A new sort of day

At noon, I have a conference call regarding setting up a new California chapter of Applied Research Field Society, which is the main organizational sponsor of the Industry Conferences. A couple weeks ago, I formalized membership, and indicated my interest in getting a local chapter established. Frank Mayer is the president of the society. Susan Trout is also a board member, and was the one who called today's meeting. The next Industry Conference is in August in New York. I hope to attend, and to have some demos of my current research to share with people. That's my target.

Other than the conference call, I will be preparing this lecture demo for tomorrow night at Lemon University. I latched onto some ideas yesterday about what to speak. I've got about an hour or so of the class to cover, and I'm feeling much more confident about it.

On Sunday, Rocket & I had a date at a local tapas bar, when we had a chance to talk more fully about our current plans and goals, about the risks and the benefits, and about how to proceed. One thing I asked of her (and myself) is an understanding of what it is we seek to preserve, what we're not willing to risk. We're committed to each other and to our family. In terms of finances, which translate into security and freedom, we've decided that six months' living expenses (outside of retirement savings) is our bedrock. Everything else is fair game. That leaves what I might consider a decent year's salary at my disposal, a comfortable sum for getting off the ground.

Not, of course, that I will head to Las Vegas, or the business equivalent. But it puts a frame on decisions. Should I attend this conference? Should I buy this piece of equipment, or this software package? How much will it cost? Is that the most effective use of the funds available to invest in this venture. We invest in the stock of companies we have little knowledge of, and even less say. Why not invest in our own ideas? Rocket likes the potential. I like the potential.

I've talked to the property managers here, to see about moving into a larger office when one opens up. I've asked Rocket to look into the possibilities of her telecommuting one or two days a week, which would save her about an hour and a half in commuting each day. This is because while she has realized that she enjoys her work, is appreciated and well compensated there, she'd like to find more balance in her life, meaning in particular spending more time with the family. She'd also like the freedom to cut back hours or take time off if she chooses. Avoiding the commute would save her time, which seems important. I've asked after an office that would accommodate three or four people. The idea is Rocket could work alongside me on the days she might telecommute (my office is only a five minutes' drive or fifteen minutes' bike ride from our house), and I might be able to bring on a partner or two in my private ventures.

On that point, I've tentatively recruited the first. Eduardo Montana is a friend of mine from The University of Paradise, he's a cohort of mine, and a PhD candidate in [Field 2], with a strong interest and background in [Field 1] as well. We talked on the phone last week, and he was quite excited by the prospects. He's on target to file his dissertation by the end of the fall, leaving him open to working with me after that. He had applied for some post-docs which failed to materialize. Like me, his interdisciplinary interests seem to be a liability in academia. So, we shall see.

Meantime, I'm learning what I can about business plans, about financing options. For now, we can probably spend our own money. I set up my first business credit card (on Amazon) the other day, when ordering some items as inspiration for one of my current projects (a new and exciting one I haven't mentioned yet, but which affords me the chance to bring many strands together into one rope).

And all the while, I'm wondering what will come of these various openings in academia. There is no going back. But, I like the thought of traveling multiple paths simultaneously. On that point, I realize something significant about my relationship with my coach. I seek and need his approval less and less. My self-confidence increases, and my willingness to trust my own judgment grows.At times, it would seem he wishes me to make decisions sooner than I feel properly prepared to make them. For instance, I put off making a decision regarding these two upcoming conferences in the UK, delaying the decision several times. I had only set a deadline for deciding at Paul's urging. But each time it approached, I felt unwilling to discard it. I wanted to hear back from them. In the end, the second one came through. I wouldn't have wanted to let it go.

To some extent, I think Paul has been pushing me to abandon my interests in academia. But I'm not sure that's true to me. What I have rejected is the waiting game, even though at times it is necessary to wait for word from others. I've thrown off the costume of the perpetual supplicant, begging for scraps at the base of the ivory tower. But wishing to not act the dog at the gate does not mean I give up hope to enter.

The point is, I've gained a great deal from these coachings, but I enter a new phase now. Perhaps it is time to begin the transition. When we began, Paul suggested an unbinding commitment of six months. We're entering the fourth month now. When I have my coaching on Thursday, I will suggest we move to bi-weekly sessions. I think it's time.

A break in the silence

I'm sorry my friends for my recent silence. It's been a long five days. I've been busy. My ideas for heading off on my own are beginning to congeal. Ideas pour forth like rain, some to wash off in the gutters, and some to nourish the seeds and seedlings of my garden.

A couple weeks ago, during my coaching with Paul, I developed a metaphor of my career as a garden, and me as the gardener. I realized my role as perpetual job seeker in academia had made a leaf out of me. And leaves, as we all know, are individually non-essential parts of a plant. I was withering, browning, and cracking.

I prefer the role of gardener.

