Closing remarks

Hey Articulate- Was browsing around this morning and came across this. Thought you might find it interesting. Hope all is well. [Link to some software relevant to my new focus.]

-P

Hi Paul,

Thanks. Yeah, I think my next task is to invest a bit in some new computers and software. I think I'm going to take Drew up on his offer to make me a Linux box and provide me a copy of their new software, basically at cost. I priced a Sun Microsystems workstation with the minimum requirements at about $2500 or so, so I think Drew's offer is generous. And I'll probably take a couple of my contacts at Apple up on their offer to get me a discount on a new Mac.

I think I'm settled with the projects I've got started: three at present. I've got to learn what I can about what's out there in terms of the technology applications, and see if I can piece bits and pieces together to create a makeshift means for doing what I'd like. Hopefully, I'll have something to talk about and show around at Industry Conference in New York in August. I've also taken on the role of "acting president" of the California chapter of Applied Research Field Society, and will be working hard to get our first chapter meeting by the end of the summer.

Trip to Big West Private in a couple weeks [for a workshop whose keynote will be given by my friend Jon Levitz. Trip to the UK end of June. Trip to Chicago area (to visit Rocket's family, and look up some of my Applied Research Field contacts) in July. Then Industry Conference in August. Last week of August I start teaching part-time at Lemon University as well. Busy is good. Let's hope I can keep my focus.

By the way, thanks again. You know, Paul, what I've realized I needed was not you... it was me. You've helped me get me back. That's quite an accomplishment. And for that, I thank you.

/Articulate

Hey Articulate,

Keep me posted as you explore. Who knows? Maybe I'll show up somewhere you're at. And, as far as getting you back...you hit the nail right on the head with one small exception. You were never gone...some times the world just beats us up to the point that we forget we are there. The real accomplishment is yours...admitting that it had nothing to do with me. That it was in your hands the whole time...and always will be. Maybe some day, over a glass of wine or two, I'll tell you what it was like when the clouds gathered over my head. Three years in hell. The similarities to your story will blow you away.

Go get 'em, Tiger. Stay in touch...and keep gardening.

P

Thus ends one chapter, as another one begins.

Moving on

Hi Paul,

I'm feeling really good these days, comfortable with the uncertainties, and driven by my ideas. In prep for today's coaching, I want to give you a sense of where I am, and where I'm headed.

Sunday, Rocket & I had a wonderful dinner date at a local tapas bar. We got the chance to really talk through some of our hopes and fears, and most importantly to discuss what risks we're willing to take as we move ahead, and which things in our lives we wish to preserve. We came to an understanding that our bottom line financially is maintaining about six months' living expenses outside of retirement savings. Other than that, just about everything else is fair game to be invested in building a business.

Rocket is enjoying her work these days, and feeling committed to continuing a career, but the idea of freedom, the ability to take off if and when she chooses, whether to tend to a new baby, or what have you, is important. That untouchable six months or so in living expenses is a bedrock of sorts that will preserve that freedom for her. It also gives me a sense that it's okay to risk the overflow. Not, of course, that I'm heading to Las Vegas, or that I'll dump all the funds into hastily-executed trips or unreflective purchases of equipment. But it leaves me with what I consider a decent sum for moving ahead, while giving me a bottom line as a measure for when it might be necessary to change course. I'd say approaching that bottom line is at least a good year off, which frees me up to invest some time in bigger projects.

Also, I've been offered a part-time teaching gig at Lemon University, which will put a little more money in the coffers, and as I said before, give me the ability to test the waters in an academic career, build up more self-confidence in the classroom, and challenge me to connect these two aspects of my life (the academic and the applied). Fortunately, the schedule for teaching is light, and shouldn't be too much of a distraction.

I'm quite enthused about the current prospects. I've mapped out much of the next few months, through August. September I will begin my teaching gig just a few hours a week. My target is to have some demos ready for showing people at Industry Conference in New York in August. I've defined three specific projects that I'm working on at my startup firm. I've tentatively recruited my friend Eduardo Montana, a PhD candidate in [Field 2] at The University of Paradise to join forces with me once he files his dissertation this fall.

I've talked to Rocket about looking into some telecommuting, say one or two days per week. My hope is to move into a larger office some time in the next few months. We could set her up with a desk and a computer, where she could work when she's telecommuting. That'd save her about 1-1/2 hours commute each day, meaning more time with the family, which she wants, even without giving up time at work. There'd also be space for Ed to join us.

What I'm realizing these past few weeks, is that I'm regaining my sense of self. In a strange sort of way, while I acknowledge the great strides we've made together, and appreciate how much you've done for me in getting me unstuck, I think it's time for me to move on. What I most need now is simply to dig into the work, and rely on myself again. I begin to need less and less external approval, including yours, which is a wonderful place to be. What I'd like to do, after today's session, is take a hiatus from coaching for a while, to test the waters with my own buoyancy.

If you're willing, I'd like to keep open the prospect of getting back in touch in a month or so, to touch base, see how things are progressing, renew coaching if it seems appropriate then.

Let's have a great session today, and thank you!

/Articulate

A new sort of day

At noon, I have a conference call regarding setting up a new California chapter of Applied Research Field Society, which is the main organizational sponsor of the Industry Conferences. A couple weeks ago, I formalized membership, and indicated my interest in getting a local chapter established. Frank Mayer is the president of the society. Susan Trout is also a board member, and was the one who called today's meeting. The next Industry Conference is in August in New York. I hope to attend, and to have some demos of my current research to share with people. That's my target.

Other than the conference call, I will be preparing this lecture demo for tomorrow night at Lemon University. I latched onto some ideas yesterday about what to speak. I've got about an hour or so of the class to cover, and I'm feeling much more confident about it.

On Sunday, Rocket & I had a date at a local tapas bar, when we had a chance to talk more fully about our current plans and goals, about the risks and the benefits, and about how to proceed. One thing I asked of her (and myself) is an understanding of what it is we seek to preserve, what we're not willing to risk. We're committed to each other and to our family. In terms of finances, which translate into security and freedom, we've decided that six months' living expenses (outside of retirement savings) is our bedrock. Everything else is fair game. That leaves what I might consider a decent year's salary at my disposal, a comfortable sum for getting off the ground.

Not, of course, that I will head to Las Vegas, or the business equivalent. But it puts a frame on decisions. Should I attend this conference? Should I buy this piece of equipment, or this software package? How much will it cost? Is that the most effective use of the funds available to invest in this venture. We invest in the stock of companies we have little knowledge of, and even less say. Why not invest in our own ideas? Rocket likes the potential. I like the potential.

