Not really sad, mostly quiet

The au pair returned on Wednesday. Yesterday was her first day back watching the boys, and my first day in a couple weeks to try and regain my grounding and direction beyond parenting. In some ways this latest stint of full-time dad duty wasn't as hard on me as the 5-month stint I served a year ago. My expectations have changed. My sense of urgency has diminished. I am where I am, and that's okay.

Still and all, I want to be both a father and a man. Being a man for me, a person really, a captain of my vessel, means to have meaningful work. I think about the recent discussion on Ianqui's blog re: deserving a tenure-track job. What do any of us deserve? There is a motto I try to live by: strive for excellence in all things that you do. I'd like to live in a world where striving for excellence is enough to achieve a manner of success. But as per that discussion, there are all sorts of ways to "operationalize" success.

I am happy being a father, when I maintain the patience to delight in my boys' charms, when I can truly see the world as they look at it, enjoying time in the moment, experiencing their wonder, as they learn and explore. I take great pleasure in picking tomatoes or peppers, cucumbers, squash, all manner of things from my garden, working the soil, turning the compost in the worm bin. I enjoy cooking. Sailing allows me to live with the wind and the sea. These are joys I can take with me, no matter what else I do.

But success? I am tired of awaiting a committee's stamp of approval. It's not that I no longer want it. But I can no longer consider that stamp to be my measure of success.

Yesterday, I spent some time returning to the blog I keep of my father's poetry and writings, typing up several more from the files I have. I had been neglecting that for a while. I realized in that moment, that that is real work. I will publish his poems, along with some of my own, and letters between us, and reminiscence. It'll be a memoir of sorts, across generations, a dialogue like Natalie Cole's recordings with her posthumous father Nat King Cole.

I have some children's books I wrote a while ago, and ideas for a new one, that I would like to market and publish. There are both scholarly and popular publications which I have in mind, or in various stages of development, which I wish to push ahead with. I have some additional ideas for self-employment, to bring in a little cash, but mostly to get me active again. I'm far more productive when I have several fires burning.

When we move to Rocket City, I plan to get myself a small office or studio space, in which to work without the distractions of home or the constant hum and hubbub of the graduate student computer lab, where I had occasion to hang my hat during this last year.

I'll continue to apply for faculty jobs and post-docs. But already I feel less interest in applying for many of them. My confidence remains at ebbtide. There are no job descriptions that scream out to me, Articulate, this one's for you. Rather, they're vague, densely coded, obscure. They all seek excellence, exceptionality, promise, experience. I thought I had all those qualities a year or two ago, now I'm not so sure. Here's one:

We seek a creative scholar with broad interests, exceptional promise, and a strong commitment to teaching historical and cultural studies in an imaginative and compelling manner.

Blah blah... what am I supposed to make of that sort of description? For comparison, here's the verbage from the position the same school advertised in fall 2004:

We seek a creative scholar with broad interests, exceptional promise, and a strong commitment to teaching historical and cultural studies in an imaginative and intellectually stimulating manner.

This from their announcement in Spring 2005 for a one-year post:

We seek a creative scholar with broad interests and evidence of strong teaching abilities.

Or, see this from their announcement of two positions in Fall 2005:

We seek candidates with broad interests, proven and distinguished excellence in scholarship (or exceptional promise in the case of junior candidates), and a strong commitment to teaching in an imaginative and intellectually stimulating manner.

The worst part of being here again, looking over the cliff, ready to jump, wondering if I remembered my parachute, is that I no longer expect to succeed in this search, no longer hold certainty that I even wish to.

I think of Tasse Plein's remark to me in an email last month:

Damn man, when you do get your interview, you want to project the notion that you are perfectly happy doing what you are doing, and that while you'd consider their job, you don't need it.

I guess that's the task ahead of me. Frankly, I only really get depressed when I think of this job search. Thinking about the work, the research, the writing, etc. all get me gassed up. If only I can stay on top of my game, without losing the requisite drive to keep applying. It's anybody's guess.

Not fading away

Lately, I've been giving thought to the issue of fading away. Let me tell you a little story. There once was a woman. Let's call her Susanna Parafin. She was a pioneer in my true though as of yet mostly unrecognized subdiscipline (the focus of the Society for Innovative Interdisciplinarity), which properly is an interdiscipline, attracting a collection of scholars from a variety of fields. She published several pathbreaking articles, and one monograph in the late 1980s, which remain quoted to this day. But then... she faded away. By the time I entered the field, in the late 1990s, she was nowhere to be found, though some of her colleagues and co-authors still remain.

What happened to her, I wonder. My guess is she simply failed to get a tenure-track job, then passed from the field, to be remembered only for her early contributions. Did she lose interest in the field? Was she simply too discouraged? Perhaps I'll never know. There was potential there, great potential, that at least from the vantage I sit on, was wasted. I can't say for sure. Maybe her true passion was culinary art or architecture. Perhaps she's made her own mark in those realms, leaving no trace to the modern internet search savvy. But I wonder if it wasn't something altogether more mundane, something closer to home, something sad.

I don't wish to fade away, to drop off my chosen path, to take up a career in advertising or real estate. Many others have. It's not that I couldn't. It's simply that I don't want to. I'm discouraged, to be sure, frustrated at my so far unrequited efforts to gain a standing in academia that matches my expectations, my hopes, my dreams. I spent a good long time thinking about what drives me, before I returned for the PhD, which showed itself on my shirtsleeves so to speak.

Years ago, after having finished my Master's degree, wondering where it might lead me, what path I should tread, my wife listened patiently to my contemplations, my endless sifting through of possibilities. Perhaps I'll go back to gardening (a sole-proprietor landscaping business paid my way through the undergraduate years), or seek a manager position at a bookstore or a restaurant (both work I had done before).

No, she declared, that's not what keeps you up at nights. That's not what fires your passions, that brings a glint to your eyes. Your heart beats faster, and your face shines and sparkles when you tell me about [Field 1] and [Field 2]. Follow your passions. That's who you are.

She was right. I knew it then, and I believe it still today. I know who I am. I know where I belong. I know what work lies before me. My fear is simply not finding the means to get across this abyss which holds me back. I can't say for sure what lies on the other side. A fog and haze obscures it from me. What I do know is that I will be me, no matter where I land.

What, not enough racism for you?

Election 2006

Maryland Primary Not About Race, Voters Say

by Allison Keyes

All Things Considered, September 10, 2006 · Democrats are torn over the top two choices in the Maryland Senate primary: Congressman Ben Cardin, who is white, and former NAACP President Kweisi Mfume, who is black. Many voters, however, insist that the contest is not about race.

Who gains from this discussion? Who is wedded to the idea that racism must be everlasting and pervasive? And from NPR, no less. I'm disappointed. Why is it news to say Shooboobooboo, WHO IS WHITE thinks that.... Marklebarkle, WHO IS BLACK believes that...

Why can a story like this simply not been covered on the issues, as everyone in the story seems to believe? Call me naive: but when racism is the last thing on people's minds... shouldn't we just leave it there?

My response to Karl-Heinz

Hi Karl-Heinz,

Thanks for the follow up. Yes, I am a US citizen. I am still very much interested in preparing a [specific grant] proposal, and in working in your lab. I wasn't sure from your last email whether you think my proposed project would be appropriate. If you have other suggestions or ideas, I'm certainly open to your input. Depending on how involved you would like to be in the proposal process, I'm willing to work either directly under your guidance or independently, as you prefer.

My thought at the moment is to plan a brain-imaging study as follow up to my [Longitudinal Study], for which I will begin data gathering in November, and analysis shortly thereafter. For that reason, I think the April deadline for [specific grant] would be more practical, as it would allow me a few months of data as a base for my proposal.

I'm still hoping that I can acquire some hands-on experience in a brain-imaging lab before putting together a proposal. I got the impression that there may not be anything appropriate or available to me in your lab in the short term. Please let me know if that changes. Your work seems to be the closest to my interests, and would therefore be my first choice. In the meantime, I will pursue whatever other opportunities arise.

Let me know if an April submission would work for you. Thanks again for your encouragement and support of my research and training.

Best,
Articulate

I hadn't posted them here, but we had exchanged a few more emails in August, in which I spoke of some specific ideas, and mentioned my having considered another larger grant proposal down the road. I also indicated my willingness to accept periods of uncertain funding, if there were a chance for me to fill the open post-doc that he had mentioned. He didn't take up my offer to come to his lab in the short term, but wrote:

Without hurting your feelings, [larger grant] will not work for you right now. You would need to be much more established with a minimum of two publications in peer-reviewed journals in the area that you are applying for.

