lost the senior faculty member who was behind it to another school, where his "distinguished" endowed post permits him to concentrate on his own research, but has not prompted him to establish a new graduate program. The last of these three was [Lake View U.] where the two remaining faculty in [true subdiscipline] may soon be dropping to one, with no indication of any desire to raise that number. [SIGH].

As Joe put it: "not yet dead... but on life support."