Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Energy wanes, in waiting

...

...

... NOTHING

...

... Um... uhh...

... NOTHING...

You know, the wait is interminable. So, what the hell am I waiting for? Godot?
I got some energy last week to push ahead with things. But my plan was to push ahead with contacting people to see what might come up. I'm still waiting on people, other people, letting them rule my life, my energy, my time, my spirit. Not the best of plans, eh?

So, I've spent a lot of time researching investments. When you sell a house, at a profit (even if it's much less than you'd have liked), and you'd owned the house for 7 years... well, there's a lot of cash (by my standards) that I've got to divvy out. Some went to pay down student loans, and some goes into new investments. As long as the investments are beating the loan interest rate, I buy more. If not, I pay lumpsums to reduce the debt. Simple plan. But investment research has been a big distraction for me (in many ways, a welcome one). At least when I'm handling the family finances, I feel useful.

What else could I be doing? Hmmm. there are a few more fellowship and faculty posts in the UK that I had been thinking of applying for. Deadline this Friday. Haven't done that. The Rocket Scientist will be going for a couple job interviews at this new place (two different groups vying for her attentions) just as soon as they can schedule it. UK not her first pick; my career foundering; her's flying skyward, contrails flashing, no damage from falling foam. And, I got a boost of energy to pursue things locally, to push ahead with my projects, to seek my own funding.

Little incentive therefore to chase pie in the sky on the other side of the pond. Oh, I may still apply for the jobs. It's just that my expectations have gone out the door. It feels too often like just going through the motions. How I felt last week, it seems like this new plan is the way for me to go, forge off on my own, mark my territory, dig my niche.

So, where's my energy now? I need energy. I need drive. I need to find a second wind, and forget about the feelers I've already sent out. They may go nowhere. Intellectually, I understand the premise that my job is done once the application, or article, or what have you is sent out. That is, my job is done unless or until they follow up. I get stuck at that point, hoping, wishing, wondering, ruminating, theorizing. Ah, chuck it.

Actually, there's been some goodish news lately. I've been in touch with the editor of the journal that is publishing my dissertation distillation article. It should be published by the end of the month. It's a fairly new online journal in my field, which straddles the humanistic and scientific divide. It's quite exciting to be a part of that development. It's a home I really wish to claim. Mine will be (by far) the longest article they will have published (about twice the next longest), which in itself only tells me that, despite the length, they found it worthy of publication. I didn't set out to write a long article, merely a good one. I'm glad they deem it such. More importantly, mine will be their first article to incorporate multimedia elements. It's nice to be able to justify the online nature of the publication in this way. So, that's positive.

I'm still hoping something will come of all this. I'm not yet ready to walk away from the research, but the energy (as always) seems to ebb and flow. I'm at lowtide right now. Here's to watching my tide come in.

3 comments:

Lilian said...

Well, I hope the tide changes soon (though it will become low later... oh well). Sometimes when I read your musings I feel happy that at least I haven't finished yet, I still have something to look forward to - finishing and defending. We'll see how it'll be after that, I guess I'll join you in Post-Ph.D. Blues land... (my husband is there now, last week he was lamenting the fact that he should have been an architect).

Greg said...

Keep working on those articles--like for many people, that is where you seem to get the most satisfaction intellectually, and it is also what gets you noticed.

Dr. MetamorPhD said...

Your post expresses so much of what I am also going through in the post-PhD phase, especially this summer with little hope of an academic position for yet another year. It HAS to get better. Hard work HAS to pay off. Hang in there!

ps. new url is http://www.inawaymetamorphd.blogspot.com/