I accepted the rebuke, but his note seemed rather curt and discouraging, since there was no commentary or reaction to my research ideas. I followed up with a conciliatory note, stating:

I meant not to overstep my bounds in suggesting the [larger grant], just to indicate that I'm thinking ahead. I realize if I come to your lab that I would be the apprentice, and I fully appreciate this situation.

So, I'm pleased to have received his recent missive. I had thought I had lost the chance. This would be a great opportunity for me, as his lab is focused on areas of research that mesh completely with my own interests. It is also a lab at a top-ranked East Coast school, which certainly wouldn't hurt my experience, my exposure, or my CV. Fortunately, my mother lives an easy commute from that school, and would be happy to give me a place to stay (especially as I might be able to bring the boys with me on occasion). I'm not terribly interested in a commute however, if it can be avoided. But grant cycles can take a year or more, meaning, this could be our next stop.

So much

There is so much to write about, so many thoughts, so many emotions. I think of Dr. Mon's post a while back, about feelings. I'm the kind who always wears my heart on my shirt sleeves, though I have become more reflective about life, somewhat more objective. That doesn't mean I feel things any less intensely, it simply means that while I'm feeling them, I'm able to intellect other sides, other takes, other possibilities.

I've just so much to say right now, that I'm finding it difficult to get started. I want to start a thread on parenting and careers and expectations. Hopefully I'll be able to tackle at least a beginning on that soon.

Recently, I've come to value even more my wonderful relationship with my wife, the life and family that we have forged together, and the future that we both look forward to sharing. I think of my mother's stormy 21 years with my step father, before he decided to have an affair with his married secretary, then marry her after both divorced their spouses. I want none of that. This marriage, this family, this life, are where I want to be. My life, for the most part, is filled with marvels. I am truly blessed with that.

And yet, there is a part of me that still seeks. There is still a gaping hole in my professional life that was neither expected nor deserved. This has been a rough week for me, a rough several weeks. I said to my mother recently that we've been on a roller coaster the past week or so. She replied, you've been a roller coaster since you graduated! Indeed.

Part of the ups and downs this particular week (since our final decision to move) is the result of my full-time parenting at the moment. It is a great joy and a tiring burden. Those who have never served as stay-at-home parents may simply never understand. I wonder at those parents who choose this life, embrace it, revel in it, thrive even. I respect them and admire them, but I fail to fully understand them. I wonder at my mother, who divorced my father (not without cause) and headed "back home" some 200 miles away, with three boys, aged 8, 6, and 4, returned to teaching and to college, where she earned two master degrees, while moving into school administration. A "stay-at-home" was not my model.

It is not that I don't delight in being a father. But it is that my hands at times feel tied, my life completely overwhelmed by duty, one which keeps me from other things I might wish to be doing. This would likely be otherwise, if I felt that modicum of satisfaction in my professional accomplishments. I recall all too well the many times I have heard from colleagues who are so fortunate to hold tenure-track positions, or tenure, that they know many colleagues, smarter, better teachers, more capable, whatever, who have failed to secure employment in their fields. All those times I heard those words, I suspected it was a bit of hyperbole on their parts, that there must be some reason they have a job and the others did not, that there was some logic to it all.

The logic escapes me now. I never thought I might be the subject of such a comment. But here I am, so far unable to land myself a post in my field. It is frustrating. The choice is mine, I know. It has always been mine. I could walk away. I won't be so rash. But I can't say what 6 months or a year will bring. I am determined to hold onto who I am, to follow my paths, to pursue my interests, to contribute to society, to my fields of research, in the ways that I can best do so. At the moment, I still hope that will be as part of an institution of higher learning, but I give up trying to predict.

In the meantime, I am tired. Parenting is exhausting: perhaps less so for those better equipped for its rigors, or better adjusted to its demands. And seeking, always seeking, reading job postings, sending out feelers, applying for jobs is exhausting as well. For me, perhaps, it is the waiting that most saps my energies, and while I am a full-time dad (the au pair returns the middle of next week), just about all I can do is wait, since I haven't the time or energy to do much else.

As I have said and thought many times in my life: this too shall pass. The move will be in its own way exhilirating. I thrive on novelty, especially when I have felt stagnant, when circumstances leave me in an endless eddy, ever circling back and around again. Sometimes you just have to pick up the kayak, and head to another stream. Hold on: the rollercoaster promises to return again.

Karl-Heinz renews contact

Hi Articulate:

I am going through some old e-mails and wanted to make sure if you are serious about a December submission. The [specific grant] requires citizenship if I remember correctly. Are you a US citizen?

Best,

Karl-Heinz

[Uh... yeah, nice to hear from you. I guess I had given up on that prospect since you had fallen silent following my discussion of the sort of project I'd like to work on.]

Not going to write that back to him, I promise. I'll get back to him in the next day or two. Yes, I think I would like to prepare a grant proposal to work with him. Still a bit concerned about writing a fundable project proposal without any experience in brain imaging. But, I'll work on that. Still have that contact Patrick at the university in Rocket City who has remained upbeat and supportive. Perhaps there's room for at least an informal association there, which would give me more confidence and experience in that regard. We'll see. One step at a time.

Relayed message

The following is an email sent to my host department chair, with a request that it be forwarded along to me. Why they were able to locate the chair's contact but not my own remains a mystery.

MESSAGE FOR ARTICULATE DAD

Dear Articulate

Thomas Porter* has given me your name, and suggested I contact you regarding a conference I am planning for [Date next spring]. The conference is called [same as a conference panel I organized in Belgium a few years back], and will be hosted by the [Name of Institute] at [UK University], in conjunction with [further details]. [Physical Sciences Big Name] and [Social Sciences Big Name] will be giving the keynotes for that event.

The conference is intended to explore the topic from both scientific and historical standpoints.

I would be grateful for any help your can provide - a paper please! - and the names of any people in the field you suggest I contact. I have already established a basic working group, including [Big Names in Field 1].

Many thanks for your help, in advance, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Bidar Aharon
--
Dr Bidar Aharon
Reader in [Field 1]
Director, Postgraduate Studies in [Field 1]
Director, Centre for [Field 1 subfield]
General Editor, [Field 1 subfield journal] [Publisher**]
General Editor, [Field 1 other subfield journal] [Same Publisher]
[UK University]

* No idea who this is, likely someone who found my PRW, or attended my panel in Belgium back when.
** Just so happens to be the same publisher as the one whose acquisitions editor I wrote to recently.

So, all told, I suppose my efforts to mark my niche and make a name for myself are beginning to pay off. Of course, a paper please! and we'll gladly cover your expenses are too quite different expressions, as I well know. But, yeah, sure, why not.

Well, then, we're going

HR @ RC: Everyone okayed it. The salary is the same as original, but I can offer you a signing bonus of [4.5% of salary].

Rocket Scientist: Uh... sure, okay, we'll take it.

Done deal! Got to love corporate America. Finally, the rollercoaster is taking a break. Tentative start date at Rocket Central is mid-October. Need to get confirmation, and the signed, sealed offer on paper delivered (FedEx, hopefully arriving tomorrow). Then I can call our landlord and give our notice. Meantime, the purging and cleaning continues. Next it's finding a place to live in Rocket City, and possibly an office or studio space for me to rent outside the house, for working in earnest.

This life is a genuine adventure. Don't blink or you might miss something great.

On the edge

The Rocket Scientist called Rocket Central this morning, and spoke with her handler in HR.

Hmmm. Well, the offer is off the table. We'd have to get approval from all the managers to reopen it. If I get approval, would you be willing to take the original offer.

Well, if it's [dollar figure, 3.5% above the original offer] I could take it today, otherwise, I'd have to do some thinking.

The offer I was authorized for wasn't that. Meantime, I suggest you do some thinking. I'll look into reopening it. Hope to be back to you with word today.

I received notice in today's email that the position at the University of Southern Orchards which remained unfilled last year, has officially been reopened. The job description was modified however, to specify scholars with a research interest in [not my area] particularly encouraged to apply. I called last year's search committee chair (whose letter read in part "We would greatly appreciate having another opportunity to give you full consideration") to feel out the situation.

He's not on this year's committee, but he confirmed that that specialization is what they seem to really need, though they avoided specifying it last year. Okay, now I know: they're out.

Meantime, I'm still Dr. Dad, and enjoying the time with my boys. The au pair called from Europe today to say that she got her new visa, so we'll see her in about a week without complications. I'm ready to start a new year, focusing on building my niche, rather than obsessing about the job search.

