If you're still around

Dear friends,

If you're still around, please visit my new blog: ofi/ofo.

Head poke

Just poking my head in. As you must have surmised... I'm on blog hiatus. I've let my bloglines reading lapse (over 300 messages taunting me), and I've let my voice here go silent.

I'm in transition, seeking a new path for my current trajectory, and a fuller understanding of just where I'm headed. I've contemplated starting a new blog, for my new self, letting PhDBlue fade as a closed chapter of my life. But is it closed? I suppose, one can always reopen a chapter, reread the lines.

Last night, Rocket and I were talking. I spoke of some of my new fantasies. Not necessarily fantasies about if and when I reach great success. But ... well, I said there's a part of me that would be happy to take a job like the one in Beautiful Nowhere, settle down to being a professor, buy a small farm, raise chickens, grow vegetables, open a little restaurant or B&B, can my own jams and sauces, sell them, on days I don't feel like being elsewhere.

She said, you know, it's okay to have different parts of your self, and to let them come out. It's okay to be complex, and to appreciate that complexity.

So, just now, I'm trying to settle in for the long haul that my current projects require. The screenplay will take me sometime. If I can "sell" the idea, it will take even longer to realize. And my analysis: I'm trying to do something quite different with Applied Research Field than has been done. I'm trying to look at things in a way that has been overlooked. And I'm trying to learn as much as I can about what has been done, and how, so that I can piece together many of the tools that are currently available. No need to reinvent the wheel, when I just wish to make a better chassis.

If I do start a new blog, I'll let you all know. Meantime, friends, thank you for being there these past couple years. And thank you for your patience with me as I enter my cocoon. Who knows? Maybe life as a butterfly awaits.

So far behind

I'm so far behind on reading your blogs my friends. Friendship... that's a hard one for me. I'm moved around so much in my life. I've lost more friends, than many people ever know. But I admire those whose friendships last. I'd like to be one of them.

I'm a rather social being, outward, obvious. I have a way of making myself known, and knowing people. To some extent, I think it arose out of my early childhood experiences. I had a terrible time in elementary school, in part because of a bully I thought was my best friend in second grade. I was also almost a year younger than most of the kids, and smaller. Long story. But the upshot is, I learned to navigate the murky waters of cliques by always being a satellite, never in enough to be expelled, never out enough to be ignored. And this technique allowed me to have several groups of friends. But it also kept me somewhat of an outsider.

That sense has lived with me ever since. I've wrapped it up with my self-identity as a secular Jewish American.

All that said, I don't wish to lose the friendships I have developed here. Many of you have been a crucial part of my path from there to here. I've been blogging for nearly a year and a half. Your companionship has been my life raft. But I fall silent a bit lately.

In many ways this silence is a good thing. Beneath the derma of my extroversion, lies a skeleton of self-reflection, quietude. I've been busy lately. Busy with my work. That has been good. I'm not really miserable anymore. Sure, there are slips. But I'm steering again, no longer adrift in the waves without a rudder.

But steering takes more concentration than I've given it. And that takes time away from other things. I hope you will not mind my slowly catching up on your lives, my likely commenting on some posts late in the game.

I am still here. In fact, I'm back like I haven't been in years. As they say in Czech: Drž se, přátele. Jasně, se držím.*

* [NB: This translation can not do justice to the original]
Hold on, my friends. Clearly, I will.

On the road again

Tomorrow morning, Rocket, the Painter, the Inventor, the au pair and I all head to the airport to spend about a week visiting my mom for part of Passover. Happy Pesach to all appropriate parties. And... I'm so looking forward to my first blogger meet up with a virtual friend!

Life is pretty good right now.

Funny thing happened today. Recall that I had mentioned how I had decided to forgo applying for the one-year post at the local big university, until I got a call back yesterday. After my talk with their former chair yesterday, I left a message for the current chair (contact for the posting), just to touch base with him.

