Monday, July 17, 2006

Another sleepless night

3:00am: the Painter comes into our room, as he has nearly every night for who-knows-how-long. He crawls into bed. I try to sleep. 10 minutes later, I fold him in my arms, carry him to his bed, kiss him, say I love you, good night, then climb back into my bed, tossing and turning.

All I can think about in the middle of an interrupted night is my foundering career, about having to ask my recommenders yet again to draft up a new recommendation letter (or at least, to take the 6 seconds it would take to paste a new date at the top of the old one) and forward it to my campus reference letter service. I contemplate whether I'll be asking my dissertation chair to draft up individual letters again for many of the jobs.

Who wants to read file letters? But I just can't see asking my writers to pen so many more. This will be my third real job cycle, I'm heading into. I feel guilty asking for letters. I hate this hate this hate this hate this! I hate being in this position. DAMN IT! I deserve better.

I deserve better than to be kept up at nights by these thoughts, these worries, these concerns. It's not my son's fault (though I really really really wish I could simply get him to stay in his own bed ALL NIGHT! At least if I'm not awakened, perhaps, I'd get a good night's sleep). Patience... patience and perseverance.

I crawled out of bed around 3:50, figuring it's better to stare at my computer screen, than suffer the din of my night-time tossing thoughts. Perhaps this way, my wife can sleep. It's been 45 minutes. I wonder if I'll be able to get back to sleep before daylight.

4 comments:

Ahistoricality said...

Two thoughts: when the "I need to do this, and this, and this will be hard" thought cycle starts in the middle of the night, the only thing for it is distraction, mostly getting up and doing something mindless for a little while, then going back to bed. Also, of the letters you've gotten aren't getting you jobs, you should have no shame about asking them for revisions or updates: if they're writing you letters then they have a responsibility to write letters that work for you.

Lilian said...

Ha, we have the same problem of our son coming to our bed every single night. And... my husband has also been having trouble falling asleep if he wakes up late at night. (sigh)... I'm hoping that you got to sleep a few more hours.

apparently said...

These posts sounds eerily familiar. Kid who will not sleep in his own bed, up 2-4 times every night taking him back. Job searches that have failed. Twice. And I too joined the sexy field because I couldn't beat them (they took all 3 of my potential jobs the past 2 years!) Best wishes!

undine said...

"Who wants to read file letters?" The committees do read file letters--really--but ahistoricality has a good idea: if you've recently developed interests in or have worked in x, that'd be a good way to contact your letter writers and ask for a new letter on the grounds that the new information would have a bearing on your prospects.