I don't know if we'll be in Rocket City, or if we'll be looking back in our old haunts, if we'll just stick it out here in Paradise, and wait to see if a transfer is in the offing a few months down the road, or start a broader search. I'll be keeping an eye on faculty job listings, but I'm not going to apply anywhere the Rocket Scientist couldn't also reasonable find work, unless the job is just too good to pass up.

Meanwhile, I continue to get hits on my PRW from someone at Hurricane Magnet U. Still no word, but at least I know they're interested. The thing is, it's time for us to stop waiting for something to happen, and simply make our decisions as a family, based on what we know at the moment. First thing, we have to hear back from Rocket Central. We don't need it. If the offer is there, we've got new news which will help us decide. If tomorrow brings something else, we'll look at everything with fresh eyes. There's really no other way to handle it right now.

Sign, Sign, Everywhere a Sign

The continuing saga of Paradise vs. Rocket City.

Hey... um, Rocket, uh... okay, first off, you didn't hear this from me... this conversation didn't take place, but... what I told you the other day, that your job here is secure for at least the next two years... well, I've gotten some new news that indicates that... well, your future with the company is in [different city]... and uh... well, I mean, in a matter of months.

Hmmm... well, that does change things now, doesn't it? See, a large factor in the Rocket Scientist's choice to stay over going was the uncertainty of our short-term future, and the thought that it might be too much upheaval for us to move now, and possibly again in a year or so.

She's relatively happy with her work (though obviously management could use a face-lift!) She'd be happy at Rocket Central as well, though we can't say how long we'd stay. The thing I've taken from all this is a stronger sense that we are a team, that it doesn't really matter who's driving, we're taking the trip together, and we might as well take the car with the full tank of gas. As she pointed out, I did bring us to Europe for a year, and that was an experience to remember. It's not that I don't contribute to our well-being and life-plans, it's simply perhaps my turn to take the passenger's seat.

Ironically, the best thing I ever did for her career was come to graduate school in Paradise. Her career has rocketed up from then, and shows few signs of hitting ground anytime soon. To some extent, it was sheer luck that she was looking for work in her field at that time in this place. She was miserable in her previous job, and had considered leaving the field. In the end, she decided to stick with it, really enjoyed the work and co-workers, learned a lot, and found a niche that has come to be much in demand. Coming back, though it took some negotiating, and a flat rejection of their initial offer, she took a promotion, and a handsome raise. Thus we packed up our lives, left the house where my father died, and came back to Paradise. If now we leave, we'll find our own paradise.

The task for both us, then, is to make the best of the opportunities that are before us. We can't control what presents itself, but we can steer to avoid obstacles. Now, we're back again to square one. Tuesday, the Rocket Scientist will call back HR at Rocket Central once again to say:

hey, you know what, I've been thinking about Rocket Central all weekend, and well, what do you have to offer me? Maybe we can work something out after all.

Always an adventure; never a dull moment!

The Leprechaun responds

Articulate,

Pardon my slowness to respond. Yesterday was a busy one for me.

We have not spoken in a while, not since you were in the office and I began making inquiries for you at schools where you had applied or anticipated applying. I'm distressed to hear that none of those opportunities panned out for you. Many times, short-term positions go to known, local people, though not necessarily the best candidates, for reasons of expediency. That's no comfort I know -- and it doesn't pay the bills -- but it removes the lack of success from you personally.

I'm sorry to say that I don't have any teaching opportunities at the moment. As you probably know, we just hired someone in a ladder-rank [subfield 2/subfield1] post advertised last year. Money for lecturers has been cut back so that, for example, the [subfield 3] lecturer taking the place of [lecturer recently tenure-track hired elsewhere] (and ultimately the "place-holder" for the ladder-faculty post vacated by [Member of my Dissertation Committee who left]) had to be reduced by 25%, and [another] lectureship was eliminated all together from our budget request. We are barely making due (and less).

I am truly sorry not to be able to help you, but the budget simply won't bear any adjunct faculty beyond the bare minimum we have.

Let me know about applications you make so that I can make calls again.

Wishing you good luck for the coming job-search season,
Leprechaun

Dear Leprechaun,

Thanks for the note, and your comments. I'm sorry to hear there are no teaching opportunities at the moment. Please do keep me in mind if anything opens up. I'm also happy to cover a stray lecture here or there, as needed, so let people know.

Meantime, I'm staying active with writing and submitting articles, preparing conference abstracts, and getting going on some new research. If there's a chance to give an [colloquium] or [lecture series] talk this year, let me know. I'm eager for all opportunities to get my ideas out there, and get feedback from scholars and students.

The job season is nearly upon us. So, perhaps this year will prove more fruitful in my quest.

Thanks again,
Articulate

Am I famous yet?

Here are the stats from my PRW.

Last 7 days:

		Page Loads	Unique Visitors	First Time Visitors	Returning Visitors
Total		241	132	123	9
Average		30	17	15	1

Last month:

		Page Loads	Unique Visitors	First Time Visitors	Returning Visitors
Total		695	391	365	26
Average		22	13	12	1

At least I know people are reading me, and more and more. While this week and next will be difficult for me to accomplish much of substance (since I'm watching the boys full-time from about 8:00-6:00, it should be a good opportunity for me to think about things, which is always good.

Reading over WhatNow?'s recent commentary about writing, I get to thinking about who I am as a scholar. In many ways, her scrap-writing approach appeals to me. I am in essence a synthesist; I'm most productive, most energetic, and most excited, when drawing disparate realms of thought together, finding links, and making new. As much as I hate to admit it (especially now as a new job season is upon us, and my greatest need at the moment is to market myself), I'm not the best fitter-in.

Perhaps this comes in part from my life-long self-identity as a member of a minority group, and one defined not by my outward appearance as much as by my inner beliefs and thoughts. I am not a fully-integrated part of this greater society. I'm not like most others. As I was growing up, my theme-song was Edgar Allan Poe's poem Alone:

From childhood's hours,
I have not been as others were,
I have not seen as others saw...

A bit romantic for a teenager, a bit self-indulgent these days perhaps. But those were the thoughts that formed me. Where it leads me today is a self-awareness of my strengths and weaknesses. I wish to work in ways that exploit those strengths, yet diminish the weaknesses.

The Rocket Scientist and I, and the boys, are staying here in Paradise for now, at least until we have a compelling reason to leave, which most likely means an opportunity for both of us to work meaningfully in our chosen fields, within an hour's drive of each other.

The greatest difficulty for me now (and perhaps a persistent one in my life) is that I tend to lurch in many directions. As you can imagine, a step here, two steps there, turn around, step somewhere else, is not exactly the best tack for getting anywhere. Just as my wife with this recent career choice, I've been waiting for a sign of sorts that one direction, one particular path is the one I should take. There are no signs (other than the one I posted here a few months ago).

Goal for this coming season: Tread more firmly. Take more steps to test the direction. Fear not. Time is long. I've got ideas. I simply must trust them... and force myself to promulgate them. That means follow-through!

A Painter's contemplations

Today,

Painter: Daddy, what's inside our bodies?

Me: What's inside our bodies? Well, there are all sorts of things: there's blood, and bones... and muscles, and organs... why do you ask?

Painter: Well, I was hitting my leg with a rock... and I was wondering if I'd put a hole in my leg.

Me: Oh... well, do you want to see some pictures of what's inside our bodies?

Painter: Yeah.

So, we did a brief stint on the internet, then I called in the big dogs and cracked out an old Biopsychology and an Evolutionary Biology textbook. Never too young to get him started, right? He was fascinated with all the pictures of cells and dendrites and myelin, and especially the drawings and pictures of brains. Oh... and he especially liked the drawings of cats. They've got brains and cells too, you know.

One more shot with the Leprechaun

Dear Leprechaun,

I want to reiterate my willingness to teach any course needed in [Field 1] this coming year. I am prepared to teach courses in [listing of numerous areas in Field 1], as appropriate to my preparation and training.

I'm open to discuss any and all possibilities with you for the coming year. Recent teaching experience is perhaps the weakest link in my CV, which I wish to remedy, and seek your assistance as a recent graduate.

Attached is my current CV. Please contact me at your earliest convenience to discuss this matter.

I thank you for your consideration and continuing support,

Articulate

Patience and Persistence

The following exchange took place with the editor of the journal that published my most recent article. Martin Chauffeur is an emeritus professor in [Field 1], and an early innovator toward [Real Interdisciplinary Focus]. He was a dean at the time at one of the schools I didn't get accepted to for doctoral work, but was supportive and encouraging then, and on the few occasions we have spoken or corresponded since. He is also a member of [SII] which I've written about here before.

