A dangerous and destructive legacy

So what will we leave behind?

Years ago, a cousin of mine, PhD in Economics, presented the theory that the aim of the neo-cons in Washington was to bankrupt the U.S. government, thus destroying its abilities to support domestic programs, while enriching the military-industrial complex.

Destroyer in Chief yesterday announced his plans to vociferously argue for a shift in priorities for the U.S. budget, austerity at home, and billions upon billions of dollars for war. Defense spending they call it. It's not defense (though certainly some of it may be). Let's call it what it is: "military expenditures".

And what is the response from those we intend to fight? The Taliban promise a surge of their own, a spring offensive of suicide bombings in Afghanistan. And what of Iraq? A U.S. general on the ground warns that their last ditch effort to secure Bagdhad with American human sandbags will take time. Indeed!

Such a legacy to leave behind. Endless War with a Hydra, now that is pure genius! I've learned in raising my children that it's important to connect the correcting behaviors I engage in with an intended end result. Merely bashing at loggerheads results in continued escalation with no end in sight. What is our intention in fighting in Afghanistan and Iraq? Because unless we know that, we have no way of heading towards it.

Put another way, you can't defeat hatred and violence if what you have to offer in return is only more hatred and violence. It's like fighting yeast with sugar, or drought with salt.

I do not defend the fanatics who would encourage suicide bombings, or worse engage in them. They are barbarians. No way to slice it that makes killing one's own, and killing others a prosperous enterprise. But what are we offering in return?

Why not redeploy our U.S. combat troops in Iraq mostly to secure the borders. No one in or out of Iraq, until the violence, the daily suicide bombings, the utter destruction, subsides. Because, while Iraq may continue in unabated chaos, the greater fear at the moment is that a rapid withdrawal by the U.S. would result in a far more effective breeding ground for exporting terrorists around the world. Why not also put our full commitment behind infrastructure building. Isn't that why we have an Army Corps of Engineers? $100 billion more? For what. Damn it, there are ways to spend money that actually bring positive results.

The issue is this: the lack of foresight and planning on the part of the Bush administration in entering Iraq, overthrowing the government, with considering any of the previous work that had studied the likely consequences, and preparing for what might follow, has resulted in unprecedented chaos. But the past is the past. It's the future that we must create. We can not simply exit, because we are in large part responsible for the mess. It may not in fact be truly salvageable at this point. We need to face that. But we need to do what we can to work toward an end result. Where are we heading?

Could this be the winds of change?

I let the deadlines slide. You may recall my new coach requested a laundry list of responses from me on short deadlines that I simply couldn't keep. I had hoped to get him something by last night, but as you might imagine from my last post, I was in no mood to do anything entailing thought at the point I arrived home. In fact, all I could muster was to grab a beer from the fridge and sit... That felt good enough after a while to join my family for dinner. My wife cooked.

I sent Paul a note this morning that I'd get him responses tonight... and I will. As you will see, I've got something to discuss.

On the drive to my language class yesterday, I pulled out one of my audio recorders set it for dictate and had a go at answering one of Paul's questions:

Send me a list of any type of paying work you are willing to pursue while you pursue your career in academia before we talk on Monday.

You know, a little question like that. Any type of work. What would I do? I started to speak. Must confess, the process of thinking out loud into a recorder seems so much more unnatural to me than sitting at the keyboard (or a notebook) and writing. Funny that, isn't it? Writing is rather not the earlier evolutionary development. But then, there is the question of thought. Do we think in speech? Surely not. But that's another point entirely.

What would I do? On the intake survey, he asked:

If you could wave a magic wand and create the perfect situation for yourself as a professional and as a person, what would it look like?

To which I replied:

I would have great freedom in my choice of direction, which projects to move ahead on. I would be involved in efforts to advance our understanding of human behavior, and toward making the world a better place. I would be surrounded by intelligent and engaged colleagues, who could be called up for their expertise, to answer my questions, or to collaborate with on projects. And I would likewise be called up to assist them with my own expertise. I would have sufficient funding and stability that I wouldn't fear to attempt longer term projects that might exhibit a degree of risk of failure, but nonetheless promised a great deal in terms of payoff to society.

As I sat in the car, assaulting my recorder with hesitating words um... uh.... I thought about some of the grants I had been so long ago thinking of applying for. There was also an NPR mention of a relatively new program of one of their major sponsoring foundations. When I recovered from the commute, I did a little web (and hard drive) searching.

In the midst of searching, I came across a brief article (a press release of sorts) on the website of a large, well-established corporate giant, dealing with an ongoing research program that meshed almost exactly with an idea I have for practical applications in the world of the research that most excites me.

There are roughly 100 [Corporation Name] [Field] researchers worldwide.

My best guess is there are somewhere between 300 and 3000 workers worldwide in this area of research inside and outside of said corporation, not likely more. Could I join their ranks? I want to make a difference. I want to do exciting, interesting work. I want to be able to sit at a dinner party and unabashedly discuss what I do for work, with a sparkle in my eye, and welcome their inevitable wows and that's fascinatings.

I think of my dear friend Tracy's recent reflections on being a college professor:

Perhaps it should worry me that none of the things I really love to do have anything to do with academia, but it honestly doesn't. The world of academia is the world of my job -- what I do to earn an honest living. My passion is not there. My passion is here. And I suppose that's OK.

