Submitted, today

I clicked send. It was an article I had submitted a couple years ago to another journal [Field 1/subfield 1]. This time I submitted it to a [Field 1/subfield 2] journal, where perhaps it better fits. It's a short one, in stark contrast to my most recent 20,000+ words publication, under 5000 words this time. It's a theoretical paper, simple and direct, addressing some definitions of terms essential for clear methodological choices in the field.

The earlier submission had been the second one to this particular second-tier journal in my field. The first had been an exposition of a relatively new domain of research (which had been the subject of the panel I had organized in Belgium). It was rejected out of hand, which quite discouraged me. The second article had been submitted after a former professor of mine had taken over the helm as editor. He was polite, but thought it wasn't ripe enough to be published, and that possibly the fuller version might be more appropriate for certain other journals.

I can't say I have a high confidence level that the article will be accepted without major revisions, but I wanted to get something out there. Hopefully, I'll get some good feedback even if it is rejected. And, with a little luck, I'll get a "revise and resubmit" order, giving me some drive to move ahead.

There's always more to be done. I'm still coasting in neutral, wondering which way to turn, which path to tread. I feel like I'm almost capable of lurching in any number of directions, successfully landing on the best option. But that almost keeps staring me in the face.
________________________________

And, on a somewhat unrelated subject: we still haven't fully decided to move. Last night, my wife and I began drafting a response to the offer from Rocket Central. We've largely settled on the tack that we should at least make it clear that the only way she could commit to being there for the long haul would be if I were to land some sort of a post to continue my work in [Field 1] & [Field 2] studies. They are affiliated with (administered by) a University. There must be options.

One thing I realized last night, in conversation with my wife, was the following scenario:

• She accepts the offer at RC.
• We move, accepting the relocation benefits, which require her to remain for at least a year.
• I remain without strong or permanent affiliation, thus continue to actively pursue research and faculty opportunities.
• I receive an offer for employment somewhere (either where she can also work, or because the post is so ideal I can't turn it down)
• Then I'm left with either having to accept an offer, without the ability for my wife to pursue employment in the area at least until she'd fulfilled her promise, or being inclined to turn it down because of the difficulties it would present to our family life. Would I be able to accept a post under those circumstances, where I would either need to commute (possibly a great distance) for an uncertain period of time?

The point is, our main goal at the moment is to find a place to settle (at least for 3-5 years) where we can both pursue our careers. Further, one of the attractions of the possible move is the prospect of buying a house again. Yet the housing market in that area is still greatly inflated, and itching for a crash. If we bought, we'd have to buy low (meaning offers significantly below asking, and the likelihood of a long home search).

Such is the life of a family.

The planet is achanging

In other news, Pluto becomes a "dwarf planet," along with Ceres and Xena.

It's time

Dear [Field 1 Acquisitions Editor for Publisher],

It's been a while since we met in Belgium at [International Field 1 Conference] to discuss possibilities regarding [Subject of a Conference Panel I had organized and chaired]. I'm now finished with my PhD and well-ensconced as a post-doctoral researcher in the area of [Field 1] & [Field 2] Studies, including the study of [conference panel subject]. I wanted to make contact with you again, as I am now prepared and committed to dedicate a good deal of time to writing, and would like to discuss the possibility of publishing my work with [Publisher].

The first prospect is my dissertation, [Title], which focuses on [Topic], dealing both with the historical matters of [specific historical focus] as well as more timeless questions regarding perception and the relationship of [Field 1] to [Field 2]. (The complete document can be downloaded from [URL] on my PRW. The target audience is scholars in [Field 1/subfield 1] and [subfield 2] interested in 19th & 20th Century subjects, including [interdisciplinary area] and [Field 2 scholars] involved with the [Field 2 focus area]. An abbreviated and updated version of this work was recently published as the lead article in [Journal Name] and can be found online at: [Journal URL]

The timing is perfect to publish this as a book, as two separate related projects are currently underway by [European Country where I did my Fulbright year] scholars: the first by the [Foundation Name] to publish a complete edition of [focus of the dissertation]; the second by a group at [University] and the [Archives] to digitize the entire collection, facilitating further research. In addition, I am encouraged that [Field 1] & [Field 2] Studies is a fast emerging area of research.

There are several upcoming conferences in 2007 which focus on this area. One is at [Big Name Old University] in the UK, next May; another in August is the third Conference on Interdisciplinary [Field 1 studies] to be held in [Northern European Country]. Further, there is increasing interest from [Field 2] and from interdisciplinary groups interested in the cross-sections between [various research areas]. I recently presented a talk at [Conference Name] in Edinburgh, and anticipate giving another such paper at the annual meeting of the German Society of [Field 2] in [German City], this coming Winter.

I am currently engaged in a group of projects, dealing with different aspects of [Field 1] & [Field 2] Studies, each of which I expect to turn into publications. I will shortly begin gathering data for a longitudinal study of the [focus of study] to document and test questions regarding the impact of [data points] on the cognitive development of infants and children, correlating the inputs from earliest life to the children's later [Behaviors]. This is the first such study to include [Field 1] and [Field 2] on an equal footing.

Another project, currently under consideration for a grant by the National Endowment for the Humanities, is a follow up to my dissertation work. Using [topic of dissertation] as a jumping off point, I am surveying the history of [subject], and developing a system usable for [Field 1] & [Field 2] in order to best facilitate comparisons across these domains.

One area that I wish to help develop in [Field 1/subfields 1 & 2] studies is the [description of methodological shift]. I gave preliminary presentations of this work at the joint Southern/Nothern California meeting of the SOD, and as the invited speaker for the [Field 2] Colloquium at the University of Paradise both last May. The material under consideration included [description of materials].