I've talked to the property managers here, to see about moving into a larger office when one opens up. I've asked Rocket to look into the possibilities of her telecommuting one or two days a week, which would save her about an hour and a half in commuting each day. This is because while she has realized that she enjoys her work, is appreciated and well compensated there, she'd like to find more balance in her life, meaning in particular spending more time with the family. She'd also like the freedom to cut back hours or take time off if she chooses. Avoiding the commute would save her time, which seems important. I've asked after an office that would accommodate three or four people. The idea is Rocket could work alongside me on the days she might telecommute (my office is only a five minutes' drive or fifteen minutes' bike ride from our house), and I might be able to bring on a partner or two in my private ventures.

On that point, I've tentatively recruited the first. Eduardo Montana is a friend of mine from The University of Paradise, he's a cohort of mine, and a PhD candidate in [Field 2], with a strong interest and background in [Field 1] as well. We talked on the phone last week, and he was quite excited by the prospects. He's on target to file his dissertation by the end of the fall, leaving him open to working with me after that. He had applied for some post-docs which failed to materialize. Like me, his interdisciplinary interests seem to be a liability in academia. So, we shall see.

Meantime, I'm learning what I can about business plans, about financing options. For now, we can probably spend our own money. I set up my first business credit card (on Amazon) the other day, when ordering some items as inspiration for one of my current projects (a new and exciting one I haven't mentioned yet, but which affords me the chance to bring many strands together into one rope).

And all the while, I'm wondering what will come of these various openings in academia. There is no going back. But, I like the thought of traveling multiple paths simultaneously. On that point, I realize something significant about my relationship with my coach. I seek and need his approval less and less. My self-confidence increases, and my willingness to trust my own judgment grows.At times, it would seem he wishes me to make decisions sooner than I feel properly prepared to make them. For instance, I put off making a decision regarding these two upcoming conferences in the UK, delaying the decision several times. I had only set a deadline for deciding at Paul's urging. But each time it approached, I felt unwilling to discard it. I wanted to hear back from them. In the end, the second one came through. I wouldn't have wanted to let it go.

To some extent, I think Paul has been pushing me to abandon my interests in academia. But I'm not sure that's true to me. What I have rejected is the waiting game, even though at times it is necessary to wait for word from others. I've thrown off the costume of the perpetual supplicant, begging for scraps at the base of the ivory tower. But wishing to not act the dog at the gate does not mean I give up hope to enter.

The point is, I've gained a great deal from these coachings, but I enter a new phase now. Perhaps it is time to begin the transition. When we began, Paul suggested an unbinding commitment of six months. We're entering the fourth month now. When I have my coaching on Thursday, I will suggest we move to bi-weekly sessions. I think it's time.

A break in the silence

I'm sorry my friends for my recent silence. It's been a long five days. I've been busy. My ideas for heading off on my own are beginning to congeal. Ideas pour forth like rain, some to wash off in the gutters, and some to nourish the seeds and seedlings of my garden.

A couple weeks ago, during my coaching with Paul, I developed a metaphor of my career as a garden, and me as the gardener. I realized my role as perpetual job seeker in academia had made a leaf out of me. And leaves, as we all know, are individually non-essential parts of a plant. I was withering, browning, and cracking.

I prefer the role of gardener.

And wouldn't you know it, it's just now that especially the academic side of my career begins to heat up.

I mentioned during my recent family trip (when I also got to meet the wonderful WhatNow? and her beloved D in person!), that I had been contacted by the organizer of a workshop in Canada, to request my attendance and participation. I spoke with her one evening last week, and she indicated that they would likely be able to fund my trip, and that she would bring this up at their next meeting. The next morning, I got word that funding had been approved to sponsor my trip to one of the conferences in the UK, to serve as part of a keynote panel. Unfortunately, the dates for these two events conflict. I wrote to the organizer in Canada to mention the conflict. Currently, she's trying to find a way to bring me out there just before my trip to the UK, and requested a brief abstract of my interest in their event.

The first of the two conferences in the UK (for which I had prime poster real estate) was only able to offer me a token amount, enough to cover the registration fees. I respectfully declined, and regretfully withdrew my submission, for lack of funds to attend. I got email today from one of the organizers of that first conference, whom I've known and corresponded with since perhaps 1998. He has at times been listed as a reference for me on my CV. Indeed, this morning he sent his regrets that they were unable to find sufficient funds for me to attend the conference, and to request a current copy of my CV, since he's been contacted by Midwestern City University to provide a reference for me, and wants to include the latest.

This coming Wednesday night, I head down to Lemon University for a teaching demo. I was a bit apprehensive about it, since the materials that the instructor requested I cover were a bit out of my comfort zone. I gave him a call to discuss it. He was open to me covering related material that I felt more knowledgeable about, and intimated that he trusts Sara Chaisano's opinion, but that the dean requires a teaching demo before an offer can be made. It sounds to me like the gig is mine to lose. As long as I don't blow it, I should be fine. Sara also indicated that they expect to be hiring one or two more faculty in the next year or so, and that having taught there as an adjunct would give me a big leg up. (That is in fact how she got her current job there).

Then (while writing this post), I just got an email back from Matt Suliman. It has been nearly a month since I wrote him. His email was apologetic for the delay, but encouraging, supportive, and friendly.

I am just overwhelmed. Good things are happening. I feel it. The soil is fertile and moist. Which seedlings will grow? Only time, with patience and perseverance, will tell.

It's a whole new ball game

Wow, what a whirlwind I'm in. I'm on top of the world and flying.

Last night, I made a phone call to a big name player in the field for which [specific goal] would be most applicable. Let's call him Walter "Wally" Williams. I had left a message for him the day before, but I'm impatient. I called him at home after dinner, for a brief chat. He seemed interested and open, gave me some ideas for what he'd be looking for, and gave me his email address, so we could keep in touch.

Earlier today, I got a call from someone whose name I recognized, but I simply couldn't place him. Remind me again where you're calling from? University of... Oh, yeah.

So, this guy was calling me back from an email I sent him beginning of last week (it seems a month ago). He's the former chair of the program in [subfield 1] at a local big university. They have a one-year gig open, for which there was a very vague posting. I met him a few years ago, when a friend of mine was a graduate student of his, and I had come down to campus from Paradise to attend the lecture by my friend Pam Bridgeport. He and I spoke again after a presentation of his at the SOD conference, when I had a lot to contribute in the discussion section.