Indeed, it is. I think my wife is a lot like Tracy. She's got an honest job, which she is good at, but about which she isn't passionate. It is also OK that I want to be passionate about my work. I don't want it to take away from my family (which I confess my current obsession with not having such work probably does), but as my wife recently reflected in response to a relayed inquiry from my coach:

Now, your ideas and dreams are extremely valuable. They are what make you the man I fell in love with, they are what make you Articulate. I love to share your ideas and dreams with you.

I am not one who compartmentalizes well. I am who I am; I wear my heart on my sleeves. And frankly, those who like me must like me that way.

So, I sat looking at this article/press release, and started dreaming about getting a job at their research site. Convergences. That's what I often seek in life, like signposts pointing me in a particular direction. The research campus for this work is in a region I have often considered ideal. There's good prospects for the Rocket Scientist to work about 20 or 30 miles away.

Okay, slow down. That's what I tell myself. Look before you leap, because I'm a leaper. We'll see. But I have discovered that, despite my ignorance, there is a name for the work, a field (more in corporate research than in academia), and a possible direction for me to head, one which seems to promise all those things I seek. The big fear I have now is that it might require more training for me to become marketable in the field. But we'll see. If I could get even a low-level job in the field with benefits for additional training...

Commute the commute

Yesterday, returning home from my language class, I spent 30 minutes driving the distance from campus to the highway on-ramp. Yes, really. We're talking about 1-2 miles tops! As I sat in traffic (wishing I had Ianqui beside me to snap a photo, because I just know she would have loved it), a fellow jogged by, with a simple yellow t-shirt, the bold letters clearly custom made on the cheap:

I HATE CARS

was all it read. At that moment, I wanted to abandon my vehicle, chase him down and hug him. I hated cars too.

I listened during the infuriating drive (two and a half hours before I stopped the engine in my driveway), to NPR covering the UN Report on climate change. And I thought to myself just what the hell am I doing here? Granted, I could in fact (most weeks) take public transport, but that would guarantee a minimum of two hours each way, with a transfer to another bus, assuming they keep schedule, which I seriously doubt. Meaning, I could be stranded halfway there. Not like the public transport in the Old World.

Okay, I confess to another thing: I am pretty good in this language, pretty good at understanding what is said to me, pretty good at making myself understood, and pretty good at making sense of what I read... well, with the assistance of a good dictionary and a reference grammar. I'm actually pretty awful when it comes to producing the right grammatical construct. Admittedly, I studied the language for all of 8 weeks, a decade ago at a summer workshop. I've been to the country several times, including 10 months as a Fulbrighter.

This class is for me, not for a requirement, for the instructor, nor for credit; it's for me to improve my skills, period. Point being: the commute, to sit through an hour and a half of hand-holding and impatience, simply doesn't sit well with me. Of course, I've paid for the class, so I suppose I can propose that we communicate via email re: my independent project (which is actually relevant to my dissertation-to-book project). Whatever, I don't think I can sit through that traffic again, knowing that I'd rather be spending Friday evening having a relaxing dinner with my family, contributing less to global warming and pollution. I am working nearly every day with the language, so I expect that my skills will necessarily improve.

I think this might be for the best.

Overwhelm

Apparently, I made a mistake in reporting that deadlines are useful for me. Yesterday afternoon, as I prepared to finish up and head home to be with the boys, I received an email from my coach, with a laundry list of tasks, with deadlines of today and tomorrow. Gaaack! Here is my reply:

Hi Paul,

First off... to clarify, I'm not someone who thrives on deadlines. That said, I find deadlines useful because they may help me prioritize tasks. I say may because sometimes a deadline is simply a break point for when I decide to forego a task rather than fulfill it. That in itself is useful, since it enables me to move on to something else, usually something I'm more committed to, or interested in.

I say these things because my initial reaction to your email yesterday afternoon, as I prepared to leave my office and spend time with the boys, was gut-wrenching. I feel a bit overwhelmed with the quantity of tasks (each one that properly will require energy and time) and the short deadlines you imposed. Partly, this is simply because I do have deadlines that are somewhat immutable at the moment. I'm taking an advanced language class (three hours of commuting on Friday), for which I have both assigned work, as well as an independent translating project, both of which I put on a back burner earlier this week, but which require a good deal of my time and energy today and tomorrow. I also have a conference in three weeks in Europe, for which I'm working up some analyses of data, which require a good deal of time, energy, and concentration.

I appreciate your pushing me, and I welcome your attitude that big changes lead to success. Let me spend a little time on the other tasks, regain my sense of control a bit, then tackle at least some of the tasks you've just given me by the deadlines you've set. I'll do my best to accomplish all of them in time, but I need to get to some other things first. And some of those tasks (like planning a vacation -- actually we have three trips we're planning this year) will require collaboration with my wife (and others whom we might visit), which means her time and energy as well.

This is only a little resistance to your requests, not rejection of them. On the action front, I worked up a flyer yesterday for my [Longitudinal Project], printed out a hundred copies, and distributed about half of them to various places I hope will net me volunteers. Last night, the Rocket Scientist and I talked a bit about priorities and our future. Seems like she is going through a bit of career crisis herself, and needs to talk a lot of this through, which is great, so we can dream and plan together.