Hi Martin,

On a more personal note than our recent correspondence: The current job search has been among the most frustrating events of my life. I never thought I'd have such difficulty landing a post within the academy. Yet there I am. Recently, I let my [Field 1 College Society] membership lapse, and am struggling with the choices I now face. I recall that you were once an officer of the [F1CS]. Perhaps I should renew, and regain access to the [Field 1 Faculty Posting List], but I just haven't brought myself to do it yet. (I do have other sources for job postings, so I'm not entirely out of the loop). Adding insult to injury, my membership fee to [F1CS] is higher now that I've graduated (though I have no income) than it was when I was a student under fellowship.

I've diligently applied for every seemingly potentially appropriate post in the past couple years, well over 100 in all, perhaps 55 this year alone. I've applied for faculty posts in [Field 1], and a couple each in [Field 2] and [Interdisciplinary Field], one-year sabbatical replacements, post-docs in [Field 3] and brain imaging. The fact that there have only been two or three postings in [Real Interdisciplinary Focus] proper during the past three years, has made it all the more difficult. Perhaps there is more that [SII] could do to support professional development in our field? I've even considered returning to school for yet one more degree (a second Master's or a second PhD). I've gotten very close at times, but each time I've ended up back where I started.

Patience, I hear, is the key. Far easier to intellect than to accept. In any case, any advice or comments you might offer would be most welcome.

Yours in confidence,
Articulate

Hi Articulate,

I'm sorry to hear about your experience with the job market. This isn't the first time I've heard about the problem from a young colleague, including a few of my own doctoral advisees. In fact one of my earliest doctoral advisees had a terrible time on the job market: no nibbles for two years. I think her experience was similar to yours in several important ways: she was very bright and capable, and had gone through her doctoral program on a multi-year research fellowship--which allowed her to begin building up a pretty decent beginning research and publication record, but which unfortunately also meant that she didn't do any teaching as a TA. This put her into the market without a record of successful college-level teaching, where she was competing with peers who had a record of up to 5 years of teaching college courses. The happy ending to the story is that she received two job offers simultaneously after persisting for that two-year dry spell.

I hope you won't mind if I give you a couple of suggestions, which you're of course free to accept or ignore. The first would be to do whatever you can to begin building a longer record of successful college-level teaching any way you can manage. Your CV makes a strong impression in the area of research, but comes across as comparatively light in the teaching area, particularly at The University of Paradise. Part of this may be in the presentation of the teaching record: there are 6 teaching items in the CV for UoP, but 5 of the 6 state that you were a "guest lecturer." Does that mean that you presented a single guest lecture within a course, or did you teach the entire course with "guest lecturer" the job title? If the former, it's of immense value for you to make it clear that you taught the entire course. Can you draw more attention to your teaching experience at [The Community College I taught at before the PhD]? For example, if you were working as a teaching assistant, I'd mention that; if you had 100% responsibility for lesson planning, grading, etc., I'd certainly mention that.

My $0.02 worth here is that I probably wouldn't consider going after yet another degree UNLESS I could wrangle a teaching assistantship/associateship in the process. The teaching record at your stage of the career is vital. If you can't get the assistantship, is there some way that you could convince an administrator (in [Field 2], in [Field 1], or even in a related area) at UoP to give you the opportunity to teach an overload section on a non-continuing contract?

Incidentally, the CV doesn't specify your bachelor's degree . . . date, where it was obtained, major. I've seen too many bright, promising young colleagues become dispirited when they experience what you've been going through, and I can't emphasize enough that patience and persistence are absolutely critical right now. One of the [Field 1/Subfield 2] TAs I supervised at [Former University] saved the rejection letters he received during the 18 months after he completed his Ph.D. When he finally got his first position he had a cook-out, and burned all of the rejection letters (all 500+ of them!) in the charcoal grill. He's now holding a named professorship. I know it's a cliche, but it's true: the first position is always the toughest one to get.

Sincerely,
Martin

It is clear that he took the time to carefully read my CV which is encouraging. To answer some of his concerns: The five of six teaching gigs at UoP that note "guest lecturer" were just that, one day of teaching each. The sixth was a course I proposed, designed, and taught entirely on my own. My teaching at the community college was as a fully-entrusted adjunct during the 6 semesters I taught there, responsible for all aspects of the courses I taught, including text selection, and all matters of designing and executing the syllabi. Now, as for my bachelor's degree... hmmm. I graduated (in the seventh year of my undergraduate career) with a general studies degree from a school of continuing studies, at the R1 university I had been attending. While I had been an undergraduate in [Field 1] at that university, at a certain point, with about 50% more units than were necessary for a degree, though they were scattered across numerous disciplines, I decided to simply apply and graduate. Before I finished the last class (whic was taking through distance-learning), I began my Master's program in [Field 1]. I guess I ought to simply list it, no matter.

Meantime, it's patience and persistence for me.

Yesterday's lunch

Articulate,

I enjoyed our lunch yesterday. Seems like investigating the real [behavior] of real people is a pioneering area. So many directions it could go.

I want to thank you for telling me about [program relevant to our shared research interests]. I flipped through it today, and it looks really useful. Might take some getting used to, but the instructions seem clearer than most. I'm going to try it as soon as I get a chance.

Harry

In light of Trillwing's recent discussion of anonymity, I fully realize that what follows may put my own in jeopardy. Though, I also recognize that I am not so completely anonymous here. I have revealed myself to some of you, and others of you have surmised from my not so subtle hints ways of unveiling me (like my erstwhile armchair psychoanalyst, nom-de-plume someone wishing you better, who has continued to visit my sites, and clearly knows who I am). As my friend Trillwing points out however, it is ever difficult to discuss one's research, even if only obliquely, without revealing bits of one's identity. Yet, my research is inextricably entwined with my life, and my being. In any case, I am not ashamed nor jealous of who I am, so while I maintain the semblance of anonymity here, I tread this path without fear.

Harry Strope was the fourth reader on my dissertation committee, the only to provide substantive commentary, and the one member of my committee (though ostensibly the "outside reader") whose work and interests were closest to my own. He is an emeritus member of the faculty in my [Field 2] host department, in fact he was the one who suggested I pursue a Visiting Scholar post here. Over the years, we have had numerous lunches together, informal meetings at which we hash out research ideas, and just enjoy each other's company.

He is charming and delightful, in his own no-nonsense, down-to-earth way. I value his opinion highly. I am inspired by his ideas, and believe that his approval is far more valuable to me (at least in terms of intellectual honesty) than any search committee member's. In some ways, he is a throw back to an older scholarship methodologically, but one to which I am fully committed. To put it simply, he has dedicated much of his professional life to an empirical, observational approach, in the face of trends toward hypothesis-driven experimentalism. My dedication to this approach is in recognition that certain questions simply cannot be meaningfully engaged before a sufficient quantity of observation has been obtained. That is to say, experiments simply cannot answer all meanigful questions, despite the pretense that the scientific method absolutely requires a priori hypotheses.

At the ethologist Frans de Waal (2001) eloquently put it:

The urge of behavioral scientists to proceed in a straight line from theory to data, hence presenting themselves as more naive to the truth than they actually are, derives from a desire to be like physics, a science that has reached the lofty stage of armchair prediction. …

It is unclear whether the behavioral sciences will ever reach the point when logically derived predictions drive progress. Behavior is more variable than the dance of photons, and its explanation involves multiple layers, from the physiological to the mental. We cannot afford to look through a single pair of glasses; we need lots of different glasses to see reality. Theories do assist in this effort, by guiding our attention and making large amounts of data graspable, but they also induce selective blindness (182).

de Waal, F. (2001). The Ape and the Sushi Master. New York: Basic Books.

In this context, I was not particularly put-off by the following response to my recent article submission (though I was quite pleased with their speed):

Dear Dr. Dad,

Thank you for submitting your manuscript [Title] to [Field 2 Journal].

As part of our standard review process, and before recruiting external referees, the editors normally examine articles for completeness and for appropriateness to the Journal. [Field 2 Journal] tends to publish hypothesis-driven empirical research related to [disciplinary subfields]. Although the topic of your paper is of potential interest to our readers, we find that it is not particularly empirical or hypothesis-driven.

Consequently, we will not be able to consider your manuscript for publication in [Field 2 Journal]. We are sorry that we cannot bring you better news.

