Saturday, April 29, 2006


I sit alone in the departmental computer lab, hearing only the buzz and hum of machinery. My wife is home with the boys. Ostensibly, I'm working on my NEH proposal. But I sit here, uninspired, avoiding the draft I've written and reworked.

I feel unenthusiastic. Odd, since it's my chance to define a project. The situation with our house gets me down a bit. It's the uncertainty, the waiting. To put it briefly, the agents are dealing with figuring out how much they're willing to chip in to make the buyer happy, since we're done playing that game, and because they have far more to gain by making the transaction go through, than we have to lose by letting it die. Worst case, we still have the house.

I have this pit in my stomach, because I'd rather sell the place now, than deal with keeping it, but the price we pay for that convenience is already steeper than I'm comfortable with, a lot steeper. In any case, we should know by early next week, if it's going through or not.

It's the waiting. I wouldn't say that I'm a control freak, not in the usual sense. I think the phrase normally refers to people who want to control others. That's not me. But I have a strong desire to be in control of my own fate, to steer my own vessel. And just now, I'm adrift without a rudder.

The house, and consequently our finances. The career. These are big things about which I seem to have no control. Or at least, the control I have is far more indirect than I would like.

I like cooking, and weeding and pruning, because the results appear immediately. Impatience, Ungeduld. It weighs on me. Waiting is to me like a boulder that rests on my shoulders. I don't wish to wait, for I fear I will be crushed by its immensity.

Atlas may shrug, but the burden is not always lifted. What's needed perhaps is redirection. If only I can forget the weight, perhaps I'll get down to work.

*Updated* to add:
Just went down to buy a tuna sandwich and miscellaneous nibbles from the campus store. Maybe the food (and the modicum of exercise, down and up three flights) will give me inspiration enough to finish. I guess I realize that I'd much rather be home with my wife and sons, working in the garden, playing in the yard, doing projects. At least, right now, that's what I feel. Maybe that alone should give me inspiration to get this done, so I can go home and spend the rest of the weekend with my family.

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