I had sent him an email to find out more about the position, and to see if it would really be compatible with my heading. I had given up on his response, had marked the job off my to-do list, and thus was a bit taken aback that he called, especially since I couldn't place his name. The upshot was that he encouraged me to apply, but there's no telling. I think I will. I worked a bit on the CV, and the cover letter, figuring I'll mention my new interests and activities, and see what comes. Like adjunct teaching at Lemon (but certainly on a bigger scale) this could be a nice balance for me. But, as I wrote recently, I'm so over this. It's not quite that I just don't care, but I'm not worried about it any more. That's a great place to be.

Next, I called up Drew Davidson from Steel Industries. He had written me back yesterday with a rather encouraging tone. He replied to my inquiry saying that yes, well, some of their clients were working on something connected to [specific goal], but that it really wasn't necessarily what I was thinking of. Then he closed: What's on your mind?

I took that as an invitation. So, we talked for nearly 45 minutes today. He actually said something along the lines of: we see you as some sort of a power player, able to influence the field. I'm gasping for air! He proposed that he'd like to get their newest rollout system (which sells in the five digits) in my hands to fiddle with, in hopes that it'd provide me many of the tools I want, that I might be able to help them to develop it into a better system, and that hopefully I might be able to pitch it to Wally Williams and the like.

Oh... okay!
This ... is fun!

Now, I'm still spending my family's money, and I've nothing directly to show for my efforts that might permit Rocket to take some time off from work. But... there's time. Did I say it? This is fun!

Oh, and I forgot to say, I think I've shocked Paul a bit. I've hit him with a deluge of activity, ideas, and emails. Yesterday, he had written (in his response to my third email):

OK, DUDE. Just spent about an hour ( and quite an enjoyable one I must say) on you and I've got a busy week with some deadlines. Keep me in the loop and ask for responses if you need them from here on out. I'll read, stay abreast and look forward to speaking with you on Friday.

This morning, I opened my inbox to read:

At a rare loss for words: You're a FUCKIN MAD MAN!!!!!!
I LOVE IT!!!

Putting together a team

Below is a note I sent my coach yesterday, and some of his response this morning. For those of you playing along at home, I realize you may be wondering who this guy is who has hijacked the blog. You might not recognize me as much anymore. I've been huddled in the corner, muttering to myself and anyone who'd listen, for the past two years. Funny, the corner hasn't gotten any larger, warmer, or better lit, nor the audience any more appreciative. And now you see me, center stage, with a megaphone.

Is the purpose for this blog coming to an end? Am I finding the rainbow at the end of the blue? I don't know. It's a rollercoaster. Classic manic-depressive perhaps. Right now, I'm up, and I'm not particularly looking forward to a crash. One thing I know for certain: there's no going back.

Before I go to the interactions with Paul, let me give you the bullet points. Yesterday, I sent off a few notes to people I know in [Applied Research Field] to find out what I could about who might be working on [specific goal]:

• Frank Mayer wrote: "I don’t recall knowing of anyone in the community who’s focusing on [specific goal]. Sorry."
• Meredith Binowitz wrote: "Good to hear from you. I don’t KNOW of anyone actively working on that but I imagine that Contrafazzione and Subtle Products have seriously considered it."
• Mauricio Huppman (from Subtle Products, remember) wrote: "I have never come across anything like this. I'll copy our forgery product manager in case this rings any bells with him."
• I also sent an email to Drew Davidson from Steel Industries. I haven't heard back from him yet.
  
• Also, wrote a couple weeks ago on a different matter to some people from Contrafazzione, whom I met at [Industry Conference West]. I haven't heard back from them yet either. But I suspect if they were working on it, another one of these players would have heard something.

Hi Paul,

Yesterday and today, I've been thinking about pulling together a team. I realize that one of my biggest laments of late is being alone, inventing it all by myself. What it is, seems to be morphing. But I feel a major shift going on inside of me, from wanting a job, wanting someone to hire me, to guide me, to direct me, to being the one in charge, to creating the challenge, pulling together the people, summoning the inspiration.

I've begun to think of myself as directing an effort to transform [Applied Research Field]. I'm thinking of a Manhattan Project for setting the industry ahead. I have latched on to this challenge of [specific goal] as a motivator for change. Progress in the domain of forgery and certification has been slowed by the ever-more-limited scope of those working on the problems. If they won't have me on their team, perhaps it's time to form my own. (Some of this may sound like the Runt asserting himself, but it doesn't feel like a six year old's ideas and plan.)

I feel an urge to draw a disparate crew of people, from various backgrounds, together in attacking the problems. I've made a few phone calls, or sent emails, as feelers. I feel the drag of waiting for them to get back to me. But I'm doing my best not to worry about it. I've been diving into the work as well, the analysis, and some brainstorming for the sorts of tools I'll need to make this a reality.

I'm thinking of trying to pull together a sort of brainstorming retreat, that I would sponsor, to get the various people together for a few days, away from distractions. I'm thinking maybe I could rent a condo or cabin somewhere, for three or four days. I'd put them up. If I can swing it, maybe I'd even get them tickets (I've got about four frequent flyer tickets, so it might not be such a deal). We're not talking a great many people, on the order of 5 or 6. I'll have to look over the budget, and discuss details with Rocket before moving ahead, but I think it's doable. The idea would be to see if such a hodge-podge could congeal into a team, capable of forming a company. What would it take to get them all moving as a team? What would it take to get all of us salaries, and an office, and the necessary equipment? Is that a business plan? The next problem (next?) would be getting the startup cash to get moving. Where do I go for that? No idea.

Rocket's a bit taken aback with the whirlwind of my thinking. As she admits, she's slower to change than I. Am I changing too much, too fast? I'd been thinking about [specific goal] as a longer term project, 5-10 years to start up a company. But I'm thinking now that it will take some time to develop the product; why wait to get started? What have I really to gain? The point is, I think the problems will be solved by getting a crew of dedicated and intelligent people together. I could work slowly, gaining knowledge of what others are doing, but that might not help me much. Or, I could forge ahead with cultivated naivety, forgetting to ask whether any of this is possible. Sometimes, even the impossible is possible.

The one thing I've made clear to Rocket is that the one thing I will not risk losing is my family, is her, and my boys. She understands that, and accepts it. She really doesn't know what to make of me right now, but I think she's behind me, understanding that we've got far more to gain, than to lose.