/Articulate

--I wonder if all this self-report is useful to any of you, or whether it comes across as a bit too much navel-gazing on my part. Delurk, anyone?

Paying me

In an earlier post, I pasted some of an email to my coach, in which I wrote:

I deserve to have someone pay me for being me. It's simply not fair that the only one "paying me" is my wife, who feels diminished it would seem, from that payment.

He wrote to the first part:

Yes, you do. I’m glad to finally hear you say this.

but went on to add:

Remember our first call. I don’t do the victim thing, nor do I support my clients indulging in victimhood. It is not the world’s fault. Life is not fair. Nor will it ever be. You chose a very difficult career path by going into a field that is very specialized and where jobs are very scarce. Part of our work together is going to be to help you come to terms with that decision by taking full responsibility for the decision and the consequences of the decision. If you did that, how would your life change?

My reply:

Okay. No self-pity. How would my life change? I'd be in charge, at least of me. An old family friend used to recite endlessly the words of William Ernest Henley from his poem "Invictus":

It matters not how straight the gate,
how charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

Okay. I accept the responsibility. The winds may shift, but I'm steering the ship, and what's more, I'm the one who chose to climb aboard.

This is what I'm paying for. I've got work to do on me. At least now, it's being done.

James Robert Orville

The sign read:

Broke
Hungry

A bearded middle-aged man, with sallow eyes, and beady pupils, knit cap on his head, cracked hands, dirty finger nails, stood at the traffic light. I couldn't look at him much. Only a small container of goldfish cracker crumbs lay on the tray-table in the front of our van. Not worth handing over. I prefer not to give money. No telling where it will end up.

The light was red. He stood just feet away. He is a human being, I thought. I rolled down the window, and asked if he'd eat a burger. He was numb, stumblingly incomprehending. I asked again, and said I'd get him a burger and bring it back. He mumbled something about putting a lot of arsenic on it.

I drove on, to Staples to buy some colored printer paper for flyers for my [longitudinal project] (damn it, I'm going to get subjects one way or another!). I looked for Nutrigrain bars at the store. Perhaps something he could store in his pockets would be better. Nothing but candy and pretzels.

I drove to the Jack in the Box, and bought a breakfast sandwich, drove down the block, parked. I grabbed an audio recorder, and the sandwich bag, then walked to the corner. Hey, buddy, buddy... take a break, I brought you a sandwich. He nearly dashed into traffic before I warned of oncoming cars.

He walked, and sat with me on a bus bench. I asked if I could record him. Let's just say that part of my research entails listening to people talk. Why not do a kindness and get some potential research done at the same time. He wasn't so dumbfounded and wary this time. I suppose it's like unexpectedly hearing a language you speak; though you understand the words, you're not sure you heard aright. He replied to my inquiry: I wrote a poem... back in 1992, in a cemetery in Denver. Want to hear it.

I listened, and recorded. Much road noise. Don't know if the recording will give me much. I sat for 14 minutes, watching him shake while he ate. His breath smelled of stale alcohol. But, he was human. A bit worse for the wear, for sure. Didn't learn much about him, not enough to fill out the story of why he went from earning $980/week driving trucks and working on a farm in Iowa to subsisting on 80 cents a day (and I wasn't pan-handling... I'd find it under soda machines and the like).

He said: thanks for the sandwich.

I shook his hand and replied: Everyone deserves to eat, buddy, everyone deserves to eat.

And I meant it.

Make it so

Reuters yesterday reported on hearings before the U.S. Congress.

Two choice citations:

"I think the constitutional scheme does give Congress broad authority to terminate a war," said Bradford Berenson, a Washington lawyer who was a White House associate counsel under Bush from 2001 to 2003.

"It is ultimately Congress that decides the size, scope and duration of the use of military force," said Walter Dellinger, former acting solicitor general -- the government's chief advocate before the Supreme Court -- in 1996-97, and an assistant attorney general three years before that.

Ted Koppel's opinion piece on NPR this morning calls into question the honesty on both sides of the debate. Perhaps, as he intimates the world (or more precisely, "the oil-rich Persian Gulf" in Koppel's words) is a more dangerous place today than it was before our invasion, and perhaps a hasty retreat would not in the end change that fact. But time moves in one direction. The question is not what we might or should have done, but what to do from now. I am neither in a position to affect nor know that proper course, but elected officials are.

On the one hand, I'd like to see the decision-making ripped unceremoniously from the administration, yet that would create a dangerous precedent. In real times of crisis, decisions need to be made rapidly and clearly, rather than by committee. That is the role of our President. Yet, this one? I don't trust him. I don't respect him. I feel the world is today a far worse place than the one it was when he took office, and in large part because of his disastrous decisions. Perhaps the best thing would be to impeach him if cause enough could be found (but first Dick Cheney, who's arguably far more dangerous as a leader)... but is that really practicable? Would it really solve anything today and tomorrow? Would it possibly set yet another bad precedent, and perhaps worse enmire this nation into wasted effort, which better could be spent on positive action?