And wouldn't you know it, it's just now that especially the academic side of my career begins to heat up.

I mentioned during my recent family trip (when I also got to meet the wonderful WhatNow? and her beloved D in person!), that I had been contacted by the organizer of a workshop in Canada, to request my attendance and participation. I spoke with her one evening last week, and she indicated that they would likely be able to fund my trip, and that she would bring this up at their next meeting. The next morning, I got word that funding had been approved to sponsor my trip to one of the conferences in the UK, to serve as part of a keynote panel. Unfortunately, the dates for these two events conflict. I wrote to the organizer in Canada to mention the conflict. Currently, she's trying to find a way to bring me out there just before my trip to the UK, and requested a brief abstract of my interest in their event.

The first of the two conferences in the UK (for which I had prime poster real estate) was only able to offer me a token amount, enough to cover the registration fees. I respectfully declined, and regretfully withdrew my submission, for lack of funds to attend. I got email today from one of the organizers of that first conference, whom I've known and corresponded with since perhaps 1998. He has at times been listed as a reference for me on my CV. Indeed, this morning he sent his regrets that they were unable to find sufficient funds for me to attend the conference, and to request a current copy of my CV, since he's been contacted by Midwestern City University to provide a reference for me, and wants to include the latest.

This coming Wednesday night, I head down to Lemon University for a teaching demo. I was a bit apprehensive about it, since the materials that the instructor requested I cover were a bit out of my comfort zone. I gave him a call to discuss it. He was open to me covering related material that I felt more knowledgeable about, and intimated that he trusts Sara Chaisano's opinion, but that the dean requires a teaching demo before an offer can be made. It sounds to me like the gig is mine to lose. As long as I don't blow it, I should be fine. Sara also indicated that they expect to be hiring one or two more faculty in the next year or so, and that having taught there as an adjunct would give me a big leg up. (That is in fact how she got her current job there).

Then (while writing this post), I just got an email back from Matt Suliman. It has been nearly a month since I wrote him. His email was apologetic for the delay, but encouraging, supportive, and friendly.

I am just overwhelmed. Good things are happening. I feel it. The soil is fertile and moist. Which seedlings will grow? Only time, with patience and perseverance, will tell.

Upside down/Inside out

The world... the world appears upside down and inside out. The events of this week confuse me.

An email last Sunday arrived from the organizer of the [Field 1 & Field 2] conference where I have had a poster accepted in the UK next month. I was ready to send my regrets and withdraw. But I looked over the schedule and presentations. Really interesting, some of which seems squarely relevant to both an academic career and one in [Applied Research Field]. Then, I noticed my name listed in the first slot for the first of three poster sessions. I don't suppose the placement is part of any hierarchy, but it certainly adds a degree of prominence to my name. I began to think I ought do whatever I can to attend. I would likely learn a lot, and gain a good many more contacts (as well as see many of my disparate friends whom I know from other conferences).

Today, I received an email inviting me by name to participate in a Workshop in Canada by the professor organizing it. It just happens to take place at the exact time as the conference in the UK. I'd be their guest and a participant, but they suggested travel costs may not be covered. We have a rather limited travel budget and request participants to seek assistance from their universities. Um... considering circumstances, not likely I'll find any university assistance. But it's nice to be wanted.

Then, a few minutes later, I received an email from the producer for a nationally syndicated radio show, asking if I would be willing to be interviewed as an expert for this week's show.

I'm ... just flabbergasted. And... I'm supposed to be on vacation. I'm really bad about vacations, especially when I'm feeling I've nothing to vacation from. [SIGH!] I'm overwhelmed. Are these good developments? I would think so. But I'm just not sure how to respond.

Inspiration

A few weeks ago, I ordered a copy of "Droidmaker: George Lucas and the Digital Revolution," by Michael Rubin. It arrived a little more than a week ago. I spent a night or two finishing up my first ever reading of "Catcher in the Rye." Then I dug in.

Recently, I had an off-blog discussion with my friend Tracy. We reflected on how our state in life has an impact on how we view other people and events, how we take comments and criticism. I recall my sometime motto: everyone who got where they are, started where they were. Indeed. I realize that I am at a point where what speaks to me reflects the voice I have suppressed, which is seeking its release.

Today, I am taking inspiration from the stories of Francis Coppola and George Lucas. The reasons why they are inspiring me have much to do with where I am in life, and where I wish to go. Today, I am taking back my life, reclaiming my voice, allowing myself to dream with confidence. I shake off the past couple years of waiting.

Another point of Friday's coaching, which I didn't mention in my earlier post, was a question Paul posed to me at one point: what are you angry at yourself for?

Angry? at myself? Hmmm. I talked... but I couldn't quite put a finger on it. Was I angry at myself? It's part of Paul's style to ask questions like that, when I seem stuck, at an impasse. What was I angry with myself about?