Enjoy,
Articulate

Good Morning Articulate,

Wow! Some exciting stuff here. Responses below.

-->the Runt asserting himself<--
The "runt" may or may not be asserting himself. You may or may not be making a choice that let's the runt know that you will take care of him. The key is to make sure that you are not doing this to right the wrongs that were done to that runt....or to get back at the people who did those wrongs. That's an adrenaline fueled decision..it will exhaust you in the long run. It doesn't seem to me like this is the case, but keep an eye on it. Motivation matters. What's yours?

-->Where do I go for that? No idea.<--
Me neither, but we'll figure it out. This is how big things start. Couple of people sit in an office and say...."No idea, let's get started." Next thing you know, they're reviewing a marketing plan. Self promotion moment. If you decide to bring in a facilitator, please let me know so I can throw my name in the hat. Seriously, I love doing this type of stuff. Really juicy for me...and I'm pretty good at it if I do say so myself. OK, back to you...

-->cultivated naivety ... Sometimes, even the impossible is possible.<--
Pay attention to this: How can I use this experience to fuel my career ambitions AND create more peace and harmony in my home? Notice the emphasis on "and" in the questions. We often fall into the trap of believing that it's one or the other. Work satisfaction or harmony at home. It's not. You can have both.

Go get 'em, Tiger. This is exciting stuff.

Best, Paul

I think back to something Tasse Plein once said to me, that while I was sitting by the phone, miserably waiting for it to ring, it wasn't too much of stretch to imagine me avoiding the phone, in hopes to put off the decision between multiple offers a little while longer. All I can say is... time's have changed!

Inspiration

A few weeks ago, I ordered a copy of "Droidmaker: George Lucas and the Digital Revolution," by Michael Rubin. It arrived a little more than a week ago. I spent a night or two finishing up my first ever reading of "Catcher in the Rye." Then I dug in.

Recently, I had an off-blog discussion with my friend Tracy. We reflected on how our state in life has an impact on how we view other people and events, how we take comments and criticism. I recall my sometime motto: everyone who got where they are, started where they were. Indeed. I realize that I am at a point where what speaks to me reflects the voice I have suppressed, which is seeking its release.

Today, I am taking inspiration from the stories of Francis Coppola and George Lucas. The reasons why they are inspiring me have much to do with where I am in life, and where I wish to go. Today, I am taking back my life, reclaiming my voice, allowing myself to dream with confidence. I shake off the past couple years of waiting.

Another point of Friday's coaching, which I didn't mention in my earlier post, was a question Paul posed to me at one point: what are you angry at yourself for?

Angry? at myself? Hmmm. I talked... but I couldn't quite put a finger on it. Was I angry at myself? It's part of Paul's style to ask questions like that, when I seem stuck, at an impasse. What was I angry with myself about?

He ventured: I have a suspicion that you're angry at yourself for waiting.

Hmmm. I had mentioned that much of the past couple years my modus operandi was to draft up abstracts for conferences, send them off, and wait. They were projects I had some commitment to, but also ones that I thought might appeal to that audience. If I got the green light, I went ahead with the work, and prepared a talk. If not, for the most part, I dropped it.

I did the same thing with job applications, sending off bits of myself, and waiting for a green light to develop that part of me. I tried to envision myself filling out the role defined by some committee or dean. In honesty, I never fully gave up myself: I encapsulated my interests in cover letters, and revealed it in my CVs. No one was buying. I worked harder to sell, chiseling away at my self, wanting some fish to bite, forgetting that trout was what I had a hankering for, not snapper.

Last night, I reflected with my wife that I didn't regret completing my PhD, writing my dissertation. But that, somewhere along the path, I had lost my voice, my passion, my drive, my confidence. Rocket said, she thought it wasn't so much in writing the dissertation, nor in being a grad student, that it happened. But in the time since, along with applying for jobs.

She said most all of the grant and fellowship applications, and much of the conference abstracts, and papers that I had worked on as a graduate student were true to me, reflected my interests. But since finishing the dissertation, my focus has been on finding a job. And the rejection has sapped my confidence, has reduced me to becoming more them, and less me--which, frankly, I'm not any good at, being them.

We talked about research, and about practical applications. I was excited, engaged. There was my voice. I heard it speaking again. Let me use it to succeed. Go to my strengths. Confidence and drive. This will come.

Making it easy

Good coaching this morning. I've been feeling a bit down lately, having the flu (or whatever) hasn't helped. Whatever the au pair had has infected me as well, though I've been managing it alright with OTC medicine, and lots of fluids.

But really, I've been beating myself up. I think of BrightStar's recent post. When I'm nice to myself ... when I'm not so nice...

Earlier in the week, I realized that what makes me happy these days is actually doing the work I've chosen for myself, the analysis and such that I hope in the short term will work to the benefit of forgery. I get gassed up thinking about these things. Diving into my analysis, my mind overflows with questions, problems, possible solutions, alternate avenues. This is what I live for.

Paul talks of making it easy for myself. I told him about the SOD rejection letter, and explained that I felt that was a last straw in a sense, that unless something dramatically changes, I don't expect to renew my membership, or to attend their conferences again. I said I've been beating myself up for years, trying to "get" this audience. But right now, I just don't care anymore. I don't get them; they don't get me. Perhaps I sound bitter. I don't wish to be bitter, I just want to move on.

You don't sound bitter to me. You just sound like someone who is coming to grips with not wanting to fight anymore. You don't need to. Make it easy on yourself. Do what comes naturally. Do what you enjoy. And when you're feeling good from your work, your analysis or whatever... that's when you pick up the phone and make a new contact.

I mentioned that I have this addiction to feedback. What's it mean when someone says "no" to you?

No? That's easy. It means I can move on to the next thing. It's when they say nothing that it pisses me off.

So, what's with that? What's with you and feedback? What does it mean when someone is silent?

It means they don't give a damn. I'm simply not important to them.

So it's all about you. What's the truth? The truth is they have lives too. It's not about you. It's about them, about where they are in life, what they need, what they want. But where does it hit you, physically, when you're ignored?

Hmm... I'll tell you where it takes me. It takes me to the playground in elementary school, when I was the last kid picked for the team.

Aha! Okay, so now we're getting somewhere. Now you've identified the personality trait that's running the show in this. (I've got that kid too, inside of me.) But that six-year old isn't good at running your business, is he? You've been beating him up like the bullies did to you. Don't beat him up. Tell him you'll take care of him. Tell him he'll be alright What do you want to say to him?