Sometime this morning, I realized woops! the priority deadline for the posting was April 1. Hmmm... what to do? Then, I got a call back from the current chair, who said they received a letter of recommendation (electronically) from Tasse Plein this morning. (Tasse sent me a copy... lovely, really lovely!). Current chair mentioned that the deadline had officially passed, but said they'd accept my materials if I sent them electronically today, which I did.

It feels good to have applied, and we'll see what comes. I'm in a good place now, not needing this, really. Though I'd still be pleased to consider an offer.

Be well, my friends. I might be posting lightly the next week or so.

Putting together a team

Below is a note I sent my coach yesterday, and some of his response this morning. For those of you playing along at home, I realize you may be wondering who this guy is who has hijacked the blog. You might not recognize me as much anymore. I've been huddled in the corner, muttering to myself and anyone who'd listen, for the past two years. Funny, the corner hasn't gotten any larger, warmer, or better lit, nor the audience any more appreciative. And now you see me, center stage, with a megaphone.

Is the purpose for this blog coming to an end? Am I finding the rainbow at the end of the blue? I don't know. It's a rollercoaster. Classic manic-depressive perhaps. Right now, I'm up, and I'm not particularly looking forward to a crash. One thing I know for certain: there's no going back.

Before I go to the interactions with Paul, let me give you the bullet points. Yesterday, I sent off a few notes to people I know in [Applied Research Field] to find out what I could about who might be working on [specific goal]:

• Frank Mayer wrote: "I don’t recall knowing of anyone in the community who’s focusing on [specific goal]. Sorry."
• Meredith Binowitz wrote: "Good to hear from you. I don’t KNOW of anyone actively working on that but I imagine that Contrafazzione and Subtle Products have seriously considered it."
• Mauricio Huppman (from Subtle Products, remember) wrote: "I have never come across anything like this. I'll copy our forgery product manager in case this rings any bells with him."
• I also sent an email to Drew Davidson from Steel Industries. I haven't heard back from him yet.
  
• Also, wrote a couple weeks ago on a different matter to some people from Contrafazzione, whom I met at [Industry Conference West]. I haven't heard back from them yet either. But I suspect if they were working on it, another one of these players would have heard something.

Hi Paul,

Yesterday and today, I've been thinking about pulling together a team. I realize that one of my biggest laments of late is being alone, inventing it all by myself. What it is, seems to be morphing. But I feel a major shift going on inside of me, from wanting a job, wanting someone to hire me, to guide me, to direct me, to being the one in charge, to creating the challenge, pulling together the people, summoning the inspiration.

I've begun to think of myself as directing an effort to transform [Applied Research Field]. I'm thinking of a Manhattan Project for setting the industry ahead. I have latched on to this challenge of [specific goal] as a motivator for change. Progress in the domain of forgery and certification has been slowed by the ever-more-limited scope of those working on the problems. If they won't have me on their team, perhaps it's time to form my own. (Some of this may sound like the Runt asserting himself, but it doesn't feel like a six year old's ideas and plan.)

I feel an urge to draw a disparate crew of people, from various backgrounds, together in attacking the problems. I've made a few phone calls, or sent emails, as feelers. I feel the drag of waiting for them to get back to me. But I'm doing my best not to worry about it. I've been diving into the work as well, the analysis, and some brainstorming for the sorts of tools I'll need to make this a reality.

I'm thinking of trying to pull together a sort of brainstorming retreat, that I would sponsor, to get the various people together for a few days, away from distractions. I'm thinking maybe I could rent a condo or cabin somewhere, for three or four days. I'd put them up. If I can swing it, maybe I'd even get them tickets (I've got about four frequent flyer tickets, so it might not be such a deal). We're not talking a great many people, on the order of 5 or 6. I'll have to look over the budget, and discuss details with Rocket before moving ahead, but I think it's doable. The idea would be to see if such a hodge-podge could congeal into a team, capable of forming a company. What would it take to get them all moving as a team? What would it take to get all of us salaries, and an office, and the necessary equipment? Is that a business plan? The next problem (next?) would be getting the startup cash to get moving. Where do I go for that? No idea.