He ventured: I have a suspicion that you're angry at yourself for waiting.

Hmmm. I had mentioned that much of the past couple years my modus operandi was to draft up abstracts for conferences, send them off, and wait. They were projects I had some commitment to, but also ones that I thought might appeal to that audience. If I got the green light, I went ahead with the work, and prepared a talk. If not, for the most part, I dropped it.

I did the same thing with job applications, sending off bits of myself, and waiting for a green light to develop that part of me. I tried to envision myself filling out the role defined by some committee or dean. In honesty, I never fully gave up myself: I encapsulated my interests in cover letters, and revealed it in my CVs. No one was buying. I worked harder to sell, chiseling away at my self, wanting some fish to bite, forgetting that trout was what I had a hankering for, not snapper.

Last night, I reflected with my wife that I didn't regret completing my PhD, writing my dissertation. But that, somewhere along the path, I had lost my voice, my passion, my drive, my confidence. Rocket said, she thought it wasn't so much in writing the dissertation, nor in being a grad student, that it happened. But in the time since, along with applying for jobs.

She said most all of the grant and fellowship applications, and much of the conference abstracts, and papers that I had worked on as a graduate student were true to me, reflected my interests. But since finishing the dissertation, my focus has been on finding a job. And the rejection has sapped my confidence, has reduced me to becoming more them, and less me--which, frankly, I'm not any good at, being them.

We talked about research, and about practical applications. I was excited, engaged. There was my voice. I heard it speaking again. Let me use it to succeed. Go to my strengths. Confidence and drive. This will come.

Society of Old Dinosars going extinct

The dinosaurs are going extinct--at least in my eyes.

Dear Articulate Dad,

Thank you for submitting a proposal for the meeting of the Society of Old Dinosaurs [location/date]. I regret to report that the Program Committee did not select your proposal.

The committee had the difficult task of selecting only 144 papers out of over 570 submissions. Unfortunately it could not accept all of the promising abstracts that were proposed. Both the Committee and the SOD Board have asked me to encourage you to consider presenting your work at an SOD chapter meeting* or other venues.

If you have questions about this year's deliberations, you may address them to [name], Chair of the Program Committee [email].

Yours sincerely,
[name]
Executive Director, Society of Old Dinosaurs

* Well, actually, I did. Last year, I presented a preliminary version of this work at the local chapter meeting.

Out of curiosity, I will write to the program chair to see if I might read redacted comments on my abstract (if such things exist). My impression is simply that old dinosaurs have no interest in my work. If they're not a proper part of my audience, perhaps I should stop trying to talk to them. I don't wish to be bitter. I just wish to understand my audience better.

This was the third abstract I'd submitted to the national conference, having not submitted for about four years. I have presented about a dozen conference papers, having organized and chaired two sessions. Do I really need the SOD to listen?

Die Konferenz endet

The [Field 2] conference has now come to an end. A rather enjoyable, educational experience. I participated in a workshop which was one of the concurrent tracks of the conference, lasting its entire length (other than plenary talks), with papers all regarding one particular aspect of [Field 2] which most relates to my interests and my work. I gave the absolute last paper of the session. Made some new contacts, learned quite a bit more about what is going on in this area of research. I am pleased, and though this was an academic conference, I am further convinced that my current focus on applied research in industry is perhaps the best course for me.

One idea that came out of [Industry Conference] and which is confirmed in my experience here is a shift in terms of my self-identity within the broad field of research. In part, as an academic (at least for me) there is a sense that one's ideas, especially their originality, are equated with one's self, and one's self-worth. It was reflected in my recent fear about "being scooped". It seems in industry, in applied research, what is most important is not who thought of what first, but rather how these ideas are implemented. It takes some of the burden off being completely original, reduces the need to be first and only, and rests it squarely on what one does with ideas.

I have sometimes mused at the difference between Haydn & Dvorak as composers. Haydn opined that the hardest thing for him was coming up with a musical theme, everything else was easy. Dvorak for his part, perhaps singed by the view that as a "peasant musician" melody just came to him natural, reflected that musical ideas were easy: the difficulty lay in their development.

And so, just as my listening preferences lean toward the latter, I identify more with Dvorak's view of work: the idea itself is the easy part; it is merely the beginning; the real work lies in what one does with the ideas. With this new-found (or reborn) approach, it is easier for me to delight in the work of others that may advance or precede my own. Much of this is new work; there is certainly room for my contribution. Rather than feeling inadequate, or thrown off course by discovering others who have accomplished research that I have only contemplated, I am able to delight in this fact, wishing to gain from their collective wisdom, accepting my role as merely a cog in the wheel, or a ball in the bearing, rather than the engine that drives it all. I think this humility is something I have sometimes lacked. It will serve me well.

Tomorrow I head home, to begin a new journey.