Sincerely Yours,

[The Editors]

Indeed, it wasn't an empirical paper in itself, rather an expository one, pointing out cross-disciplinary connections that might otherwise be overlooked, and discussing potentials for future research. It was in that way a theoretical paper, rather than an empirical one. Perhaps it simply isn't the right venue for the paper. Or maybe the paper itself simply isn't "publishable" in its present form. No matter. It was worth the effort to seek feedback. Now I have a better sense of what the editors of this journal are seeking. Though I confess to a small inner chuckle raised by their allusion to hypothesis-driven research, as a conference paper I gave a few years ago, critical of some rather prominent research in my real interdiscipline, took the title "Hypothetical Universe," intent to point out the over-reliance on their hypothesis, in the absence of any real-world empirical data to support it.

New news update

Okay, seems like it was a false alarm. The Rocket Scientist has been having a terrible time with this decision. It has been hers, all along, as I have made clear to her, though I have made every effort to be her mirror, reflecting her thoughts, desires, concerns, hopes, fears, amplifying here, obscuring there, adding additional considerations, as necessary.

Yesterday morning, there were some rumors floating about at her work that more layoffs were to be expected, that certain (or all) current projects were slated to be moved to a larger facility a few hours away. She was nervous, or at least concerned. She later spoke with some people in positions to know. It seems that what she heard from them was sufficient to allay her concerns.

She spoke with HR at RC today. Would any amount of money make the difference? I've gotten authorization... No, not really, not at this time. It's just a matter of timing. The work sounds quite interesting. I would love to work at Rocket Central. But the timing isn't right for us as a family. Alright, well, if circumstances change... obviously we'd need to have a position open, but you've certainly not burned any bridges.

Wow! What I wouldn't give to be in her shoes right now. But then... I grin just thinking about her success. I'm glad just to be by her side, as she sails along. Her Honey, I'm home kiss tonight was... quite passionate, shall we say. Her toast at dinner: to steering our ship together. Indeed. I'm quite the lucky one, even as co-pilot.

Everything will work out. I know. One way or another, this ship is ours to sail.

Another one down

I submitted another electronic submission today to a [Field 2] journal this time. Again it was short (about 3000 words), but pithy. It was a theoretical paper, describing the relevance and impact of particular work in one subfield of [Field 2] on work that straddles [Field 1] and [Field 2] studies. This was a revision of a paper I wrote a few years ago, but never submitted. One more done. More to come.

New News/Old Plan?

Noch einmal bitte?

Layoffs may be expected
Jumping ship?

Details at 11:00!

New adventures of Dr. Dad

Tomorrow morning around 4:30 am, the au pair gets on a shuttle to the nearest international airport, for a two week trip back home to Germany. We've been driving her crazy with the back and forth about moving or staying, but she's surviving it, and will stick with us another year, wherever we end up. Sent the large payment (annual fee) to the agency a couple days ago. At least it's only about half what we paid them the first year, making it probably less costly (not to mention better for all involved) than sending the boys to daycare. And, as a bonus, my wife and I can have a date night most weeks. For the next two weeks then, I'm on daddy duty, full-time.

I'm actually in a rather good mood now. I'm feeling less despair at my circumstance, and feeling more like we are steering our own ship. The discussions of the past few days have helped to clarify for me and the Rocket Scientist just what is most important in our lives. Although I still seek that modicum of satisfaction in my professional life, the sense in all its crudeness that someone somewhere would be willing to pay me to do what I am best at doing, and which I believe is worthy and to the benefit of society, I am not desperate to take whatever comes along.

We don't know what the next few months, or even the next year or two, will bring. But I am done waiting. I will write, and present, and draft proposals. I will continue, even ramp up, my efforts to find a suitable position for me, and seek the path that will work for my family as well. I have realized in the past week, that while I wouldn't rule out the possibility of a weekly commute, it's far far from ideal, and an option that I would seek strongly to avoid. Yes, that limits our options. But then, the task is for us to find the way. We shall.

A Painter's welcome

Just had to share this: The Painter was at his chalk drawing the other day on the front stoop. If you're clever, you might just surmise from his "short name" what long name might give rise to his epithet. Of course, since there are probably no more than a dozen Americans with the same first name, I'm not about to give it away.



Note the copyright symbols, and the mirrored writing. Every bit of this was his own invention. By the way, the lower bumps are "cheeks" and the line on the bottom is a "chin". I was truly flabbergasted, and fatherly pleased.

Two words... already

I'm so proud. The little Inventor this morning picked up a water bottle from the wine rack (we keep wine only on the bottom shelf these days) and carried it over to me, exclaiming "open ... water". Not even 21 months. I was impressed. :) Articulate, that one.

Another feeler

Dear John,

I am currently seeking post-doctoral research opportunities to continue my focus on [Field 1] and [Field 2] studies. I'm sure we've met at SII or [International conference] over the years. I also met [one of your graduate students] in [European City] a couple years ago at [Interdisciplinary Field 1 Conference]. Please let me know if there are any possible opportunities to work with you at Hurricane Magnet U.

I have several projects underway or in preparation which may be of interest to you. The first is my [Longitudinal Project], which I expect to begin preliminary data gathering for this fall. [Description of the project]. A draft proposal can be found at [URL].

Next, I have an outstanding NEH grant under consideration [Description of the project]. The proposal for that can be located at [URL].

Finally, I am engaged in [Field 2 project description], and to compare my findings with [focus of my dissertation].

In any case, I look forward to hearing from you regarding possibilities.

Best regards,

Articulate

Hi Articulate,

Yes [Grad Student] and I remember you. How are you? We would be interested in getting you here, of course.

I don't have any postdoc lines available right now, but I have 3 grants in ... so there are possibilities.

What is your time frame?

I am leaving on sabbatical one week from today. I'll be at [big name school in our interdiscipline]... but you can send me email at this address.

Could you send me your vita?

Jack

Back to square one

I wrote a couple of days ago that we had decided to move. As Gene Wilder (in the original "Willie Wonka") would say "scratch that... reverse it."

Um... yeah, well... see, we've moved and returned a dozen times in our heads over the past week. But I think this time, it's pretty much decided. We're going to stay, for now. The Rocket Scientist and I went with the boys to Rocket City on Saturday (it's about a two-hour drive from Paradise). My wife and I took another trip today by ourselves, to look around neighborhoods, check out houses for sale, compare to rentals, etc.

There's one neighborhood we adore, filled block after block with 80-100 year old crafstman bungalows, like the one we used to own. We would love to live there. Problem is, it's a terrible time to buy a house right now, especially in that market. The asking price on houses in that neighborhood is more than twice the price we sold our old house for (comparable to the ones in that neighborhood). Let's say they're over-priced (of course they are!), even taking loaction into account. But by how much? When will the market come crashing down? Most importantly, how could we risk purchasing a home now, when we can't be sure we'd even keep it beyond a year?

Ah... there's the rub. I've got little here and nothing there, nothing yet at least. The job would be different for my wife, possibly more interesting, most likely a bit more secure, than her current position. But the question keeps coming back to this: do the potential benefits outweigh the accompanying difficulties? Our real goal is to find a locale where we can both meaningfully pursue our chosen careers, someplace we could reasonably expect to stay for at least 3-5 years. That's not here in Paradise, but it doesn't seem to be Rocket City either.

So, we're back to square one. In sailing, there's an expression: when in doubt, let it out. Perhaps the one we've adopted in life is: when in doubt, hang about. No, we're not entirely cautious by nature, nor would we wish to be. But here, for now, we're limber, we're free. Any and all obligations have been fulfilled. We could make any decision at any time, to pack up and leave, then we're off. If we go to Rocket City, we're owned for the next 12 months, or we'd need to repay all the relocation benefits, which last I checked are a hefty sum. If we bought a house, we'd be locked into that. If we rented, we'd have a lease.

Here, we've remained past the 12 months requisite for the past relocation, and we've lived in our house past the 12-month lease (we're month to month now). If I get an offer somewhere, and my wife can find meaningful work in the vicinity, we could leave in a month.

In the end, Rocket Central would be a good place for my wife to work... but the timing is just not right, the circumstances are not quite embracing. And you know, Paradise ain't half bad a place to be stuck for a time. We're determined not to regret this decision. It's been a hard one to make. But we made it together. And for that, I am truly thankful.

Been trying for days!

Blogger is doing something REALLY SCREWY. I've been having trouble logging into my account for a couple days now. Wow, just a fluke, but I got on. We'll see how it goes. But just know, I haven't been avoiding you folks. There's so much to say here. I'll try to get some words in later. Bedtime now for the boys.

The saga continues

Dear Patrick,

I was told that email is perhaps the best way to contact you. My wife and I are considering a relocation to the area, for her to accept a position at Rocket Central.

I am quite interested to discuss with you the possibility of some sort of affiliation with your group at Rocket U. Currently, I am a postdoc in [Field 2] at the University of Paradise. I received my PhD in [Field 1] and [Interdisciplinary Field] a year ago. I was pleased to read of your brain and humanities work, and believe it would be a good match for my interests and background.