These dilemmae, sad to say, are the result of democracy. Conspiracy theories of stolen elections aside, I credit the majority of the American voting public with failure, in electing (or at least re-electing) this awful team of morons to lead our nation and the world into the maelstrom.

So, I say to the congress, take the reins as best you can, not precipitously, nor callously, nor carelessly. But take the reins out of the hands of those who steer our cart, and find a direction that works. You have been entrusted with great power. Use it, wisely and good.

Conflict

Paul,

Productive session I think. I think we need to work more on figuring out a plan, goals, direction. I get the sense that you have an idea that our aim is "action," that perhaps this is one key element that is missing my current behavior. I think we need to work through that a bit, so we both understand what each other is expecting on that count.

In part it comes down to the question of "patience" again. I never expected this job search to wind up dragging on like this. I don't understand it. I'm not sure whether to keep at it, or to pursue something alternate (or to try doing both together). Okay, those are perhaps "circumstances" rather than the "person." I need to figure out my aims and goals, my own direction. I need to be clear with myself, with you, and with my wife, on what the plan is, what deadlines and measures might be useful. Just to be clear, from what I hear, it is not uncommon for a PhD seeking an academic career to wallow in uncertainty for years. Some work as adjuncts (teaching part-time) for as many as seven years before landing a permanent job. Others, who knows how many, simply fade away from the academic path. Of course, there are many others who move smoothly from graduate school to faculty post, without a hitch.

It's been frustrating for me, that I haven't yet even landed any adjuncting, which would at least be on the path, would give me some validation, would encourage me that a faculty job is forthcoming. That said, there is a good possibility that I may be invited to adjunct at Lemon University, for next fall, where I gave a guest lecture a couple months ago. That's the time frame of these things, job applications are submitted often months before an interview, a year before a start date. The same for many conference presentations. The results of effort are a long time in coming.

In pursuing research, it could be years before a usable application could emerge. There's where patience comes in. However, "why bother" is also foremost. In part, I believe that I don't have a job and a paycheck, because I haven't needed to. This has freed me to pursue a longer term horizon, a 3-5 year goal, rather than an immediate one. Yet there is fear in the uncertainty of that path. If I knew doing X, Y, and Z would ensure me a job in 2 years, I could simply do them. But I simply don't know, and so, I'm afraid that at the end of it all, I will still be where I am today.

Could I get a job if I needed it? Sure, I think so. But there is a little fear that says maybe not. I've applied for other jobs beside a faculty post, some university staff positions, even a sales job for a textbook publisher. The failure to even be interviewed for those positions has hurt as well. Maybe I'm not good enough for them. Of course, intellectually, I don't believe that. In both cases, I applied for the position because I was convinced I could do a great job. Perhaps I haven't been motivated to do what it would take to land one of those jobs. Maybe they look at me, and think, "he doesn't want this job, look at his resume, he'd rather be doing something else." But where do I really want to be, and doing what? That's a question I can't fully answer yet.

Added to this is some uncertainty on the Rocket Scientist's part. She supports me, yet I often feel the sense that she lacks confidence in my ability to succeed. Why should she believe another few months, or another year will change things? Two years I've been applying. I've had a few interviews, but no offers. She picks up the phone, a week later has an interview, two weeks later an offer for twice what I might earn as a junior professor. Even off the faculty track, she seems unconvinced that my dreams of commercial applications are anything more than Articulate's pie-in-the-sky dreaming. It's subtle, but I sense it. It's honest though, she's not candy-coating her thoughts for me. Can I blame her, my ideas are a dime a dozen. But they sit on my imaginary shelves, lined up in sealed cans, like a butterfly collection, pining for air. It's as if she's saying (despite herself), show me more than your dreams, show me the money. But it's not a simple thing. Money's not that important to her either.

But she's discovered how easy it is for her to earn a good wage. She reflected last night: "Do I begin to value money more, the more I earn it?" We've realized that she, and we together, need to work through some of our priorities, our goals for the future, our dreams, our hopes. I think of Thomas Paine: "...that which we obtain too cheaply, we esteem too lightly." It's a conflict for us right now, for she obtains career success and income quite easily, so it's esteemed poorly. On the other hand, the two evade me. "What's wrong with him, that he can't make it?" She's never said that. I don't know if she's thought it. Certainly I have. "What's wrong with me, that I can't make it? What good are all my passions and dreams if I can't measure them?" And how do we measure our value in society, but by our ability to earn income?

No, I am not my money. I am not my career. But then, how do I measure success? I have obtained great success in being married to a wonderful woman, in having two marvelous boys, in cooking fabulous meals, in gardening. But I want success in my career. I want to be able to hold my head up and say "the PhD was simply a byway," my life didn't end there. Damn it, I deserve it. Paul, you wanted me to catch myself being shallow and a snob. Well, here it is. Damn it, I deserve it. I deserve to have someone pay me for being me. It's simply not fair that the only one "paying me" is my wife, who feels diminished it would seem, from that payment.

But, if we really have most of what we want in life, perhaps it's okay to be happy, to let ourselves revel in that happiness. Okay, there's the contradiction. Can I be happy, while I'm still striving? Can I find contentment while I still feel something is lacking in my life, and also find the strength to aggressively pursue it?