Industry Conference followups, Part III

Meredith Binowitz is an industry consultant, running her own firm. Her background is in [Field 2] rather than engineering or computer science, like most of the field. I spoke with her about my research interests, and about her career path, getting from academia to where she is today.

Dear Meredith,
It was great to meet you, and get a chance to talk about so many things. Thanks again for your generosity with your time and energy. I found the event truly inspiring, and am eager to move ahead in this direction with my career. I expect your comments and suggestions will prove significant to me. Attached is a copy of my resume. I expect to be in [her area] in July. If I get the chance, and you have the time, I'd love to stop in on you and catch up. In any case, we'll be in touch.

Enjoy,
Articulate

Articulate,
I enjoyed meeting you and talking with you. I'm glad the conference has moved you forward. I look forward to hearing how things proceed - whether it is in person in July or by email. By the way, would you mind it if I sent your resume to an [Applied Research Field] recruiter that I know?

Meredith

Uh... no brainer there; I replied that I'd be delighted.

Industry Conference followups, Part II

Dear Mauricio,

It was nice meeting you at [Industry Conference West]. To refresh your memory, we stood in front of the registration desk for a while shooting the breeze with Frank Mayer. Attached is a copy of my resume. I hope to see you again, perhaps in New York in August.

Enjoy,
Articulate

Hi Articulate,

Yes, I remember meeting you!!!
Please refresh my memory some more, what was it that I was supposed to do with your resume? Would you like me to look around at [Company]? Anything in particular you are interested in?

Cheers,
Mauricio
_____________________________________________
Mauricio Huppman
Global Sales Manager, [Company]

Hi Mauricio,

Certainly if there is an appropriate position for me at [Company] I would be interested. I won't hold you to finding one though. My primary field of interest at the moment is [rather full details]. I am recently making the shift from an academic focused career toward the commercial field of [Applied Research]. I was inspired by the conference, and am looking for a niche to enter the field. If you have any ideas or suggestions, can think of anyone to introduce me to, or whom I should contact, please let me know.

In any case, it was a treat to meet you, and I look forward to seeing you again.

Enjoy,
Articulate

Articulate,

Well, I tend to think that [Company] has the best [relevant product] around. That's what they tell us in sales anyway ;-)

I forwarded your resume to a few folks - Our chief scientist (the closest thing to having a CTO), manager of our [relevant product] lab in the UK and a manager I know well in the services group.

Check out [URL]. Local consulting company with worldwide customer engagements. They are well connected in the industry and with customers. They can help you understand, among other things, if your skills are directly applicable as a professional service directly with customers. If yes, they are the place to go to for that. If you are interested I can provide introductions to their principals - I know them all.

Regards,
Mauricio

Industry Conference followups, Part I

The floodgates are open. There are so many emails going back and forth, perhaps it's easiest if I continue in that vein for a while. Yesterday, I sent off about a dozen followup contacts (desperately seeking to get back to everyone I met before I head overseas), many with copies of my resume, some simply to say "nice to meet you," others with much greater detail.

Among the most important contacts was Frank Mayer, who was my entry point to the event, an old hand in the industry, President of the principal industry professional association (which helped sponsor the event), a consummate schmoozer, and a wonderful and willing partner in my crime of introductions:

Frank,

I just want to thank you for your drive, enthusiasm, assistance, and patience with my testing the waters at [Industry Conference West]. It was an inspirational event for me, and I suspect a pivotal one for my career. I stand now fully convinced that this is the direction I wish to head. Your generosity of spirit was quite a gift to me, and for that I thank you.

Looking forward to many more interactions in the future. Hopefully, I'll have as much to offer you then, as you were kind enough to offer me these past few weeks.

FYI, I attach a copy of my resume. Do stay in touch. I'll be sure to let you know how things progress for me.

Yours enthusiastically,
Articulate

I confess "fully convinced" is a bit of hyperbole. Fake it 'til you make it, in a sense. But I am enthusiastic and excited about the prospects. The embers are glowing, but will they ignite the bonfire, only time will tell.

Articulate,

It was a delight to meet you, and I'm really glad you decided to invest in the trip to attend the conference. Even though you didn't mange to walk away with a job offer in your pocket, you've broken the ice on numerous fronts and I suspect it's only a matter of time -- a short amount of time -- until one of these turns into an opportunity for you. You made a lasting, positive impression on many folks, certainly me among them!

I look forward to staying in touch -- my business brings me out to [Rocket City area] periodically, and hopefully yours will bring you to the [Industry Conference East] in NYC in August. In 5 years I expect to be in the audience watching YOU at the podium, commenting to the person next to me, 'hey, I knew this dude when he was just struggling and out-of-work, and now look at him!'