Rocket's a bit taken aback with the whirlwind of my thinking. As she admits, she's slower to change than I. Am I changing too much, too fast? I'd been thinking about [specific goal] as a longer term project, 5-10 years to start up a company. But I'm thinking now that it will take some time to develop the product; why wait to get started? What have I really to gain? The point is, I think the problems will be solved by getting a crew of dedicated and intelligent people together. I could work slowly, gaining knowledge of what others are doing, but that might not help me much. Or, I could forge ahead with cultivated naivety, forgetting to ask whether any of this is possible. Sometimes, even the impossible is possible.

The one thing I've made clear to Rocket is that the one thing I will not risk losing is my family, is her, and my boys. She understands that, and accepts it. She really doesn't know what to make of me right now, but I think she's behind me, understanding that we've got far more to gain, than to lose.

Enjoy,
Articulate

Good Morning Articulate,

Wow! Some exciting stuff here. Responses below.

-->the Runt asserting himself<--
The "runt" may or may not be asserting himself. You may or may not be making a choice that let's the runt know that you will take care of him. The key is to make sure that you are not doing this to right the wrongs that were done to that runt....or to get back at the people who did those wrongs. That's an adrenaline fueled decision..it will exhaust you in the long run. It doesn't seem to me like this is the case, but keep an eye on it. Motivation matters. What's yours?

-->Where do I go for that? No idea.<--
Me neither, but we'll figure it out. This is how big things start. Couple of people sit in an office and say...."No idea, let's get started." Next thing you know, they're reviewing a marketing plan. Self promotion moment. If you decide to bring in a facilitator, please let me know so I can throw my name in the hat. Seriously, I love doing this type of stuff. Really juicy for me...and I'm pretty good at it if I do say so myself. OK, back to you...

-->cultivated naivety ... Sometimes, even the impossible is possible.<--
Pay attention to this: How can I use this experience to fuel my career ambitions AND create more peace and harmony in my home? Notice the emphasis on "and" in the questions. We often fall into the trap of believing that it's one or the other. Work satisfaction or harmony at home. It's not. You can have both.

Go get 'em, Tiger. This is exciting stuff.

Best, Paul

I think back to something Tasse Plein once said to me, that while I was sitting by the phone, miserably waiting for it to ring, it wasn't too much of stretch to imagine me avoiding the phone, in hopes to put off the decision between multiple offers a little while longer. All I can say is... time's have changed!

Fun with websearch

In emulation of Lilian's recent post, on Mama(e) in Translation, I just had to note this search:

faulty causation "pickles"

which linked to an archive of my posts from last October, including this post berating pop-science and this one discussing pickles. I do hope their next batch of pickles comes out okay.

How well do you know me?

As seen on the Clutter Museum:

Create your own Friend Quiz here

Tacky Schmacky

Tackiness be damned. I wrote earlier in the week of my dilemma regarding possibly lost emails. I decided, what the hell. There were only about a half dozen people whom I had written to in the past week or so from whom I had been expecting replies. I wrote them all brief notes this morning indicating that I had had some server problems earlier in the week, causing some senders to receive bounced email messages. I asked that they resend any emails that suffered that fate, apologized for the inconvenience, and said in any case that I looked forward to hearing from them. At least that's done.

Now, on to more analysis, new contacts, and working up my personal syllabus for life to send to my coach tonight. Rocket will be joining us for the coaching tomorrow for the first time. Tomorrow is one of her Fridays off, due to her 9/80 work schedule. I hope (and expect) the coaching will benefit her as well. She's been back and forth lately. It's been a not-so-great week for her at work, which means she's leaning more toward the dream of taking time off. But it's not so clear. I hope the joint coaching will help clarify matters.

Bloody Great!

