Good coaching this morning. I've been feeling a bit down lately, having the flu (or whatever) hasn't helped. Whatever the au pair had has infected me as well, though I've been managing it alright with OTC medicine, and lots of fluids.
But really, I've been beating myself up. I think of BrightStar's recent post. When I'm nice to myself ... when I'm not so nice...
Earlier in the week, I realized that what makes me happy these days is actually doing the work I've chosen for myself, the analysis and such that I hope in the short term will work to the benefit of forgery. I get gassed up thinking about these things. Diving into my analysis, my mind overflows with questions, problems, possible solutions, alternate avenues. This is what I live for.
Paul talks of making it easy for myself. I told him about the SOD rejection letter, and explained that I felt that was a last straw in a sense, that unless something dramatically changes, I don't expect to renew my membership, or to attend their conferences again. I said I've been beating myself up for years, trying to "get" this audience. But right now, I just don't care anymore. I don't get them; they don't get me. Perhaps I sound bitter. I don't wish to be bitter, I just want to move on.
You don't sound bitter to me. You just sound like someone who is coming to grips with not wanting to fight anymore. You don't need to. Make it easy on yourself. Do what comes naturally. Do what you enjoy. And when you're feeling good from your work, your analysis or whatever... that's when you pick up the phone and make a new contact.
I mentioned that I have this addiction to feedback. What's it mean when someone says "no" to you?
No? That's easy. It means I can move on to the next thing. It's when they say nothing that it pisses me off.
So, what's with that? What's with you and feedback? What does it mean when someone is silent?
It means they don't give a damn. I'm simply not important to them.
So it's all about you. What's the truth? The truth is they have lives too. It's not about you. It's about them, about where they are in life, what they need, what they want. But where does it hit you, physically, when you're ignored?
Hmm... I'll tell you where it takes me. It takes me to the playground in elementary school, when I was the last kid picked for the team.
Aha! Okay, so now we're getting somewhere. Now you've identified the personality trait that's running the show in this. (I've got that kid too, inside of me.) But that six-year old isn't good at running your business, is he? You've been beating him up like the bullies did to you. Don't beat him up. Tell him you'll take care of him. Tell him he'll be alright What do you want to say to him?
You can be on my team.
There you go! Let him on the team. Just don't let him run your life.
Now, I need to settle with forging ahead for the next few months, accepting (as a poem I once wrote put it) "time takes time". Either this will work, or it won't. I've got little to lose in trying it, and much to gain, either way.