I feel the earth shaking a bit. I wonder. The house may sell, at a price that doesn't exactly make me smile... but sold, and done with is better than the alternative. This should be a relief, in some ways it is... but I'm not quite happy with the results.
I'm miserable, miserable feeling useless. Sitting on the sidelines. I'm tired, very tired of struggling for a job that like selling the house, I'm no longer certain will make me happy to receive.
I got an emailed rejection letter this afternoon. They hired an associate professor from another school. What am I competing against? And toward what end?
This afternoon we went to a party a couple blocks from the Boston Marathon route. We watched bits of it. The first group were wheelchair racers. I heard the cheering and shouting. From a distance I didn't think I'd take part... but watching people struggle, hold in mind a goal, work towards it, I cheered, I applauded, I felt like crying.
Yes, they deserved approbation, so I gave it, freely. Goals. Striving. Where is meaning, purpose? What's the point of this struggle anyway? The PhD... it's done. What's it mean? My mother has a friend who's been an adjunct for what 30 years? Adjunct at top schools too. She says I need to market myself as a [Field 1/subfielder], that I should try to fit in, present myself like the rest of the crowd.
First off, I can't... I won't. I don't blend. It's not in my nature. Does that make me uncollegial? I can't tell. Would it make me untenurable? I don't know. I'm just tired now... very tired.
There's a part of me, one that is growing today, that says, chuck it all.... Maybe I'll talk to some venture capitalists and see if I can get some ideas off the ground. Make me Director of Research & Development, give me a salary, and research funds, and I'll turn it into cash. I don't know how... but I've got ideas. I'm good with ideas. Follow through. That's harder... but not impossible. I did finish the dissertation, my dissertation. And I did it in quick time. Five years. That wasn't too bad.
Well, that's how I'm feeling today. As my grandmother used to say: tell me about it in a week... if you remember. Keep checking. We'll see if I remember.