I'm still waiting for my website and email server to come back up. I wondered will the email simply sit and wait, or will it be bounced as undeliverable? So, I sent a test message:

I'm sorry to have to inform you that your message could not be be delivered to one or more recipients. It's attached below.

For further assistance, please send mail to [postmaster]. If you do so, please include this problem report. You can delete your own text from the attached returned message.

The Postfix program
<articulate@prw.url>: Host or domain name not found. Name service error for name=prw.url type=A: Host not found 

Which, of course, means... the emails (if any) will simply be lost, and anyone who has attempted to contact me via email will discover that I no longer exist, will possibly have no other means to contact me, and [SIGH] who knows...

I wonder, how tacky would it be to email everyone I might have liked to have received email from to inform them (once the server comes up again, of course) that indeed there were email problems, but they have been resolved?

I think that's a rhetorical question, but the answer is probably, VERY! [SIGH] The problem is, I simply can't know who might or might not have emailed me during this interminable period, and sending a note to the 98% of people I would have liked to have heard from, but who most likely hadn't attempted to contact me would be... tacky.

Damn damn damn! It had to happen NOW, right? Ah well. It will pass, and life will go on. And if I lost contact with some people... let's hope there are occasions for me to renew that contact and let them know I still exist. All I can do really.

Vanished

This morning, I couldn't access my primary email account, which is on my Personal Research Website (PRW). I couldn't load up the site. Sometimes it goes down, unexpectedly. The host is cheap, but occasionally unreliable. Mostly however I'm quite satisfied. But it was down, for hours.

I finally called... and got a voice mail that said they only deal with emergencies via email, but fortunately a site being down qualifies as emergent. Also, fortunately, I have other email addresses off the PRW that I can access. They responded rather quickly... checking... then... your domain name has expired, please renew.

Apparently, my webhost sent 90-, 60-, and 30-day renewal notices... but I didn't get any of them. See, they had my old email address, one which was provided by our old ISP in Paradise, but since they don't service our area near Rocket City, we changed ISPs. I didn't think to check with them, and unfortunately, my permanent email forwarding address (at my first graduate institution) was set to forward to that old email as well. Aaarggh!

I wonder how many emails I've missed. Nothing for it, now. I renewed the domain name (I had prepaid for 2 years on the hosting contract, but the domain name was only registered for a year, I guess). But it may take "up to 72 hours to propagate worldwide," meaning, I suppose, that I may lose 3-4 days worth of emails. [SIGH]

Nothing for it. Let's just hope nothing important slips me by.

Industry Conference followups, Part I

The floodgates are open. There are so many emails going back and forth, perhaps it's easiest if I continue in that vein for a while. Yesterday, I sent off about a dozen followup contacts (desperately seeking to get back to everyone I met before I head overseas), many with copies of my resume, some simply to say "nice to meet you," others with much greater detail.

Among the most important contacts was Frank Mayer, who was my entry point to the event, an old hand in the industry, President of the principal industry professional association (which helped sponsor the event), a consummate schmoozer, and a wonderful and willing partner in my crime of introductions:

Frank,

I just want to thank you for your drive, enthusiasm, assistance, and patience with my testing the waters at [Industry Conference West]. It was an inspirational event for me, and I suspect a pivotal one for my career. I stand now fully convinced that this is the direction I wish to head. Your generosity of spirit was quite a gift to me, and for that I thank you.

Looking forward to many more interactions in the future. Hopefully, I'll have as much to offer you then, as you were kind enough to offer me these past few weeks.

FYI, I attach a copy of my resume. Do stay in touch. I'll be sure to let you know how things progress for me.

Yours enthusiastically,
Articulate

I confess "fully convinced" is a bit of hyperbole. Fake it 'til you make it, in a sense. But I am enthusiastic and excited about the prospects. The embers are glowing, but will they ignite the bonfire, only time will tell.