You can be on my team.

There you go! Let him on the team. Just don't let him run your life.

Now, I need to settle with forging ahead for the next few months, accepting (as a poem I once wrote put it) "time takes time". Either this will work, or it won't. I've got little to lose in trying it, and much to gain, either way.

Good point

A few days ago, my mom mentioned she had spoken with her ex-husband (the man she met when I was 11, and married when I was 13, with whom she remained married until a few years ago). Let's call him Tom. He happens to be a full professor at a prestigious East Coast University, but he was a far cry from that when I was young. Their conversation turned to me. Tom mentioned that the husband of a colleague of his recently took an industry post in [Applied Research Field], and suggested I might send him my resume to be forwarded along.

Yesterday, I received the following email:

Dear Articulate,

Tom Stepdad forwarded your C.V. to me and we also had a phone discussion about your interest in [Applied Research Field]. Glad to hear that you've taken a liking to our field of study.

I've only had time to briefly look over your resume and take a quick look at your website. I'd like to take a look at your thesis and a couple of your papers to get a better sense of what you've done and where you're hoping to go with it. It looks like your dissertation is on your website and I can view it there; are there one or two of your papers that you'd recommend, and are they on-line? Also, any work involving computing?

I'll take a look at your thesis, and look forward to hearing from you further.

Regards,
Ven
PIC Technologies

I took a look over their website, and sent off a few quick inquiries to some of my contacts in the field to find out what I could about the company, and if anyone knew this fellow. Susan Trout gave me a call at home (I was watching the boys, while the au pair recovered from some bug that gave her 103 fever). It's good to have friends. We talked for about 20 minutes about things. She's one of the few in the field (like Meredith Binowitz and Frank Mayer) who is neither an engineer nor a computer scientist. As she explained, most of them got in somehow through the backdoor, usually by joining a team as a new lab was forming. She said she's sat on hiring committees, years later, realizing that she'd probably not have hired herself. She suggested perhaps a fruitful avenue for me might be finding a small startup that plans to do things a different way. We talked a bit about research and applications. There is a place for me. I will find a path!

Back to the letter. I began drafting a response today. Paul called me in the middle of it, in response to a quick note I sent him this morning asking for feedback on some of what I'd been sending him earlier in the week. Good thing, too. He said, why don't you just send Ven a quick response, and try to get him on the phone. Go to your strengths. You're good on the phone, and in person. Use writing as your fallback, if you need to.

I realized at that point, that I was drafting a rather defensive (perhaps aggressive in the words of Jim Lodz) reply. Not so good. Not really what I want to project. I do have confidence that there's a place for me in this field. Perhaps, like my friend What Now!, examining the prospects of teaching high school, I may even have more confidence in this direction than in continuing to seek a faculty appointment.

Hi Ven,

Thanks for the contact. Glad to see there's some interest. Why don't we try to hook up on the phone this week or next. You can try me at my office [phone number] just about any time, or send me a number and a good time to call, and I'll do my best to oblige.

Regards,
Articulate

Paul is right. Go to my strengths. Good point!

A little work'll do you good

Here's a little check-in I just sent to my coach. I've got to take off early now, to take the Painter to swim lessons. Paul had suggested recently that my frequent emails or phone calls seem to benefit me, and that he's happy to have them, so:

Hi Paul,

I was a bit down this morning. I'm stressed today by all the uncertainty, and oppressed by my own attachment to feedback. A few of the people I've emailed in the past month have remained silent, allowing the yeast of my mind to ferment in worries. I think of your caution following [Industry Conference West] to not allow myself too much to dwell in my head.

When I sit, and wonder which direction to go, I wallow in misery. Rocket says not to worry about her, and we've looked over the finances, and I know that we'd survive. But I worry nonetheless about making an income. I know: one thing at a time. I've got time to get there. October (the soonest she might take off from work) is a ways away. June 1st is my target for the first "sales call." Patience. It will come.

I finished reading over the articles by Matt Suliman yesterday, and typed up my notes. I went over them a bit today, and got the courage to send him an email with some questions and comments. Then, I dove back into my analysis. I really enjoy this work. God, I want just so much to find a landing spot. I don't have to stay there, but I want somewhere to pause, to have the leisure to complete a project, knowing that I'll get paid for it, that it will lead somehow to the next one.

It's like swimming across an ocean. I want some places to pause, check my heading, to be sure I'm not swimming endlessly in circles.

/Articulate

Some clarity?

I got a reply this morning from another company I had contacted. This contact was interesting, a bit off the track. This company produces educational products that are a bit tangential to Applied Research Field, more user, less developer, but in some ways right up my alley. Thanks to Trillwing for her comments and challenges. Also, in light of Paul's urgings, I think I'll be shifting my strategy a bit, once again more toward fact gathering, and friendship building. I've a deadline for my first "sales call" tentatively set for June 1. I've got some time between now and then to learn more, make more contacts, and work on my research. Nonetheless, this was a bit more encouraging a reply than what I got from Swiss Forgery yesterday.

Dear Clarity Products:

Attached please find a copy of my current CV. I received a PhD in [Field 1] & [Interdisciplinary Field] from the University of Paradise in 2005. I have spent the past couple years as a post-doctoral researcher in [Field 2]. The core of my work has involved [area]. My dissertation focused on [description]. I've recently made a shift in focus from an academic career toward one in industry, concentrating on Applied Research Field.

Currently, I am engaged in work on [focus], with an aim to better incorporating these within Forgery systems. I've also been engaged in [description of work I presented at Field 2 conference]. I believe both of these projects should be of interest and value to Clarity Products.

My first entry to Clarity Products was the purchase many years ago of [product]. I was amused and impressed. I would be delighted for the chance to help make improvements to the fine products you produce. I am open to discussing any appropriate opportunities to work with Clarity Products, either as employee or consultant. Please contact me at your convenience.

Enjoy,
Articulate
[consultancy sig file]

Thank you!
We have received your resume, and we greatly appreciate your interest in Clarity Products. Your resume is being passed directly to the hiring manager for review. If your background and objectives seem likely to meet our current needs, we'll contact you as soon as possible. Then it will be our turn to see if we can meet your needs. We realize the people we want have many options, and that hiring is a mutual process.

You can learn more about our company at [URL]. Thank you again for contacting us.

Sincerely,
The Human Resource Group of
Clarity Products, Inc.