Warmest regards,
Frank

So different

I am finding a difficult time articulating all my thoughts and feelings these days. Each night of the [Industry Conference] I returned to my hotel room, booted up the laptop, and thought about writing. But I just couldn't. I was at a loss to really fathom my own feelings. I was like those cartoon characters, hit on the head, changing colors, plaid to stripes, dots and patterns.

And now, I wish to tell you all that has taken place, mostly inside of me. Yet, I hesitate to begin, for the floodgates may be swamped, the levies may break.

Yet, through it all, I realize that I remain. I... am... still. In brief, I hold 20 business cards in my hands, booty of the socials. I have page after page of notes, and ideas, questions, and answers. Page after page is filled as well with names and emails to contact.

I learned a lot this week, about my hopes and fears, about my own assumptions and desires. Hard, hard stuff. But exciting, really fucking exciting. I am changed, at least changed from what I have been these past few years.

Paul keeps asking me: what do you need to let go of? He has been dissatisfied with my earlier response: the past. Perhaps, to him, that seems a cop-out, too brief an answer. But I know that it is the pith. Sometimes, we need not elaborate. Occam's Razor, simplicity itself. The past, in so many ways. I haven't spoken to him since last Tuesday either, not a word, not an email.

I am still sorting and sifting. I leave for Europe on Monday. I will over the next few days attempt to divulge different aspects of my experience, my thinking, my planning. I hope I will have some access while abroad, but I can't promise.

One thing I realized this week, regained really, is my passion, my enthusiasm, my excitement. I have had trouble these past few days catching my breath. I have had the sense of being on the edge, the cusp, standing at the edge of a mountain, thin, cool air filling my lungs, as I gasp for the exquisiteness of the scenery before me.

I think of Alexander Hamilton, who, it was said changed the course of his life, through a single letter that he wrote; a letter filled with wonder and amazement at the force and grace of nature, observed in the gale and rain of a storm in his native West Indies. The letter was read by a couple businessmen, who were inspired by the passion of the fatherless youth (not exactly fatherless, but raised in his father's absence--indeed the letter I believe was written to his father) to sponsor his passage to America.

I have remembered that passion lies at my heart, that I thrill at the feeling, I light at the slightest graze of the flint, it is for me sustenance enough. I have not felt this passion for so long, being swallowed up in self-pity, in disgust, in resentment, stifled by the worst of academia, rather than liberated by its best. I have not wasted these past seven years. But it has taken me long wandering in the woods to find the path that lies before me. I still know not where it leads, but the path beckons my step, growing ever more clear as the fog in my eyes begins to lift.

Embarking on a Journey

I've got a coaching at 10:00. I'll piddle around my office for a couple hours, then head home for lunch. I'll head to the airport around 3:00 or so, then fly to [Industry Conference] this evening. Tomorrow the event begins in the morning. I've got a half hour meeting in the afternoon with this big shot in the field I'm hoping to enter. On Thursday, I head to [Big Western Private] for a coffee meeting with Larry Strope. Hopefully I'll have more meetings and informals with people at [Industry Conference], and hopefully I'll learn a great deal more about just what sorts of work is going on, where my research might fit in, what prospects and opportunities there might be for me.

I fly home on Friday, then off to Europe for 5 days for a [Field 2] conference next Monday. Busy busy. I'm enjoying the work. I'm hoping hoping hoping that I can find a way to just do this work. I've spent so much time and energy simply applying for jobs. That's the real shame. I've spent more of myself on looking for work and less on doing the work I wish to do.

Things are happening now, though. Things are changing. The Rocket Scientist and I are beginning to steer again, beginning to dream together again. She's all over the place with figuring out what she wants. But that's good. Upheaval. One moment she thinks she just wants to stay home with the boys for a few years. Then she wonders. It's time for her to start dreaming again too, to start designing her own life, our lives together.

Wish me luck with all this traveling. I should be able to check in a bit on the blog at least this week. I don't know about Europe.

Sometimes I get the feeling...

Our au pair often muses that I have chosen a field in which there are no jobs to be had, that I have self-selected myself out of a career. Nonsense, I'd like to say. I have merely chosen to follow a path that is true to myself. Yes, it is a difficult one. Perhaps I like the challenge. But mostly, we make choices at each juncture, seek to remedy the false steps of the last, and look toward the next.

I sent a brief "checking in" note a couple days ago to Joe Krowicki at [Lake View U.] As you may recall, the position that had looked promising for me was transformed by their dean into something much less appealing (to both me and him):

Hi Joe,

I just thought I'd drop you a line to let you know what I'm up to. I have very much enjoyed our interactions over the past few years, and value your friendship. While I have not yet given up all hope for landing a faculty post, I've grown weary of the wait. About a month ago, I began working with a career coach, to give my career a jumpstart. I've been looking into some of the research going on in [practical application], in particular [some details]. I'll be attending an industry conference [Name & Location] next week, where I'll be meeting with [Corporate Giant] CTO & Strategist for [Applied Research field], among other people. Who knows if this new path will prove more fruitful than my academic job search. But I'm tired of waiting for something to happen in that vein.