Articulate,

It was a delight to meet you, and I'm really glad you decided to invest in the trip to attend the conference. Even though you didn't mange to walk away with a job offer in your pocket, you've broken the ice on numerous fronts and I suspect it's only a matter of time -- a short amount of time -- until one of these turns into an opportunity for you. You made a lasting, positive impression on many folks, certainly me among them!

I look forward to staying in touch -- my business brings me out to [Rocket City area] periodically, and hopefully yours will bring you to the [Industry Conference East] in NYC in August. In 5 years I expect to be in the audience watching YOU at the podium, commenting to the person next to me, 'hey, I knew this dude when he was just struggling and out-of-work, and now look at him!'

Warmest regards,
Frank

Overwhelm

Apparently, I made a mistake in reporting that deadlines are useful for me. Yesterday afternoon, as I prepared to finish up and head home to be with the boys, I received an email from my coach, with a laundry list of tasks, with deadlines of today and tomorrow. Gaaack! Here is my reply:

Hi Paul,

First off... to clarify, I'm not someone who thrives on deadlines. That said, I find deadlines useful because they may help me prioritize tasks. I say may because sometimes a deadline is simply a break point for when I decide to forego a task rather than fulfill it. That in itself is useful, since it enables me to move on to something else, usually something I'm more committed to, or interested in.

I say these things because my initial reaction to your email yesterday afternoon, as I prepared to leave my office and spend time with the boys, was gut-wrenching. I feel a bit overwhelmed with the quantity of tasks (each one that properly will require energy and time) and the short deadlines you imposed. Partly, this is simply because I do have deadlines that are somewhat immutable at the moment. I'm taking an advanced language class (three hours of commuting on Friday), for which I have both assigned work, as well as an independent translating project, both of which I put on a back burner earlier this week, but which require a good deal of my time and energy today and tomorrow. I also have a conference in three weeks in Europe, for which I'm working up some analyses of data, which require a good deal of time, energy, and concentration.

I appreciate your pushing me, and I welcome your attitude that big changes lead to success. Let me spend a little time on the other tasks, regain my sense of control a bit, then tackle at least some of the tasks you've just given me by the deadlines you've set. I'll do my best to accomplish all of them in time, but I need to get to some other things first. And some of those tasks (like planning a vacation -- actually we have three trips we're planning this year) will require collaboration with my wife (and others whom we might visit), which means her time and energy as well.

This is only a little resistance to your requests, not rejection of them. On the action front, I worked up a flyer yesterday for my [Longitudinal Project], printed out a hundred copies, and distributed about half of them to various places I hope will net me volunteers. Last night, the Rocket Scientist and I talked a bit about priorities and our future. Seems like she is going through a bit of career crisis herself, and needs to talk a lot of this through, which is great, so we can dream and plan together.

/Articulate

--I wonder if all this self-report is useful to any of you, or whether it comes across as a bit too much navel-gazing on my part. Delurk, anyone?

New face

I have a habit. Every few months I grow or shave my beard. My mother sometimes jokes that there's only one beard in our family, but it migrates between the males.

In the midst of removing the facial hair, I often find it amusing to half shave, or try on different (silly) looks. I'll shave all but the middle of my side burns, or test out the tough-cool look of a tuft of hair below my lower lip. I'll shave only the middle of my mustache, and the middle of my chin.

My wife likes the look of my beard, but finds it normally too prickly, which often prompts me to shave, as it did a couple weeks ago. Nothing spoils a romantic moment like "ow... ouch!".

I thought I'd try a little face lift on the blog. I may play around with the look a bit, or I may be lazy and just leave it.

***Edited to add:
I modified the header as well. I have long thought the blog title would transform into PhD Rainbow at some point, as I transitioned from post-doc limbo to tenure-track. Ah, the hopes. I'm still on the market, but more inclined to self-define my mission, than continue waiting for the magic wand of a hiring committee. Articulate... it's your ship, damn it... so steer!

Will the real Articulate Dad please stand up?