Getting out of my own way

Get out of your own way! That was the concept from today's coaching. How do you make it difficult for yourself?

Hmm... Paul was rather intent on helping me realize that "getting a job" is not exactly what I want, and frankly, it's not an easy task for me.

But why, in the universe, am I the only one this is tough for? I mean, okay, this is what people do: they send off their resumes, someone calls them. Easy. I thought that was the easy route. I've been trying to become a professor. That's hard.

Easy is a relative thing. The problem with taking someone else's path is that you don't have their eyes, and you bump into things. It's not your path. You're good in person, on the phone; you're interesting, engaging. Much better than in emails. Get off the computer! Make some phone calls; take some people to lunch. Ask them questions.

Okay... okay!

Thanks to apparently for her comment to my earlier post. Grace and courage to move forward are what I need.

Unfinished Business

My earlier post was not the whole story. After writing it, I piddled for about an hour. I was still home at the time, having woken up a bit under the weather (probably allergies more than anything, as the local air quality is poor today). I had been delaying making a phone call, following up on one of the references that Mauricio Huppman had set up for me. I wanted to be in the right frame of mind. I finally made the call which lasted nearly an hour. It was free-wheeling, and encouraging. The upshot was he thought I'd find little resistance on the consulting path I'm setting up.

The letters had put me in an odd mood, thus the delay. I can't say I was really depressed by them. I'm not even sure how I'd react today if one of those schools called me up for an interview. It's an odd place to be.

In the back of my mind as well were this morning's emailed comments by Paul, goading me to jump from the plane, to trust my parachute. I had written him about the possible adjunct opportunity at [Lemon University]. Some of what follows is raw, so forgive me the lack of focus, the flightiness. Some ideas fly away with the wind like chaff. Some of this surely is chaff. I'm thinking out loud. Think of it as brainstorming, rather than edited copy. I had noted in my email to Paul:

It's a tough call for me, since I've been working and hoping for this eventuality for years now. Now that it seems likely, I'm torn. I keep saying I'm not quite ready to give up the aim of becoming a professor, and yet my sense of self-identity has been shifting. I need it less, if at all. This, of course, would simply be part time. There are logistical issues, in particular what the pay would be, and what the commute would look like (would I be teaching two days a week, three? days? evenings?). Certainly those factors would play into my decision.

But they're not all. Rocket & I have been talking about a default "exit strategy". She and I need to hash this out a bit more, but one idea we've been floating around is that, by the end of this year, unless something else takes hold to belay it, we'd plan to move back to [Former City], where we have friends, where we love the location, where there is easy access to a hub airport to conveniently fly just about anywhere in the states, and around the world. We haven't worked through all the details, but it's a thought that appeals in ways to both of us.

I had also kept Paul apprised of my correspondence with Joe Krowicki.

Thanks for the note. Great to connect with you and Rocket this past week. My gut tells me that it's time to make a decision on the Professorship. From what I gathered on the call on Friday, you both seem "done" with the idea of a Professorship. And, there is some unfinished business with you and the academic job hunt. My guess...if you get the offer and say no, you'll be able to put this phase of your life behind you. Again, just my opinion...you're an entrepreneurial spirit. Teaching? Maybe. But, probably after, or while you are in the process of making your mark.

The move to [Former City] will get a lot more conceivable once you have a few accounts under your belt or have a job that pays you what you feel you are worth and challenges you in that all important dinner party way.

I agree with Joe. He talks about there being a lot of networking involved in starting out on your own. You love to network. And, you're great at it. Having been an Entrepreneur for almost 20 years now, this I can tell you for sure. The merit system works in the business world. If you're the best, are willing to let people know that in a non-threatening way, help them see how you can make them better and do what you say you are going to do, you win. In other words...in business...the cream does rise to the top.

So there you have it. Where do I go from here?

Beginning the break

I have a habit: when I wish something to become real, I put it in writing, and send it off to someone.

In 2001, while serving as the de facto director of a center for the interdisciplinary study of [Field 1] (I had a 100% TA-ship attached to the center, with Tasse Plein as my advisor), I drafted the bylaws, giving it a structure, and I designed it's logo, which stands to this day.

This week, I put that creativity to work on my own consultancy. I designed a business card and letterhead. I printed them up. The first thing I did, was package up some homemade jam to send off to Susan Trout, one of my new friends from [Industry Conference West]. She works for [Corporate Giant], and became a fast friend and advocate for me, while also offering some pointed criticism. Enclosed in the box with the jam, I put a new business card, and hand wrote a note on my letterhead.

Had a good coaching this morning, jointly with my wife. It was mostly occupied with interactions between her and Paul. I think it was quite productive, and will give us some jumping off points for moving ahead with collective dreaming.

I feel the break with an academic career search building, even while the possibility of being hired by [Alternate University] looms. I might be quite content to pick up some online courses, while building a future of my own design.

Here are some excerpts of emails I sent today to Joe Krowicki and Tasse Plein. Put it in writing, and it becomes real:

Hi Joe,

Life goes on. Just got your official [Lake View U.] "thanks but no thanks" letter. I suppose you're in Europe, or somewhere in between. I hope the trip proves productive and enjoyable for you.

Here's my latest, since you asked to be kept informed. I attended [Industry Conference West] as I mentioned. It was quite inspiring. The projects that are underway in [Applied Research Field] are really something. I left the conference with about 20 business cards from contacts I had made, along with perhaps another 20 or more names of people to follow up with, many of whom I've already sent inquiries to. So far, nothing concrete. But I decided in the meantime to get started on some research which I hope will serve to improve [Forgery]. As a vehicle for these efforts I've started the shell of my own consultancy. Attached is a symbol of this new persona.
...
While I still believe I would enjoy the role of professor, indeed I have confidence that I would play it well, I've tired much of the role I've been playing these past couple years, of perpetual job seeker. It's discouraging, disappointing, and seemingly useless: much effort for no reward, and no benefit to others. At least if I've got a classroom, I know something will get through to the students. But to send off application after application to bored and tired search committees, with uncertain agendae, administrative diktats, imposed curricular requirements, is wearing in the extreme. This is not what I signed on for when I went back to school for a PhD.

I like research. I like working to solve real problems, grounded in practical needs. I haven't been trained for that. It's a different sort of focus than I'm used to, a more broad audience. I can't say I've fully given up the goal of becoming a professor, but I'm less and less inclined to fit myself into the pre-ordained roles defined by visionless administrators and search committees. I suppose I should apologize for the bitterness that comes through. I've worked hard to accomplish something as an academic; I've trod on the path through the woods, only to find a barren field at the clearing. Damn it, I'm going to find a path that leads to fruit!