I hope you are well, and surviving the task of hiring new colleagues at [Lake View U.]. Let me know how things are going on your end.

Best regards,
Articulate

Here was Joe's reply:

Articulate,

Thanks for the update. The [Corporate Giant] connection sounds very exciting, and I hope you'll let me know what that conference was like. Here in the frozen heartland we are almost halfway done with the "regular-old-theory" search. The last person comes through in a couple weeks. I go off to Europe a week later, mostly to do some archival digging, but also to give two lectures and to participate in a job search (me as a candidate) in [country].

So, lots happening. Please stay in touch,
Joe

Sometimes I get the feeling that my au pair may just be right, at least when it comes to academia. Bear in mind, [Lake View U.] was perhaps the last best bastion of [true subdiscipline] in the U.S. Because it is an interdisciplinary field, there is in fact greater activity involving it in other fields than [Field 1]. But within [Field 1] there were essentially three programs in The States. The first school has one remaining faculty member who is well-established in [true subdiscipline]. A second school which was developing a PhD program in it, lost the senior faculty member who was behind it to another school, where his "distinguished" endowed post permits him to concentrate on his own research, but has not prompted him to establish a new graduate program. The last of these three was [Lake View U.] where the two remaining faculty in [true subdiscipline] may soon be dropping to one, with no indication of any desire to raise that number. [SIGH].

As Joe put it: "not yet dead... but on life support."

Academic mooch

Well, not really. I suppose those who have positions mostly have funding for attending conferences at which they will be delegates. This morning, I sent off two emails to the organizers of the two upcoming conferences in May & June, at which I've had papers accepted, and which I would be delighted to attend, but which might likely set us back quite a bit, perhaps more than we'd be willing to shell out. I had received an email from the organizers of the May conference a few days ago indicating that one of the society sponsors was offering a "bursary" to student, retired, and unwaged participants, and would I be eligible and interested in receiving such support. Uh... yes!

The second email was to the organizers of the June conference, in response to their official notice the committee has made their final decisions and set the conference schedule and would you please confirm your attendance by the end of February. As you may recall, I had been invited to participate in that conference prior to the announcement of their call for papers. The organizer had enthusiastically received my abstract submission. Finally, he indicated his hope to include me as part of a "keynote panel" and that he was seeking funds to support my attendance and participation.

I suppose if I were a more established scholar, I might expect conferences to invite me, and to pay my way. But it's not really something I am accustomed to.

Upheaval, part two

I'm feeling a bit odd these days. It's like I've planned a big trip, but I'm still tying up loose ends, haven't started packing. Have you ever had a big trip coming up, but it's still a while off? The excitement grips you immediately once the decision is made; but then the time elapses, other things distract you, and somehow the big trip becomes just another thing you expect to take place.

I'm not dismissing the changes that have been going on my career thinking. I'm just... nervous, uncertain... and mostly, just waiting. I fly to [Industry Conference] next Tuesday night, returning on Friday night. I fly to Europe for a [Field 2] conference that Monday following.

Yesterday I went to the campus of a local community college. I've been thinking of enrolling in a Statistics class and a C++ programming class. Little cogs. Both require prerequisites, which I'm assuming I could get waived, but that requires a face to face meeting with the Dean of Counseling, and on... Part of the "and on" is that I'll be gone the first two weeks of the term, due to my conference trips. Nonetheless, I purchased the textbooks from their bookstore, figuring: 1) I could return them; 2) I could work through them on my own. This latter option is something I have often contemplated, but never done. I have several textbooks on my shelves whose content I'd like to have mastered, but never found the time or motivation to work through. What would make this different? Well, for one the content of these texts is not simply something I'd like to know something about, but perhaps something that will help me get a job I'd be happy with. We'll see.

I'm also feeling a bit of the weight of my financial burden to the family. To add to this sense, I misplaced my wedding band over the weekend. I take my rings off (I've got a silver "engagement ring" on my right hand, designed and commissioned, as a matching set, by the Rocket Scientist and me before we were married) on very rare occasions. The cause this time was that I was making bagels for our out-of-town guests. (My wife's aunts and paternal grandmother flew in for a weekend visit, which was nice). I put them in my pocket, where I normally keep my keys, but forgot they were there.

The wedding ring must have dropped one time when I took out my keys... but it's not shown up at home or my office. I even called some pawn shops, thinking if someone found it, they might have hawked it. No luck so far. I emailed the shop where we bought the rings a decade ago, and they have a record of the style number, and the price is surprisingly about the same as it was then. I'll wait another week or so to see if it shows up. It's just another expense. One after the other.