Years ago, bored in the afternoons after school, latchkey kid that I was, seeking noise to accompany my silence, distraction to partner with my half-attentive homeworking, I would turn on the television. One of the shows I occasioned upon was "the Dating Game" from which the unforgettable phrase "will the real [name] please stand up" emerged.

The past month or so, visits to my PRW (personal research website) have rivaled or surpassed those to this blog. Which represents the real me? Both, of course. Both different sides of the real me. I think of Ahistoricality's comment to yesterday's post.

you put up less of a persona than most

I take that as a compliment. But I realize that what I share online is only part of me. This blog presents a side of me that needs to be released. I hope that by sharing the trials I am going through, others will see that they are not alone. But I am not entirely altruistic: I like to have a soap box, and I find that writing can't help purge my demons.

The PRW represents a side of me that is very real as well. The side my intellect most associates with, my work (or rather, part of it). I don't discuss personal issues there. Each compartment to its own function. Together they make (more of) the whole.

As many of my regular readers will know, a back-burner project of mine is a memoir of my father, including a collection of his writings. Back in July on a blog I keep dedicated to my father's writing, which serves in a way as a sketch for the memoir/collection I wish to eventually publish, I mused at how often we have on our shelves a collected works of one scholar/scientist/author or another, and how insignificant their life's work may somehow seem, when contained between the covers of a single book. The book, as we all know, contains only a part, but a recoverable, public part. The rest is lost in transience.

It is alright. Life is like that. Transience makes the day to day ever more precious. Something to remember.

Am I become a caricature of myself?

My friend on Acade(me) has decided to move on, leaving behind a parting post calling into question the honesty of her own and other's blogging of late. It's much for reflection.

What is the purpose of this blog? Has it fulfilled its aims? Is it still useful, to me or others? December 19 marks the anniversary of this blog, and my anniversary as a blogger. Perhaps the next two weeks will see me reflecting more and more on this space, its function in my life, and its impact on the lives of others.

I have seen many of my blogging friends move on from their ABD'dom to faculty or staff posts. I remain in many ways still where I was a year ago, in post-doc limbo. Somethings have changed, for sure, some external, some internal. But many of the questions, and doubts, and fears, and hopes remain little altered.

Much to reflect. We shall see.

It begins... ho hum

What's this all about? You'd think that after putting in the effort to get a PhD, there'd be something at the end of the tunnel, besides a handshake and a diploma. But mostly what I get is waiting...
...
...

Okay, that's a bit whiny. But that's what motivates me to muse out here in public. To get it all out. I think perhaps there are others dealing with this same frustration. Maybe by feeling part of a community we can all lighten our loads a bit.

No one said the PhD was a ticket to the fast lane, or the easy life. But it's exhausting everyday to check the hit count on my professional website, to see that yes, indeed, one or two or three more people have checked out what I do. But the phone still hasn't rung. Not this year in any case.

It's a long haul, and sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it. I finished the diss in March. It took more than three months to gather all the signatures from my committee, just in time to file in June, and graduate. Then, I waited for the job postings to start to appear. A couple early ones over the summer. A gig in New Zealand was the first. Of course, their Fall term begins in February. That remains the only rejection letter I've received so far this season.

Not a peep from anywhere else. It makes you wonder, will I go through yet another job season (this time with the PhD in hand) with nothing? I'm lucky though. My wife can support us. We've got two boys, ages three and one. We're comfortable, but we're not living the high life. But each day that goes by is a struggle with the blues or depression.

Not that I haven't had any interviews. I got three calls last year (while I was still writing the dissertation). One even landed me a campus visit. But no job. Real close. As luck would have it, the job went to a friend of mine. That's always a risk.

For me, with terribly interdisciplinary research, it feels like I'm in the middle of a vast ocean, and I'm not sure which direction to swim. I'm surrounded by possible boats or shores, but which one is the most promising? Until I get a phone call, and an interview, I just won't know. I've applied for jobs in two subdisciplines of my home field, as well for a few jobs in two related disciplines.

But for now... I just sits and waits.