So there you have it, Paul. I'm not going to make this easy for you. But I'll do my best not to allow myself to be the hindrance to my own success.

/Articulate

Articulate,

Your honesty and willingness to do the work are making it very easy for me. Let me digest it tonight and we'll either trade some e-mails tomorrow or talk on the phone in the next day or two.

Best,

PB

Power

Baited breath. I suppose many of you are tasting the worms of such bait, awaiting my commentary on yesterday's coaching. It's intense to spend two hours face to face, one on one, discussing oneself, one's life, one's meaning, one's goals, one's dreams, one's hopes. It's raw, and it's naked.

Overall, I think the initial session was productive. Some of the things I got out of it were a sense that it's okay to be where I am. It doesn't change it, at least not yet. And there are conflicts which remain, that I'll be talking about here a bit as time goes one.

I made a recording of the session, which I've been listening through this morning. The first thing that came up through the method of process coaching, which is a sort of updated ego-stripping, with the aim of breaking down one's defenses, (as Paul put it) to dig down to the lie that you're telling yourself:

you got a little lie made up for yourself
which is that
from over here is hysterical
[laugh] for a guy like you to say
I don't have any power man
[laugh] I can't
I don't have any power over that
you're a person of immense power, okay
but you got a little gremlin back here
saying, you don't have power, okay,
and the confusion is between power in here
and power out in the world

I think of Francois Villon:

Je suis Françoise dont il me poise
ne de Paris empres Pontoys
et de la corde d'un toise
saura mon col que mon cul poise

A man, condemned to be hanged. What more can you take from one than their life? Yet, in the face of it, he did not shirk, but with humor faced it, unwilling to relinquish his own power over self. There are things indeed about which we have no control. It is in finding the strength to harness our inner power, without concerning ourselves too much with those outer forces we can do nothing about, that our task is to be had.

Tomorrow, my coaching begins

I'm a bit nervous or apprehensive. I suppose that is a good thing. Tomorrow may likely prove to be a signal day for me, a punctum saliens of sorts. 10:00 am my coach will arrive, a guest in my office, ready to goad me and guide me. Will I be ready?

The past few days of self-reflection have been difficult. I posted a few days ago some supplemental questions that Paul volleyed at me. Tonight I sent him my replies:

To follow up on your supplemental questions:

What is your assessment of the job search that you've been engaged in over the last couple of years? What did you learn about YOU?

My assessment of the job search is that I am playing a game of which I only vaguely understand the rules. I learned that being driven to new sorts of research can be a liability, when the departments I'm seeking to hire me are conservative in their outlook on the field. I learned that the statistics do apply to me, despite my self-confidence, which has suffered these past two years. I also learned that I am not driven to be a professor "at all costs," to wear a shirt that doesn't fit me, in order to appear closer to what they are seeking; that I am motivated as ever to blaze my own trail, even if it limits my career choices, because my commitment to that path is at times at odds with hiring committees' motivations in seeking a new hire.

If you could do it over again, what would you do differently?

I might rethink what field it is I choose to pursue a PhD. Yet, I realize, I am most comfortable in the space between disciplines, and that I might likely not "fit" much better in another field. I might simply plan an alternate path, without regard to a career in academia. I returned to school, because I wanted to gain the experience of doing serious research and writing. I've done that, but I might have spent more time at the beginning thinking about practical applications of my research interests.

If you were to write a song about the state of your career right now, what would you call it?

Know your audience before the curtain rises.

Where do you give your power away and when do you tend to do it?

I have given my power away each time I send an application to a search committee, when I seek to see myself wearing the job description they have drafted. In seeking their acceptance and approval, I devalue my own vision. In feeling rejected at my lack of a job offer, I give them power to override my determination of self-worth.

Where do you hold back in life?

Pursuing options that seem self-indulgent, or motivated by profit. There is a part of me, that trusts me, that believes that I would not waste the opportunity to do good if I had more means to do it, and a part of me that feels I deserve more. In the end, I've become convinced that people like Bill Gates and Warren Buffet, though seemingly motivated by profit, will have far more impact for good than I can reasonably expect of myself. And I wonder if a bit more profit-seeking isn't appropriate. Yet, I fear the self that seeks profit; I fear that that goal would consume me.

Latest from Lemon

I've been keeping up an occasional correspondence with my friend Sara Chaisano at Lemon University. After many years of trying, she and husband are now parents. So, she's a bit overwhelmed with all the details. Fortunately, she recently received tenure, so a large burden has been lifted, as she steps into this entirely new territory.

Lemon is a medium-sized liberal arts college. She is the only full-timer in [subfield 1] in the department, which seems to serve mostly a service status there. As you may recall, after my guest lecture for her class, she was excited to try and bring me aboard as an adjunct, especially as they've had somewhat less than stellar results from having a visiting [subfield 2er] teach the intro courses. There is also a good possibility that she will be taking a sabbatical at least part of next year, meaning her courses would need covering as well.

Here is what she wrote today:

Hi Articulate,

Things are still overwhelming, but good. No time for anything! I did talk to my [subfield 2] colleagues and they both agree that you'd be great to have to teach [intro to Field 1] and to teach the [interdisciplinary Field 1] class, so we talked to the dean and he was interested, but he said he didn't have the money to hire another part-timer this term and we could probably do it for next academic year. Don't know if that's true, probably could hire someone this term, but he doesn't want to for some reason. So I'll let you know........