Attached is my current CV. For more details about my research and activities, take a look at my website [URL].

I look forward to hearing from you.

Thank you for your time and consideration,
Articulate

Hi Articulate, sorry for being so hard to get in touch with-it's been one of those summers (a large grant and a book project have made for an especially busy time). I would enjoy discussing the possibility of an affiliation etc., with you. My limitation at this point is that I'm a bit over-committed already in terms of my funding, so I don't have any funds in the group for positions. If you're in need of funding, you might also want to inquire with some of the other groups, such as Anton Rolio, who works on emotions and is also interested in brain-humanities links.

Best,
Pat

Great, Pat,

Thanks for the reply. I understand about busy. The life of a post-doc as you know is in fits and spurts. I will try to contact Anton Rolio as well. My principal motivation in reaching you at the moment was to ascertain what sort of welcome might exist for my work there. If nothing else, an open door might provide us some fodder for negotiating with Rocket Central. I don't know what sorts of support are available through them or the university, but it's possible there's startup funding around for spousal affiliation, which might bridge me through until I can obtain a grant or something. I've got an NEH proposal under consideration now, but I won't hear until December. Meantime, I'll be working up others as well.

Best,
Articulate

Dear Anton,

Pat Crystal suggested I contact you. I'm currently a post-doc in [Field 2] at the University of Paradise where I received my PhD a year ago in [Field 1] and [Interdisciplinary Field]. My research focuses on the x and y of z. While my background and research focus is on p rather than q, there's a great deal of crossover, via the expression and comprehension of emotions, between my work and yours.

My wife has been offered a position at Rocket Central, thus I'm pursuing appropriate opportunities for me in the area. The brain and humanities research at Rocket U. makes an affiliation there quite attractive to me. I'm eager to learn what more I can about brain imaging and cognitive neuroscience. I've read the literature, but it's not the same as hands-on experience. I'd be pleased for the chance to discuss possibilities with you.

Attached is my CV. For more information about my research and activities, take a look at my research website [URL] .

One project I'm planning to get started this fall is [longitudinal study, along with brief description]. A draft proposal for the project can be found at [URL].

I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,
Articulate

Hi Articulate, I think there's a lot of potential fits between your research and the research interests of people involved in humanities-brain links at Rocket U. You may also want to get in touch with Tam Suzuki, who is a faculty member in the [Not-really-up-my-alley] program, as he has broad interests along these lines as well.

I'm out of town this weekend in Southern City, but am back next week if you're around, or we could chat via phone. In general, the brain imaging research community at Rocket U. is very open and so would be welcoming to your research interests.

Best,
Pat

Dear Articulate,

I've now had a chance to look over your CV and website and discuss things with people here. Unfortunately, I don't think that I could offer you a position in my lab. There are two main reasons for this: I'm already pretty much full (both space and funding-wise), and your background does not have sufficient math, programming, and biology so that it would be quite difficult to do studies of the kind my lab is involved in (which require those background skills). Otherwise, your work indeed sounds fascinating, and I wish I had the resources to branch out to encompass it, but at this stage I do not.

With best wishes,
Anton

Meantime, the Rocket Scientist has talked with HR at RC. Their take is maybe spousal support is commonplace in academia, but they've got nothing to offer. The letter from Rolio was a bit of a downer on a rather marvelous couple days. No matter. It's not going to get me down. I am going to start my longitudinal study willy-nilly once we're settled (oh... didn't I say?, we've decided to move). I'm going to continue working up abstracts and talks for conferences. I'm going to continue to submit articles for publication. I have quite a backlog of talks and papers to re-edit and send off. And I'm going to get moving again on both the NEH proposal work, and another [Field 2] project that I started earlier this year, but haven't done much with for a few months.

Damn it! I'm here to stay, whatever it takes. And if I become an independent scholar, so be it. Get Famous! That's my motto now.

Submitted, today

I clicked send. It was an article I had submitted a couple years ago to another journal [Field 1/subfield 1]. This time I submitted it to a [Field 1/subfield 2] journal, where perhaps it better fits. It's a short one, in stark contrast to my most recent 20,000+ words publication, under 5000 words this time. It's a theoretical paper, simple and direct, addressing some definitions of terms essential for clear methodological choices in the field.

The earlier submission had been the second one to this particular second-tier journal in my field. The first had been an exposition of a relatively new domain of research (which had been the subject of the panel I had organized in Belgium). It was rejected out of hand, which quite discouraged me. The second article had been submitted after a former professor of mine had taken over the helm as editor. He was polite, but thought it wasn't ripe enough to be published, and that possibly the fuller version might be more appropriate for certain other journals.

I can't say I have a high confidence level that the article will be accepted without major revisions, but I wanted to get something out there. Hopefully, I'll get some good feedback even if it is rejected. And, with a little luck, I'll get a "revise and resubmit" order, giving me some drive to move ahead.

There's always more to be done. I'm still coasting in neutral, wondering which way to turn, which path to tread. I feel like I'm almost capable of lurching in any number of directions, successfully landing on the best option. But that almost keeps staring me in the face.
________________________________

And, on a somewhat unrelated subject: we still haven't fully decided to move. Last night, my wife and I began drafting a response to the offer from Rocket Central. We've largely settled on the tack that we should at least make it clear that the only way she could commit to being there for the long haul would be if I were to land some sort of a post to continue my work in [Field 1] & [Field 2] studies. They are affiliated with (administered by) a University. There must be options.

One thing I realized last night, in conversation with my wife, was the following scenario:

• She accepts the offer at RC.
• We move, accepting the relocation benefits, which require her to remain for at least a year.
• I remain without strong or permanent affiliation, thus continue to actively pursue research and faculty opportunities.
• I receive an offer for employment somewhere (either where she can also work, or because the post is so ideal I can't turn it down)
• Then I'm left with either having to accept an offer, without the ability for my wife to pursue employment in the area at least until she'd fulfilled her promise, or being inclined to turn it down because of the difficulties it would present to our family life. Would I be able to accept a post under those circumstances, where I would either need to commute (possibly a great distance) for an uncertain period of time?

The point is, our main goal at the moment is to find a place to settle (at least for 3-5 years) where we can both pursue our careers. Further, one of the attractions of the possible move is the prospect of buying a house again. Yet the housing market in that area is still greatly inflated, and itching for a crash. If we bought, we'd have to buy low (meaning offers significantly below asking, and the likelihood of a long home search).

Such is the life of a family.

The planet is achanging

In other news, Pluto becomes a "dwarf planet," along with Ceres and Xena.

It's time

Dear [Field 1 Acquisitions Editor for Publisher],

It's been a while since we met in Belgium at [International Field 1 Conference] to discuss possibilities regarding [Subject of a Conference Panel I had organized and chaired]. I'm now finished with my PhD and well-ensconced as a post-doctoral researcher in the area of [Field 1] & [Field 2] Studies, including the study of [conference panel subject]. I wanted to make contact with you again, as I am now prepared and committed to dedicate a good deal of time to writing, and would like to discuss the possibility of publishing my work with [Publisher].

The first prospect is my dissertation, [Title], which focuses on [Topic], dealing both with the historical matters of [specific historical focus] as well as more timeless questions regarding perception and the relationship of [Field 1] to [Field 2]. (The complete document can be downloaded from [URL] on my PRW. The target audience is scholars in [Field 1/subfield 1] and [subfield 2] interested in 19th & 20th Century subjects, including [interdisciplinary area] and [Field 2 scholars] involved with the [Field 2 focus area]. An abbreviated and updated version of this work was recently published as the lead article in [Journal Name] and can be found online at: [Journal URL]

The timing is perfect to publish this as a book, as two separate related projects are currently underway by [European Country where I did my Fulbright year] scholars: the first by the [Foundation Name] to publish a complete edition of [focus of the dissertation]; the second by a group at [University] and the [Archives] to digitize the entire collection, facilitating further research. In addition, I am encouraged that [Field 1] & [Field 2] Studies is a fast emerging area of research.

There are several upcoming conferences in 2007 which focus on this area. One is at [Big Name Old University] in the UK, next May; another in August is the third Conference on Interdisciplinary [Field 1 studies] to be held in [Northern European Country]. Further, there is increasing interest from [Field 2] and from interdisciplinary groups interested in the cross-sections between [various research areas]. I recently presented a talk at [Conference Name] in Edinburgh, and anticipate giving another such paper at the annual meeting of the German Society of [Field 2] in [German City], this coming Winter.