We're doing alright, but we've begun tapping our non-retirement savings. The wedding ring. The computer. The office. The coaching. The trips to conferences, and registration fees. It's all an investment, right? But when will it end?

Shifting Gears

Last week, I signed up for email alerts from [Corporate Giant] regarding job postings in [Applied Research Field]. Friday, I got a posting for a Research Staff position in Appleton Hills. I wondered whether this posting had anything to do with my flurry of emails to them this past week. Probably not, but it's nice to think of myself having some impact on the field. I say probably not, because they're looking for someone with requisite programming skills, which I think was clear I don't have. But the fact that there is a newly advertised position, doing seemingly what I wish to be doing, which specifies particular skills, gives me some focus. Okay, so now I've begun a want list of skills to acquire. This is exactly what I want!

One of the biggest frustrations in the academic job search is the sense that there is no checklist to follow, no specifics. Everyone who has looked at my CV says it's impressive, that there's really nothing missing (except substantial recent teaching experience). And yet, two+ years of applying, over 100 applications sent, a handful of interviews, and nothing; not only no job, but virtually no feedback. What's missing? What do I need? Okay, teaching fine... I keep looking for adjunct work. But what?

So now... as I begin to openly focus more on the research, possibly moving away from academia toward applied research, it's good to have a sense of specifics. I need to learn more about statistics, good. I need to acquire more recent knowledge of programming and coding, good. I can do that. Learning? Come on now! This is what I'm made for. I've got the questions, the problems. I've got the mind to attack them, to turn them over, to look at them in unusual ways, to break them down, to combine them. That's what you can't teach. Now... now, I can begin to see the particular tools others may expect me to use in the process. Okay.

I begin to get excited about the prospects. I wish to focus my efforts not on getting a job at the moment, but on understanding the field, what it's done, what it's doing, what remains. I've got my sense that de Waal is right, and also that I represent a different set of glasses, a different configuration of lenses through which to filter these problems. Some in [applied research field] may think that all they need are electrical engineers and computer scientists, but they're wrong. If they were right, the problems would have all been solved by now. I am confident that I can contribute to this field of research. No doubt. The trick is then to find the place, and the means to convince them it's worth taking a chance on me. It's the work that I need to think about, not the job.

I wrote to Larry Strope at [Big West Private University]:

Hi Larry,
I'm going to be flying to your area to attend [Industry conference] in a couple weeks. If you're around and could spare time for lunch or coffee, I'd be pleased for the opportunity. I don't know where things stand with [Research Center] search, but I'll do whatever I can to avoid any conflicts of interest for you.
Best,
Articulate

Hi,
Sure thing. The 22nd at noon for some coffee? We remain frustratingly obscure about searches at the present stage, sorry.
Yours,
Larry

On Friday, I also wrote a follow up to the head honcho in [Applied Research Area] at [Corporate Giant], whom I had emailed last Monday as my first contact to the field, but who had not yet responded.

Dear Danesh,
Your name came up again, as someone to contact, this time in conversation with Frank Mayer. I'm planning to be at [Industry conference] in a couple weeks. If you will be in attendance, I'd be pleased for the chance to meet you and talk a little bit.
Articulate

Articulate,
I will be attending [Industry Conference].

Kim,
Would you please make sure that Articulate and I have a 30 min meeting.

Thanks,
Danesh

Danesh Nikahang
[Applied research field] CTO & Strategist
[Corporate Giant] Research

Listen, and talk. I've got some meetings now. I think February will prove to be a good month.

Enjoy

I've got a conference presentation in Europe in about three weeks. There are two more conferences I've had papers accepted to, coming up in May and June, though I haven't committed to attending those yet. I have a publisher waiting for fuller chapter summaries for my dissertation-to-book proposal, should I choose to respond. I have faculty job applications out, and perhaps a few more I could work up and send off, if I desire.

The strings that tie me are slack. In a way, the world is open to me. We have no mortgage. We own our vehicles. The only debt we have is what remains of our student loans. We've got enough money invested to pay them off as soon as we like (but our returns beat the interest rate, so we've kept the loans for now).

There is a part of me that wants to sell everything, my books first! A part of me that wants to run to the nearest exit. I don't need any of this. I really don't. That, I know. I just haven't quite gotten to the point where I don't want it. There's the clincher.

But I could, assuming my family is with me, just... go! Buy a boat, and float away. Not a terribly big boat, mind you. We haven't that much money. But... we could run away for a few months, maybe a year. Just disappear in Europe, or Africa, New Zealand, Thailand.

I want... I want a little pleasure. I want to shed this robe of torture that holds me, this hair shirt of my penance, for god-knows-what transgression. Just go!

I want to enter a place of peace, satisfaction, enjoyment. A nice fantasy it is. I look at the posters now adorning my office walls, sailing yachts, sea and sky. I breathe in. Breathe out

I think of the thin volume sitting on my table here, given me by my mother, wishing me all the best. Peace is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life, by Thich Nhat Hanh. I read a page or two every now and again.