Hope you and your family are all well!
Sara

I also sent out a couple emails yesterday following up on possibilities to adjunct at other local schools. They were places I contacted early in the fall, when we were about to move to Rocket City. One school wrote back right away that there were no immediate openings, but that there is often a need in [Field 1/subfield 1], so they'd let me know.

Share and share alike

One of the things that my career coach asks for is total honesty. Fair enough. But do I tell him about my blog? In many ways, I feel this has been a therapeutic outlet for me, one which might be subsumed in my coaching relationship were I to edit myself, knowing he might be reading. For one, I have so few friends at the moment in my real life. Partly it's circumstance. We've moved a lot. Partly, it's the realities of being a parent: who has time? Partly, it's my self-induced seclusion, as I have at times avoided being around anyone to whom I might have to explain myself, my present state. That's something I need to work through, something I've begun working on. We've had friends over for dinner. We're trying to do that more. I love to cook, and share good food and wine with those whose company I enjoy.

But you, my readers, have become my friends. I share myself here, unadorned, though admittedly somewhat revised, edited, honed. I feel it may prove useful for me, and likely for many of you, if I shared some of the experience of coaching. There is a small ethical question: by sharing these things with you, am I stealing his ideas, his questions? I think it's a gray area. To be honest, if I gain from my interactions with him, they are things I would take with me in life, to use as I interact with or advise friends. So, for now, I will withhold the URL, and share with you the journey.

So, here is the first installment of coaching interactions:

Hi Paul,

First little issue I thought I'd share with you: going over the survey, there are several questions regarding my current occupation. Tough to answer them in a way, as I haven't a job. That said, I clearly see myself as having work, as doing work. So, there is no employer's name or address. And as for occupation, I confess to having wondered that myself. In part, my hope from our interactions is a better sense of how to define that.

Enjoy,

Articulate

Articulate,

Thanks for the note. You intuition is correct. We'll spend some of our early time together fleshing a lot of those questions out in terms your "ideal". What is your ideal work? What is your ideal employer? Etc.

If you like, when you are filling the forms out, dream a little bit about your ideal situation around work. Try not to get too specific at this point. Keep it general like we did when we were talking on the phone. Think about the things you value in work. Think about what part you want work to play in your life. Think about what is missing in your life without work. Also, chew on these questions a bit...

What is your assessment of the job search that you've been engaged in over the last couple of years? What did you learn about YOU?

If you could do it over again, what would you do differently?

If you were to write a song about the state of your career right now, what would you call it?

Where do you give your power away and when do you tend to do it?

Where do you hold back in life?

That's it for now. Talk to you soon.

PB

Put that in your hat

Today's mail brought:

Dear Articulate:

Today I had Tim Ginsburg [prominent cross-over researcher] in to speak about his new book. I mentioned your name and that you had applied to [center at Big West Private]. He said, "I wish I'd known, I'd be glad to write him a letter." So put that in your hat until you need it. His book has done quite well, and a letter from him could be useful at some point.

Hope all's well!

Cheers,

Tasse

That brought a smile to my face. Ginsburg happens also to be on the faculty in a different discipline (but with a joint appointment in Field 1) at another university (in Canada) where I've applied, and from whence a couple days ago, someone did a Google search for my real name.

Meantime, I've done a lot of cleaning up in my office today, trying to find my notes on which essays by [protagonist of my dissertation] I need to translate. I did some of the translations last year, when I was writing up my dissertation distillation article, which material was incorporated into the text. I still haven't found those notes, but it's a good exercise to clean and purge.

Plotting a course

I've long had a to-do list, that I keep on my computer desktop, updated periodically, with new items, striking out those I've completed, highlighting the ones that are in process, with notes on what I've done and what remains to be done.

On Monday, I created a "daily tasks" list. So far it has only three items on it, one of which I've yet to do since writing it. That's translating for my book proposal. As I'm thinking now, I might wish to make this into two books: one, based on my dissertation, with allusions to and excerpts from the translations; the second, a collection of translations, since virtually none of this material has ever appeared in a language spoken by more than a few million people. I just have to get on it. The number one item is actually homework for this language class I'm taking (the same language as the majority of the materials I'm translating). I'll be adding to this list as well, and hope to set up a routine whereby I can actually work on everything regularly.

I've been spending a good deal of time going through my dad's writings, and typing up things for the blog that I keep of his stuff, which once I've completed going through enough of his writing (it may be another year or so!), I plan to compile and edit, sprinkled with letters and reminiscences, into a memoir of sorts. If any of you are particularly interested in what "Articulate's dad" was like, drop me a line, and I'll send you the URL for that site. This work is item three on my list. There are many other things I have been doing with my time, like job applications, but I haven't decided that they are "daily tasks".

I haven't really worked on the children's books for a week. I'll have a lot of time to think about those things, and to prioritize my time and efforts, as I begin working with this career coach. Talked with my wife about it. She's thinking she might like to get a career coach. She suggested that perhaps this is a better investment in our future than my flying to all these conferences. Over six months, coaching will run us in the range of $2500 or so. My trip to Germany next month will run about $1000. Hopefully, one of the upcoming conferences in the UK will cover my expenses. The other one (in May), well, my paper was accepted as a poster. I'd like to go. We'll just have to see what things look like as we get closer.