I am currently engaged in a group of projects, dealing with different aspects of [Field 1] & [Field 2] Studies, each of which I expect to turn into publications. I will shortly begin gathering data for a longitudinal study of the [focus of study] to document and test questions regarding the impact of [data points] on the cognitive development of infants and children, correlating the inputs from earliest life to the children's later [Behaviors]. This is the first such study to include [Field 1] and [Field 2] on an equal footing.

Another project, currently under consideration for a grant by the National Endowment for the Humanities, is a follow up to my dissertation work. Using [topic of dissertation] as a jumping off point, I am surveying the history of [subject], and developing a system usable for [Field 1] & [Field 2] in order to best facilitate comparisons across these domains.

One area that I wish to help develop in [Field 1/subfields 1 & 2] studies is the [description of methodological shift]. I gave preliminary presentations of this work at the joint Southern/Nothern California meeting of the SOD, and as the invited speaker for the [Field 2] Colloquium at the University of Paradise both last May. The material under consideration included [description of materials].

Last March, I created a website dedicated to the integrated study of [Field 1] and [Field 2] [URL of PRW], which has steadily received 10-20 visitors a day since inception. I am thus encouraged that a growing audience exists for this work. Attached you will find a current copy of my CV. Please let me know if any of these projects pique your interests and seem appropriate to [Publisher]. I look forward to hearing from you. Perhaps I will see you in November at SOD in [City Name]?

Best regards,

Articulate

Not all waiting.

Did more cleaning and "purging" today. Cleared out the back hallway entirely, sorted through a bag full of stuff from my Fulbright year abroad. Finally got that sorted, and tossed what I don't want to keep. Pulled several boxes out of the backmost closet; some scrapbook stuff of my wife's (she can sort that); quite a few pictures that we ought to give away; a box full of old (mostly antique) cameras that my dad had been collecting, that I may be ready to part with now; some odd metal music boxes (also my dad's) that I definitely am ready to part with.

If we do move (which is quite likely) purging will help us become and stay more limber. Can't say how long we'd stay. No telling. At least a year (at least the family would stay the whole time) since my wife's relocation package would require that. It's hard to act "as if" even though I'm not ready to give up the applying. I did some internet searching today, looking into possible corporate positions. My heart is really in the research. I like teaching, but it's simply not in my hands to decide that right now.

So, the research has to be my focus. Is there a place in the corporate world for my research? Don't know. Could I get venture capital or a corporate grant to get moving ahead, with the contract that offers "first right of refusal" to any patentable work? The onus now rests squarely on me to figure all that out. Could be fun. I long most of all these days for a little stability, a little certainty about where I am and where I'm going.

For now... it's patience!

Back in town, ready to move on

Tick tick tick. I feel too much of my life of late has been spent just waiting for something. I'm one of those people who'd rather take the longer route, if it means not having to wait in traffic or at lights. I'm not much of a waiter.

It looks like the decision to move has mostly been made. Mostly, I say, because anything is possible, and because unfortunately, the choice to move is not an ideal one. Ideal would find both me and the Rocket Scientist happily and meaningfully employed in the same geographic area, and allow us to settle down for the next several years, cultivating a garden, building a treehouse with my sons, plugging away in my chosen field.

I've little or nothing to keep me here, but nothing yet in my corner where we're likely going. I will continue to pursue things in many directions at once, even if I've decided to forego an administrative career at this stage in my life. Easy to say when I've chosen not to apply.

Just now, as much as I hate it, I'm waiting. I'm waiting to be sure where we will be in the fall. I'm ready to get started on my longitudinal project, whatever it takes (but it will take a modicum of geographic stability). I just need a place to work, an office of sorts, some quiet and remove. The rest will come. I'll make sure of it.

Golden check-in

Here in Golden, visiting friends. Really, really nice. Friends are good. I didn't mention it before, among the things I found in my box of wonders was a Christmas card from 1993 from a friend whom I confess I had forgotten. But, from the letter, we must have been pretty good friends. So, I looked her and her husband up. I found an email, and sent her a blast from the past (without admitting that I really couldn't recall her). She wrote:

Wow! Hi Articulate. I'm totally thrilled to hear from you! I've actually been thinking about trying to track you down myself...you were always one of my favorite people at [Final Undergraduate School].

I'm so pleased to be renewing old friendships, even if it'll take me a few contacts to refresh my memory. So many moves, so many friendships faded. It's time for me to renew them, time to replenish my youthful exuberance, my dreams, my passions.

I don't know what the next few years will bring. But I'm determined to not lose myself. Life is just simply too good.

Be well, my friends. Many of you I will meet some day. In the meantime, I will enjoy my trip, and I will find a way to shine brightly again.

Flying to the mountains soon

We'll be leaving for the airport soon. I hate to leave you, my friends, with the down post of yesterday night. I will endeavor to enjoy these days, visiting friends in the mountains and the valley. And I will smile as my wife recounts her own success, and as my friends ask and tell about life.

Exciting things are afoot. Change is good. Even if we stay (the decision is ours alone), it is wonderful to be steering our own course, to be standing side by side in this tour of life, and finding direction from outside, even when the storms blow in swirls within.

I wish I knew

I wish I knew how to express my joy and delight in other's success in the face of my own repeated and ignoble failure. I wish I could convey that I truly believe that the triumphs others achieve reflect their own merits and worth, that everything they receive is in measure of all that they contribute, that they indeed deserve it. I don't really want them to feel too overly lucky in comparison. It's not really fair. It's not simply luck. Success is not the result of random chance.

I wish that I could say all those things, and have them be believed, despite the sinking depths of my own despair that the same can not be said on my behalf. I wish I could truly allow others to understand that my own depression (while motivated by circumstance) has little or nothing to do with comparisons to their own opposing circumstance.

I dread to be with friends who I know will ask me, in all good meaning, how things are going, and what I am up to these days. I need to practice the art of talking about others lives without mentioning my own.

Tonight, my wife said that she had hoped I would work with a career coach in part because she feels she can no longer be my counselor. I will fall silent. I am the turtle in my shell. But I will hide myself too much I fear. Perhaps. But maybe I will clamp shut just enough, avoid discussions of the things that bring me down, long enough for the circumstances to possibly change.

It is always up and down. Fake it 'til you make it, I guess.

Decision time

The Rocket Scientist finally got her call back from HR at Rocket Central. She has a verbal offer (they explain they'll put nothing in writing until they have a verbal acceptance and a tentative start date). The offer is basically dead even on salary with what she's pulling in now (though we suspect the cost of living is somewhat cheaper there, at least housing is almost assuredly so).

We head to Denver for about a week tomorrow morning (lots of vacations this summer, much more than I'm accustomed to). So, we'll have time to think. [Anyone in the area want to meet up?]

My gut says, new is good. My head tells me maybe it's time to be out from under the spell of the University of Paradise. Cut the umbilical cord so to speak. There's little here (professionally) to keep me. But there's nothing for me yet there. I've sent out feelers, but I've got nothing in return.

Downside is, we might find ourselves in the same position in a year. Maybe I'll have an offer in hand, and we'd have to consider yet another move, or I'd be commuting to who-knows-where. Yet, that's down the road. It might be the same if we stayed here. I'm always the one who's game for change. The Rocket Scientist is a bit more cautious by nature. In part, it reflects our upbringing. She lived in two homes before she went to college, having moved from a condo into a house when she was about 4. Me? Well, I lived at least 8 different places before college, but bear in mind, I started college at 15. Then I moved another 7 times (we're talking cities here, not households, that'd be about double I guess) before meeting her.

Professionally the decision is hers but I think her leaning in that regard is clearly on the side of change. Her present employer (at least in this location) is making weird moves, leading rumors to fly that they may be shutting down this facility in the next year. Right now, we're in a good position for a move, other than the likelihood that I won't find permanent work in the area, meaning either a commute for me, or another upheaval for the family in a year or so. Who knows?

Decisions decisions.

Another page from the box

Found in the same box of wonders I wrote about yesterday. This is undated, but I'm guessing it was from around 2000-2002, before my first son was born.

The things I want in life
- Close, intimate, honest companionship
- To raise a happy family with the Rocket Scientist
- To give to my family, friends, and community
- Leisure to enjoy the simple pleasures in life:
     - good food
     - nature
     - music
     - reading
     - theater
- To always be learning
- To be a part of education, and forwarding human knowledge
- To know that my life is a positive mark on the history of humankind
- Good health
- Simple comforts
     - expenses without worries
     - comfortable furniture
     - lighting
     - plants

Not too much really. And, on most counts, I've succeeded. In any case, I'm not too far off track.