Let go! Breathe in. Breathe out. Water, ocean, wind, sails. I shudder.

Back and heading... ?

Sometimes when I take a few days away from the blog, I have nothing to say. Other times, like now, I have too much to say.

The conference was good, but different; different from the SOD conference in November. As my wife put it, there weren't so many ups and downs for me. I guess it's largely because I expect to feel like an outsider in [Field 2], although I was a welcomed outsider. At the SOD conferences I feel like an outsider within my home discipline, the field in which I trained for three degrees, like an returned exile, in spirit neither home nor away.

There was a memorial service for one of the three deaths I mentioned in November. It was quite touching. Remarkable the impact one scholar could have on a field and so many colleagues, young and old. I had lunch the following day with his widow, also a distinguished scholar in the field. She was unreserved in her "unsolicited advice," which I was most eager to accept. Her warmth was one of the main factors in my feeling of being a welcomed outsider.

The one time I met her husband in person was in her office about a year ago, when I gave an invited lecture to their department. It is a memory that will always stay with me. I have a feeling (and a hope) that she will continue to take an interest in my career path and research, and that she will continue to proffer "unsolicited advice" whenever possible.

What I have to take with me now, as I move ahead, is a sense that I really am on a path, even if it veers from the typical course for a scholar. There is a place for my work, though I recognize a need to focus more, to find my niche, to settle in it.

I'm still overwhelmed a bit by the flurry of thoughts that assault me. Today... I am 39. Who knows where I will be when I turn 40.

... I just have to say, right at this moment, before clicking "publish" the Painter called me on the telephone to sing me "Happy Birthday." Tears of joy flush my face. I am happy!

Quiet applause?

At the end of September, I posted the initial response from my inquiry to an acquisitions editor regarding some academic book proposals I had, beginning with a transformation of my dissertation into a book. At the [Field 1] conference last November, I met with three acquisitions editors, including the one I had written to. Her press is the smaller of the three, and so far as I know has no representation in [Field 2], whereas the others are large, well-established, respected, and both have strong lists in both [Field 1] and [Field 2].

However, I had been approached by this acquisition editor's predecessor at a conference in Belgium back in 2002, when I had organized a panel (the one with the same focus as the upcoming conference I've recently written about), indicating an interest in covering off-the-beaten-path areas of [Field 1], which appeals to me. In addition, they have recently added a new series which is right up my alley, further supporting that supposition. I chose to send her an exclusive proposal for the dissertation-to-book project, which is as one might suspect a far more circumscribed effort than some of the future projects, being derived from my dissertation. I was frank in my comments to her which accompanied the proposal, noting my interest and activity in [Field 2], and suggesting that some of my future work might better be suited for the other two presses, while also mentioning an interest in the new series. Here is what today's inbox brought:

Dear Articulate,

I have now had a chance to read through your book proposal. I am interested by what I've read and I'd now like to move on to arranging some external reviews. Before I do, I was just wondering if you had any further sample material available from the book itself?

Thanks,

Inge

-----------------------------------------------
Inge Fleur
Senior Commissioning Editor
[Publishing House]

Projects. Work. Staying busy.

Cutting it close

Tonight around 11:00, I'll pick up our au pair from the airport. She's been gone nearly three weeks, visiting a friend's family in South America. Tomorrow ends my latest stint as full-time dad. (Each time I seem to get worse as I seem to get better. Ah well, I do the best I can.)

Tomorrow, the main [Field 2] conference begins. Fortunately, like the recent [Field 1] conference I attended, it is within commuting distance. I'll need to renew my membership, then register as an "unemployed member". (Ah, the indignity of it... but at least the society's open recognition of that status makes me feel in good company).

Maybe I am all that

Email today from Bidar Aharon, organizer of this conference in the Spring I've mentioned before. In September he contacted me requesting that I prepare a paper and provide some suggestions for others to invite. I was flattered, and wrote him back. I mentioned back then that I understood the difference between "a paper please!" and "we'll pay all your expenses". In corresponding with him, I indicated that I was currently "without papers" so to speak, and would appreciate any support they might offer me, to assist my coming.

A few weeks ago, I was taken aback by his immediate and enthusiastic response to my abstract submittal. Today's email brought the following message from Bidar:

Dear Articulate

I'm trying to procure some funds for you, and some others from the States, and what I'm going to do is apply to [Funding Source] for you and the others to do a kind of keynote panel. We'll see if it works... What I need from you is a cost for travel, and any other expenses.

Wow! Um, yeah, sure. It's nice to be treated like this, even if it's all tentative at the moment. I'm simply unused to being courted like this. I think of Bright Star's recent comments about being courted for a faculty post. Who knows? Maybe that's next.