In any case, these are some of the issues I will be working through, with assistance now. My coach, let's call him Paul Becker sent me the new client package, including a survey. Lot's to think about. Maybe I'll share some of it with you as we go along.

Bagels, Love, and Sunset

On a lighter note, here are some recent images from my life:

These are the best bagels in the world. I have finally perfected the recipe, based on Rose Levy Beranbaum's recipe in "The Bread Bible," with emendations to add some rye and whole wheat flour. Yum!

This was on the easel one day last week, when I came home from my office.

This was the view from a sailboat a couple weekends ago, in Paradise.

What was I saying about priorities?

A couple of days ago, I suggested a new national goal.

Last night Texas Yahoo, still proud of his C average in college, proved once again the current lack of interest in higher education in America. The loyal opposition's response? Nothing to write home about.

From Inside Higher Ed:

Higher education is rarely front and center in presidential State of the Union addresses — but rarely is it invisible, either, as it was Tuesday night in President Bush’s seventh such speech. In a speech heavy on foreign affairs, he did not mention any college programs or efforts or in any way refer to higher education. The closest he came to an issue relevant to colleges was a plea to Congress to cut back on the earmarks, or directed grants, that lawmakers love to give to their constituents, and for which many postsecondary institutions line up. The president’s references to education focused on his signature K-12 program, No Child Left Behind, which is up for renewal in Congress this year. College officials hoping for some nod from the president toward a hoped-for Pell Grant increase may wonder if his neglect of higher education portends what will happen in Congress in the coming year — with the No Child Left Behind reauthorization eclipsing higher education issues, including efforts to carry out the recommendations of the Secretary of Education’s Commission on the Future of Higher Education. (For what it’s worth, the only higher education-specific statement in Sen. Jim Webb’s Democratic response to the State of the Union address was a reference to “off the chart” college tuition prices, in a list of reasons why Americans are struggling economically.

Just to clarify, the principal reason tuition rates are high is because of the low level of support from the government. The funds must come from somewhere. When I was an officer of my graduate student union, dealing with our periodic renegociation of health insurance, I remember having to bring this home to graduate students who wished to add new coverage, and to avoid raising the deductible, both of which were opposed by the administration. Why? If more was spent on insurance, less would be available for fellowships. More coverage, fewer recipients.

Bear in mind, I am a person who finished my bachelor's degree with more than $40,000 worth of student loans. One great tragedy of the present Bush fiasco was the stepping back from the great program of Direct Student Loans, started under Clinton, returning to the brazen government subsidies of private lenders, wasting tax dollars to support private profits, at the expense of taxpayer and students. But, while I am aware of a move in Europe toward the "American model" of higher education, I wish to point out that requiring their students to pay a few hundred dollars in tuition is a far cry from the burdens of American students and families. The answer, however, is not to decry the cost of tuition, as if it were the fault of institutions of higher learning, but simply to raise the level of support from the government, increasing not only Pell Grant funding, but adding billions of dollars of support for graduate student and faculty grants, for new infrastructure, for increased hiring, for technology, for staff. Again, I ask, what are our priorities?

Career coaching update

A week ago, I wrote about my trials at contacting career counseling somewhere that might be available to me. I finally got the courage again, this morning, to do a little searching online. Sent an email to someone at a local community college, who gives career coaching sessions. Then, I called someone relatively local who came up through a Google search.

We wound up talking on the phone for nearly an hour. While I was distracted a bit (at times) during the call, I felt good energy there. He asked some good questions, got me thinking about some things. He seemed genuine, honest. It'll set me back $100/week. His fee is less than the career coach I spoke to last year (he would charge $125/wk). His focus is broader as well. Most importantly, however, (though I liked the other guy as well) I felt more rapport with him, and a sense that this could really help me figure out my goals, and draw up a plan for reaching them.

I like a lot of what he had to say. For instance, he asked what I value in a career, in five words or less. Hmmm. Okay: Freedom; Creativity; Contribution (to society); Acknowledgement (applause); and Compensation. Later he asked about academia: Rank a faculty post according to your five values (1-10, 10 being the best). Okay: Freedom (8); Creativity (9); Contribution (10); Acknowledgement... hmmm (probably 6); Compensation... ha! (5). Good call there, I'd say. A faculty post still looks pretty good to me, 3 out of 5 up there; two, well, if I'm not compensated enough, I can make money in other ways perhaps (but it's not all about the money; we're not going hungry); and as for the "applause" well, perhaps that's something I ought to require less. Frankly, I think having a job I'm happy about would be a heck of a lot more applause than I have now.

He remarked: You may find that you are 100% committed to having a faculty post, in which case the time it takes will matter less. But the fact that you're measuring the time makes me think you may not be committed to it.

Look these observations may not be earth-shattering, but the conversation seemed productive to me. I also liked his comments regarding how coaching would differ from psychotherapy: Psychotherapy would focus a lot on your past, and the reasons you are the way you are. We would be focusing more on where you want to get, and how to get there. I've had 39 years to settle with who I am, and where I've been. I still prefer the motto: Everyone who got where they are, started where they were.