Nostalgia, life, and time

First, a poem that I had completely fogotten, and don't recall having written, but whose handwritten form and style is unmistakably mine (undated, but likely from around 1995).

Birth and Old Age

No,
     not like the old lady
          at a hundred and three,
          who stands on her porch,
          and smiles...
          through the gape in her teeth,
          and cackles ...
          as only old lades,
               at a hundred and three,
                    can cackle,
          at a stranger passing by,
          unsuspecting,
          on the walk that fronts her house for the past eighty years,
          and says,
               with as much a glint
                    as the eye of an old lady,
          at a hundred and three,
               can manage to glint,
          "You know? Today I am a hundred and three,"
          as much to herself,
               as to the passerby,
          as much of disbelief as belief,
          as much to the wood paneling
               of her walls for the past eighty years,
          as to anything alive,
          and falls off silent,
          nothing much more to say ...
               than that.

No,
          not like her.

No,
          when I am old,
               and I shall stand on my porch,
          and glint,
               and smile,
                    and gape,
                         at a passerby,
                              unsuspecting of my life
                                   or my intent,
          I shall say,
               "You know? Today I am a day old,
               This is the day I am born!"

My wonderful wife reminded me over the weekend of the full form of the motto we once recited together, the latter half of which I've mentioned here before: Live each day as if it were your first, with the wide-open wondering eyes of a child.

I was cleaning up this weekend. There is a box, in a back hallway, that has been sitting since we moved in, more than a year ago, gathering dust, the top half opened, awaiting my attentions. On top, were oversized x-rays of the progress of my father's invasive bone metasteses from the prostate cancer that slowly killed him, over three excruciating years. I finally put them, gently, into the waste bin. What am I to do with them now?

Underneath, was a box full of papers, writings, essays, letters, poems. I began sorting through them, tossing only but a tiny portion of pages, random notes which have lost their meaning. I spent a good long time rereading letters sent to and received from lovers past. I smiled at it all. The love was true, even if the pain that accompanied those relationships was as well. They formed me as much as any school I attended, or job I held. They are a part of my life. It is good to remember.

And I smiled at my life today as well. I saw in my scribblings from years ago, a desire to be happily settled in a relationship, to have children. Those were goals I had held from my earliest memory. And, I am there on both counts. 38 years is not so old, and yet it is a long time to have gathered experiences and memories. There are so many lives there. Sad, reading over letters received and postcards, there are so many "close friends" whom I have entirely forgotten, unable to draw forth an image of their faces, unable to hear their voices in my head. I read their words, and wonder what ever happened. Why have I forgotten them? Why did I let our friendship fade? Except of course the lovers, whom I recall in vivid detail, despite the time that has passed. I can almost smell them, feel their skin, touch their hair, hear their laughter.

There is something cleansing about reading over an over "I love you" written by different hands. It is validating of its own truth, though past. I do not long for those days, but I am happy I had them, that I was able to share them, to experience them. There is pain in the passions of a teenager and a twenty-something. But there is also glory and wonder. At least for me there was. It is good to remember.
___________

So now we wait. My wife received a voice mail from Rocket Central on Friday, but was unable to reach them after lunch. She should speak to them today. She and I talked and talked, and walked on the beach, and had dinner, and made love, and talked more about today and tomorrow and the next few years, and life, and careers, and family.

Whatever the next few weeks bring should have a major impact on what we do over the next year or two or three. We may choose to stay here, holding out for yet one more season. We'll set our exit strategy in place. We are not stuck. The wheel is firmly in our hands, even if we let loose the sails a bit, to see which way the winds will turn our vessel. The heading is ours to decide, ours to recover if the wind's choice is not to our liking.

As High Valley remains unapplied for

Tasse,

You always have a way to make me smile. Ah... so the grass is always greener on the other side, but the other side keeps shifting positions, eh? As for the dean's post, there's nothing for you to do. They'll contact you if I'm on the short list (assuming I go through with the application).

Sure, it's tough to let go of my ego, to hold onto silence as my friend, to single-mindedly pursue my work in the face of repeated failure to attain what it is I think I seek.

I'm trying to keep that 5-10 year goal in mind. Three years is a long time, at least long if I don't know the direction. To some extent it feels like the last 6 haven't gotten me any closer to my goal. Of course, in sober moments, I know that can't be true... I'm just stuck (for a time) in Xeno's paradox: I'm closer, yet it's still out of reach.

Back to your three-year fellowship. What would I do with my time? Partly, I would work on publications and presentations. I'm doing that, perhaps not as much as I would be, if I could simply let go of my worries.

In part however, the projects I wish to work on (like my [Longitudinal Study]) require a bit more stability than I have at the moment. The [Field 2 project I've been working on periodically since finishing the diss] and my [crossover project (the NEH grant)] are things I could be working on more.

I would like also to hone up my knowledge and experience in brain imaging, with the hope that I can bridge some gaps between the humanities and the sciences. I've read a good deal of the neuroscience literature relevant to x & y studies.

Collaborating with researchers in that domain (even unpaid) would give me more street cred with that crowd, and just as importantly, would help rebuild my confidence level, which I confess has been shot through from the experience of this past year or so. Let go, but keep my eyes open. Maybe that perfect job is just around the corner.

I'm with you Tasse. Thanks for sticking by me. I do wish I better understood the machinations that go into hiring decisions. Even if I let go of worrying now, I do eventually wish to land a post. The Leprechaun paints a picture of fearfully conservative committees rejecting nearly out of hand anything new or unusual. Mike Horowitz says that's how mediocre departments work, but not the outstanding ones. Yet, he adds: "Victory goes to the bull-shitters. Get the job first, then do your work." [SIGH]

Well, I'm here, and I'm staying on the path. I'm too damn stubborn to give up now.

Enjoy,
Articulate

Dear Articulate:

Make your inquiries the center of your professional life. As long as you feel you're learning, and as long as you keep thinking and writing, none of the employment stuff matters. At many of the places you could get hired, you'd "grow old quickly" teaching sections of intro to [Field 1] or elements of [Field 1] for dummies. I know how much you want to find something, but it will come when it will come. You don't want to be like the girl who marries the first guy who looks at her and spends the rest of her life regretting it.

In our fields eventually the work one does speaks for itself. Focus on doing exciting things, try to imagine important journals, etc. etc. and keep moving forwards. Damn man, when you do get your interview, you want to project the notion that you are perfectly happy doing what you are doing, and that while you'd consider their job, you don't need it. You'll be more relaxed, and even more impressive.

Cheers,
Tasse

Tasse Plein
Professor and Chair, [Field 1]
Big Eastern Private University

(Un-)sheltered childhood

Prof. Me's recent posting got me thinking. I too am a parent who tries not to shelter my sons from reality. I'm the type of father who simply can't resist showing them the way to do things, open cabinets, turn on machinery, even if I know I may regret the results. But I figure knowledge is to be shared, and better they learn under my supervision, so I know they know how to do something, than they discover on their own, while I'm not watching.

She mentioned 9/11/01. I found this note hidden away on my computer. The Painter was but two months into gestation at that point.

Wednesday, September 12, 2001

To my yet-unborn child:

I sit here and wonder what kind of world this will be for you to be born into. And yet I know that the world is as it ever has been. And even people are as they have always been. Mostly good, some strong, some weak, a few exceptional in any way. And among those few exceptions, there are those whose actions lead us to conclude they are evil. This week we have seen the consequences of this apparent evil.

And all the while, you float in the protective chamber of your mother’s womb where you grow, unknowing of these things in the outside world. I told your mother that I think her most important job right now is tending to your growth and birth. She agreed. Many have often despaired of the conditions of our world, going so far as to forego pregnancy, in the thought that this is no kind of a world to bring another life into. But I take a different tack: the world needs more good people. It is our fondest hopes, designs and expectations that you will come to be among those needed good people.

When I was a child, my parents, your grandparents, taught me that my life had a purpose: to make the world a better place for my having lived. At times this purpose has been a burden, and yet an unshakable one, because I have ever felt that such a purpose was my duty. In Hebrew, an ancient language of some of your ancestors, there is a phrase tikkun olam, which means “heal the world”. It is a long-standing heritage that I pass on to you. Guard it well, and don’t despair if at times it seems an unbearable task. It is yours for life, just as it remains mine for as long as I live. I hope in both case that that shall be a long time yet to come.

As I hope to raise you, I will try not to trouble you with so much of the evil and sadness and grief of this world. I will attempt to fill you with wonder and love and hope instead. If at times I fail, please forgive me. That is why we need you, my child, to improve on us, and to bring your own unique perspective, grown of your experience in life.

I love you,

Your Father (yet-to-be)