Thanks for being a mentor to me in this, and for your patience in hearing me gripe.

Enjoy,
Articulate

Hi Tasse,

It's been a while. I suppose you were likely contacted by [Alternate University] this week. I applied to them on a whim, having seen an ad for their opening on some website about a month ago. It might be nice to have some use for my training in [Field 1]. Other than that, the academic job search has continued to net me little but silence and frustration. While I haven't fully given up the hope of finding meaningful work as a professor, I've realized that I hate the role I've been playing these past couple years, of perpetual job seeker. I don't play it well.

A few weeks ago, I attended [Industry Conference West]. ...then headed off to Europe for [Field 2 Conference]. I got back a couple weeks ago, and have been clearing my plate of obligations, seeking a new direction to move forward. I'm not sure where this will all lead, but I am certain that the path I've been on has lead me to nothing but misery and self-doubt. I didn't go back to school to wander aimlessly after completing a PhD. That wasn't exactly what I had in mind. I want to make a difference. I want to contribute to advancing human knowledge. If I'm denied a classroom, I've got to find myself a different venue for moving ahead.

I've decided to create the shell of a consultancy as the vehicle for some of my present research. With any luck, I'll be able to sell some of my ideas in [Applied Research Field]. Who knows where this will lead. But it's a far more enjoyable way to spend my time, than reading rejection letters from university search committees.

I hope you are well, that [your wife] is enjoying her present state, that the children are thriving. All my best to you, Tasse.

/Articulate

Tacky Schmacky

Tackiness be damned. I wrote earlier in the week of my dilemma regarding possibly lost emails. I decided, what the hell. There were only about a half dozen people whom I had written to in the past week or so from whom I had been expecting replies. I wrote them all brief notes this morning indicating that I had had some server problems earlier in the week, causing some senders to receive bounced email messages. I asked that they resend any emails that suffered that fate, apologized for the inconvenience, and said in any case that I looked forward to hearing from them. At least that's done.

Now, on to more analysis, new contacts, and working up my personal syllabus for life to send to my coach tonight. Rocket will be joining us for the coaching tomorrow for the first time. Tomorrow is one of her Fridays off, due to her 9/80 work schedule. I hope (and expect) the coaching will benefit her as well. She's been back and forth lately. It's been a not-so-great week for her at work, which means she's leaning more toward the dream of taking time off. But it's not so clear. I hope the joint coaching will help clarify matters.

Harder, but not impossible

A few days ago, I wrote that it's harder to get depressed. Harder, yes... but not impossible. Today was a down day, partly due to circumstance, as you may have read in my earlier posts. I still have no email. But more... I'm caught up in self-doubt. Of course, I know it won't serve me. Who cares if I'm unsure? Either I act, or I don't; and the latter choice is rather untenable. I have to move; I have to act.

But it's a slippery slope, once I let myself slide. Life's unfair... I'm stuck... I'm unappreciated... dumb luck...

[SIGH] But it won't serve. As my wife reminds me (echoing Paul) "you're in your head... get out of your head." It's true. Very simple really. It's easier now to identify the markers, to see through my own attitudes, the lies I tell myself (as Paul might say). Indeed.

But some days... I still get down, lonely, afraid. Today was one of those days.

The grass

Last night at the gym (yes, Rocket and I have joined a gym, and have begun going a couple times a week!), I confessed to her that there is a bit of the "grass is always greener" syndrome going on. I admitted that I found myself a bit (just a bit, really) down over her renewed enthusiasm for work. You see, I'm envious of her success, but the feeling diminishes when I can believe that underneath it all the grass really isn't any greener on the other side. But, if she's successful and happy, satisfied and rewarded, well... [SIGH] it's much more difficult to abide.

And that goes for all of you too. I mean if you're going to have a wonderful job and all, and a good relationship, delightful children... at least complain about something, so I don't feel quite so bad, okay?

Of course... I started my coaching with Paul this morning by explaining how pissed off I am over the fact that it's just too hard to get depressed anymore. I mean, sometimes I feel like wallowing in self-pity, embracing an indignant sense of injustice about the way the world has treated me. I mean I deserve it, right? It's just, now, see... I can't get myself all worked up in those endless loops, because, well... they're not terribly productive. And while they are familiar, they haven't done much to get me on the road to success, which, I have to admit, is rather more what I wish for myself.

So, it's back to analyzing forgery and figuring out what I can. I wrote to Drew Davidson, the CEO of Steel Industries who donated some of their software to my research to ask about a matter regarding my research. Let's say, I'm analyzing how forgery models colors, okay. Well, each forgery engine goes about segmenting the spectrum a little bit differently, so it's not so useful for me to simply impose my own arbitrary classifications on the analysis. I asked whether it would be possible for me to gain access into Steel Industries' paradigms for segmenting color.

The reply was swift. Here are a couple of commands you can enter into the system to output color segmentation data. WOW! How great. I mean, that saves me so much work, and enhances the relevance of my analysis a thousandfold. As I said to David in my reply, This is fun!

Retreat, Release, Discard, Accept

A few days ago, I wrote that Rocket looks like she is closer to realizing that what she really wants is to take a break from (or leave behind) her work week and career, to spend more time with family and nature. Hmmm.

Tuesday, she spent the day in a class at work. They pay her to sit all day in a classroom, learning about the sorts of tasks other people do, the sorts of tasks she might do, if she chose to switch roles at work. (They pay her a handsome wage to learn. Not the pitiful wage of a TA, but a real wage. I can't even imagine. I wonder if she has the slightest understanding of just how much I relish that, how envious I am even). The class let out early. According to policy, she bills her hours by percentages, not by hours, to whatever "programs" she's assigned to. 100% of time that day to the class. So... she came home early, with only a slight tinge of guilt over it.

Yesterday, she left for work around 7:30. I spoke with her around 4:30 or so. She said to expect her around 6:00. I watch the boys from 4:00 these days. I normally start cooking dinner when she gets home. 6:15, the boys and I were playing in the backyard, the sky was darkening to evening. The phone rang. My wife. Oh, sorry... I'm just leaving work now. I'll see you in about a half hour?

[SIGH]. It was alright. We were having a good time. I decided to put on a movie for the boys, and get dinner ready: pasta shells with a white clam sauce, fresh salad (with lettuce and arugula from the garden and homemade clover, alfalfa, and fenugreek sprouts).