And today, this is where I am.

A new national goal (after war)

Okay, let's say (with great optimism) that we are on the tail-end of the recent push to war in American politics. Let's assume that the end of our military involvement in Iraq is in sight. Let's believe that the obscenity of military expenditures we've seen over the past especially six years is winding down.

I spoke with my wife this evening. She says she's in a hotel suite big enough for ten. How odd I think that our government (her career is, in some round about but rather tangible way, supported by government agencies) and economy has so much money to lavish on engineers, yet there is unceasing lament over the cost of higher education, such that an announcement from Princeton that it will not raise tuition is hailed but briefly as momentous.

Remember 1999? President Bill Clinton was pushing for more cops on the streets, and pledging federal funds to do it. What would happen to this country, and the world, if a president with vision (work with me here) would propose a goal to increase the number of professors in the country by 100,000, or let's be bold... why not set a goal to double the number of college and university professors over the next 20 years? I mean, honestly, the $6 billion that Clinton pledged for increasing the police force is a drop in the bucket next to what Texas Yahoo has spent on ensuring that those who hated us before hate us even more. What are our priorities?

A day like today

Today, the weather was fine, a typical spring-like day in my memory, warm, dry, quiet: the kind of day that never fails to raise in me a certain kind of nostalgia. Weather at times has great effect on me. Endless rain induces a deep lethargy. But days like today normally put me at a distance from myself, granting me the ability to observe.

The Rocket Scientist is out of town today, and tomorrow, in the city where we met. She's there for work. The au pair went to the gym before dinner. It was me, and the boys, alone in the house. Quite a pleasant evening all around. I love those boys.

I got to thinking a bit this afternoon as I sat in my office, settling into my routine, what is my routine, and why? What is my work? I've never been a religious person, I question too much, never able to let go and accept, to rely on faith, or the wisdom of others, tradition. Sometimes, I wish it were otherwise, for I think there is great strength in belonging, in believing; strength that lies ever just out of my grasp, like the grapes of Tantalus.

My father taught me (in the great tradition of my people, known as Tikkun Olam) that my job in life (quite simple really) is to leave the world a better place for my having lived. It's a nice lesson (a burden when you it take it seriously), but in the end a bit hollow, like the cavity of a barrel, wanting wine to fill it. The shape is clear, only its fulfillment remains obscure. In faith, or religion, I suppose there is an acceptance that we might not know the contents of the barrel, but it is ours to carry or store nonetheless. If I were Lot... I'd have turned to salt, just for a peek inside, like Dorothy unmasking the Wizard.

So what is my work? If I am to leave the world a better place for my having lived, what means will be mine to accomplish that end? Without faith or religion, there is always work, the hustle-bustle of involvement. One might not need a deeper answer, if time is occupied, full, proscribed. But mine, just at this moment, is free, wide-open, like the vistas of Montana.

On Friday, I received a rather innocuous email from Inge, the acquisitions editor who is considering my dissertation-to-book project:

Dear Articulate,

I'm just looking at your proposal again, and before I send it off for review, I wonder if you could put together fuller abstracts of your sections: at least 500 words each if at all possible. Because your sample material is not from the actual book, it is important that reviewers receive as much information as possible about the proposed book itself.

Many thanks,

Inge

You know, there's really not much to it. She is still interested in the project; One might argue that her intention in fact is to strengthen the case. A good editor would do that. It's not too much for me to do. But, I've yet to respond. Perhaps tomorrow I will.

For a moment, however, I've chosen to pause, to hesitate, to question, like my friend WhatNow?. I wonder what my motivation is in this project. To write the dissertation was clearly motivated, as that task stood between me and a PhD. But what will this add to my life, transforming the diss into a book? For an academic, the answer again is rather clear: we must publish to gain tenure. Ah... but there is the rub. I can't get tenure without a job.

So, I wonder: will writing this get me closer to that goal? Putting that aside, for I no longer define myself according to that standard: What end would be served by such a book? It's not that I reject or devalue my dissertation research. No. But such a book, despite my arguments in the proposal, would likely have a narrow audience, the same audience perhaps that has so far failed to hire me into their club. And I wonder, will they really care? If it's for them... do I really care?

Put another way, is my time well spent in the effort this project would consume? If not for them, what will I gain through the process? In part, it is my aversion to start something I may not finish that stays my hand. Before I start, I must be sure I wish to end.

Still in the running

Dear Dr. Dad,

Thank you for submitting additional materials for the faculty opening at the [Center] in the [Field 1] Department at Big West Private. Please allow this e-mail to serve as confirmation that we have received your packet of materials and at least three reference letters.

I will be in touch once the committee has had time to review all material received.

Please feel free to contact me with any questions.

Yours sincerely,

Staci Trotter
[Center] Administrator
Big West Private University

I really really really can't let this get to me too much. I'm excited, even though they haven't so much as given me an interview. And recall that this Staci had told me over the phone that they had asked for supplementals from a lot of people. Who knows what that means.

I guess in some ways, my years of rejection for academic posts has prepared me for not really expecting this to come through. But, I'm quite encouraged that they are at least interested in me, that I am in the running. If not now... Who knows what the future will bring?