When she arrived, I noted that perhaps she was not so ready to chuck it all as she might have thought. Good days. Bad days. But what does she want from work, from life? Balance, she suggests: time for being intellectually useful and time for family. A worthy goal. But just what is that balance? And just what is being intellectually useful?

She mentioned surprise a bit at my drive to start a consultancy. But a few weeks ago, you said that all you wanted was for someone to hire you. Indeed. But no one has. I take it as it comes. There are many things I have wanted these past couple years, many things I expected, many I felt I deserved. But they have not come. No one has hired me to teach, or research. No one pays me to learn what might be useful or interesting to me. So, I grasp at the wind, throw my net in the water, turn over the rocks in the field, climb trees and shake the limbs. I wander in search of a home, a home for my intellectual and professional pursuits.

Ah, to be intellectually useful. That would will be great! In response to Paul's question how I sabotage myself, I said (in all honesty): By holding on to my sense of injustice... By an unwillingness to move on. Paul's reply:

Would have bought this when I met you. Don’t buy it now. You’re not doing this anymore. ... Feels to me like you’re getting pretty damn close if not already doing it. What am I missing?

It were quite easy to hold on, to focus on the imbalances, my lacks. It were quite easy to compare myself to others, and wonder why, and how, to feel wounded, and neglected, wasted, unsure. In short, it would be quite easy to sabotage myself. But then... I've got better things to do with my energy and my time. Sure, I feel those things. But just like ideas, feelings are the easy part; it's what we do with them that matters.

The road ahead is not the one I have built; neither was the one behind. But I've left my mark on the past, and will inscribe myself on the future. There are choices we can make, and some options we simply need to accept. I am thankful for the success of those around me, my wife, my friends, whether any of them fully appreciate these successes. I am thankful for having had the opportunity to develop myself as I have, to have learned the things I know, and for the support and strength that others have given me.

This isn't such a bad place to start building tomorrow.

The road ahead

It seems I have passed the crossroad. I look ahead of me, and see a winter path through the woods, trees barren of most leaves, brittle detritus on the ground promising to turn leafmold in the spring, nourishing the soil that gives life to the verdure. I know the chill wind will warm, the sun will tarry longer each day, as we enter more into the spring, then summer. I step lightly, but determinedly, not quite sure when I will encounter a fallen trunk, or the charred remains of what once was vibrant, left behind by a fire recently burned. Not quite sure how I will handle each obstacle to my forward journey.

Paul seems excited by the prospect of my starting a consultancy. Rocket is delighted as well. For me, it is the path that lies ahead. I have two papers accepted for upcoming conferences in May & June. I submitted another paper for the SOD conference coming up in November. I'm not sure which if any of those I will attend. The work I am most committed to just now lies in a somewhat different direction. If I can figure how those papers would move me along this path, I will do them. If not, perhaps, I will simply let them go. There are the schools to which I have already sent applications (and a few more with upcoming deadlines that still sit in the job applications folder on my laptop). Otherwise, I am free. Only a few objects mar the perfect line of horizon before me. The sail awaits it's lifting.

Yesterday I began work towards a consultancy. One of the contacts I made at [Industry Conference West], the CEO of a leading company involved in [Particular Aspect of Applied Research Field, let's call it forgery] allowed me access to some of their technology, in the form of software. Donating it, as he put it, to my research in [Field 1] & [Field 2]. Let's say that [Forgery] has come a long way in the past couple decades, but it's still far from convincing. My role in all this is to help make it better, more real.

What I've begun to do, is analyze the products, comparing them to the real thing, in hopes of uncovering some points where I can make suggestions for improvements. In a sense, it's as simple as that. It's time to put my potential to the test, to ground my ideas in practice, find applications for the hypotheticals. That is the road ahead.

Five word responses

While I was overseas, Paul wrote to me:

You want to be careful about getting caught up in the stories and circumstances of your life when you are making big transitions. If you find yourself rewinding the [Industry Conference] experience by recalling minute details of conversations and trying to figure out "what they mean" to you, you are "in your head" That won't serve you as you move forward. Analysis has its time and place, but, for now, you want to be focusing on your "Big Agenda," the things that make you feel good and the values you want to be honoring moving forward. Honoring your values will get you to the life you want much faster than analyzing the past.

When you are thinking about your career and [Industry Conference], discipline yourself to ask questions like the ones below: Five words or less on the answers. Your answers will remind you what your big agenda is, what is really important to you. They will also help you to get clarity on big decisions. Stories and circumstances rarely help with clarity. They often lead to open loops or analysis paralysis.

• What do I want now?
• What am I building?
• Who am I becoming?
• If I were at my best and had no fear, what would I do now?
• What is the most powerful interpretation of the week I had?
• What am I grateful for today?
• How do I sabotage myself?
• Why am I taking this action?

Remember, five words or less. The truth is always short and to the point. It is always in the moment. Never in the past or the future. It never needs to be defended or backed up with evidence or stories. It's just your truth and it always sets you free.

Yesterday, I sent him some responses:

• What do I want now?
• A career in [Applied Research Field]
• A happy family
• Stability, security, comfort
• What am I building?
• The foundation for the next 3-5 years
• Who am I becoming?
• My true self again
• Happy, contented, contributing husband & father
• If I were at my best and had no fear, what would I do now?
• Start a consultancy for [particular subarea of Applied Research Field]
• What is the most powerful interpretation of the week I had?
• Ideas are the easy part; the work lies in following through.
• I am not to be measured by the originality of my ideas, but rather by how I put ideas into practice, whether I thought of them first or not.
• What am I grateful for today?
• My wonderful, wonderful family.
• The overwhelmingly beautiful relationship I have with my wife.
• How do I sabotage myself?
• By holding on to my sense of injustice.
• By thinking that my choice to get a PhD was motivated by an end goal (becoming a professor) rather than simply the process of being a doctoral student.
• By an unwillingness to move on.
• Why am I taking this action?
• Because I wish to choose my life.
• Because I have found the role of seeking a faculty position to be rather unpleasant.
• Because I will enjoy the role of seeking a career in [Applied Research Field].
  

Talk soon, eh?
Articulate

I think back to the top of the year, and my post "Welcome to tomorrow". My friend, WhatNow? asked "So what would striking out on your own look like?". The picture is beginning to emerge. I think this phoenix is about to rise.