Last March, I created a website dedicated to the integrated study of [Field 1] and [Field 2] [URL of PRW], which has steadily received 10-20 visitors a day since inception. I am thus encouraged that a growing audience exists for this work. Attached you will find a current copy of my CV. Please let me know if any of these projects pique your interests and seem appropriate to [Publisher]. I look forward to hearing from you. Perhaps I will see you in November at SOD in [City Name]?

Best regards,

Articulate

Not all waiting.

Did more cleaning and "purging" today. Cleared out the back hallway entirely, sorted through a bag full of stuff from my Fulbright year abroad. Finally got that sorted, and tossed what I don't want to keep. Pulled several boxes out of the backmost closet; some scrapbook stuff of my wife's (she can sort that); quite a few pictures that we ought to give away; a box full of old (mostly antique) cameras that my dad had been collecting, that I may be ready to part with now; some odd metal music boxes (also my dad's) that I definitely am ready to part with.

If we do move (which is quite likely) purging will help us become and stay more limber. Can't say how long we'd stay. No telling. At least a year (at least the family would stay the whole time) since my wife's relocation package would require that. It's hard to act "as if" even though I'm not ready to give up the applying. I did some internet searching today, looking into possible corporate positions. My heart is really in the research. I like teaching, but it's simply not in my hands to decide that right now.

So, the research has to be my focus. Is there a place in the corporate world for my research? Don't know. Could I get venture capital or a corporate grant to get moving ahead, with the contract that offers "first right of refusal" to any patentable work? The onus now rests squarely on me to figure all that out. Could be fun. I long most of all these days for a little stability, a little certainty about where I am and where I'm going.

For now... it's patience!

Back in town, ready to move on

Tick tick tick. I feel too much of my life of late has been spent just waiting for something. I'm one of those people who'd rather take the longer route, if it means not having to wait in traffic or at lights. I'm not much of a waiter.

It looks like the decision to move has mostly been made. Mostly, I say, because anything is possible, and because unfortunately, the choice to move is not an ideal one. Ideal would find both me and the Rocket Scientist happily and meaningfully employed in the same geographic area, and allow us to settle down for the next several years, cultivating a garden, building a treehouse with my sons, plugging away in my chosen field.

I've little or nothing to keep me here, but nothing yet in my corner where we're likely going. I will continue to pursue things in many directions at once, even if I've decided to forego an administrative career at this stage in my life. Easy to say when I've chosen not to apply.

Just now, as much as I hate it, I'm waiting. I'm waiting to be sure where we will be in the fall. I'm ready to get started on my longitudinal project, whatever it takes (but it will take a modicum of geographic stability). I just need a place to work, an office of sorts, some quiet and remove. The rest will come. I'll make sure of it.

Golden check-in

Here in Golden, visiting friends. Really, really nice. Friends are good. I didn't mention it before, among the things I found in my box of wonders was a Christmas card from 1993 from a friend whom I confess I had forgotten. But, from the letter, we must have been pretty good friends. So, I looked her and her husband up. I found an email, and sent her a blast from the past (without admitting that I really couldn't recall her). She wrote:

Wow! Hi Articulate. I'm totally thrilled to hear from you! I've actually been thinking about trying to track you down myself...you were always one of my favorite people at [Final Undergraduate School].

I'm so pleased to be renewing old friendships, even if it'll take me a few contacts to refresh my memory. So many moves, so many friendships faded. It's time for me to renew them, time to replenish my youthful exuberance, my dreams, my passions.

I don't know what the next few years will bring. But I'm determined to not lose myself. Life is just simply too good.

Be well, my friends. Many of you I will meet some day. In the meantime, I will enjoy my trip, and I will find a way to shine brightly again.

Flying to the mountains soon

We'll be leaving for the airport soon. I hate to leave you, my friends, with the down post of yesterday night. I will endeavor to enjoy these days, visiting friends in the mountains and the valley. And I will smile as my wife recounts her own success, and as my friends ask and tell about life.

Exciting things are afoot. Change is good. Even if we stay (the decision is ours alone), it is wonderful to be steering our own course, to be standing side by side in this tour of life, and finding direction from outside, even when the storms blow in swirls within.

I wish I knew

I wish I knew how to express my joy and delight in other's success in the face of my own repeated and ignoble failure. I wish I could convey that I truly believe that the triumphs others achieve reflect their own merits and worth, that everything they receive is in measure of all that they contribute, that they indeed deserve it. I don't really want them to feel too overly lucky in comparison. It's not really fair. It's not simply luck. Success is not the result of random chance.

I wish that I could say all those things, and have them be believed, despite the sinking depths of my own despair that the same can not be said on my behalf. I wish I could truly allow others to understand that my own depression (while motivated by circumstance) has little or nothing to do with comparisons to their own opposing circumstance.

I dread to be with friends who I know will ask me, in all good meaning, how things are going, and what I am up to these days. I need to practice the art of talking about others lives without mentioning my own.

Tonight, my wife said that she had hoped I would work with a career coach in part because she feels she can no longer be my counselor. I will fall silent. I am the turtle in my shell. But I will hide myself too much I fear. Perhaps. But maybe I will clamp shut just enough, avoid discussions of the things that bring me down, long enough for the circumstances to possibly change.

It is always up and down. Fake it 'til you make it, I guess.

Decision time

The Rocket Scientist finally got her call back from HR at Rocket Central. She has a verbal offer (they explain they'll put nothing in writing until they have a verbal acceptance and a tentative start date). The offer is basically dead even on salary with what she's pulling in now (though we suspect the cost of living is somewhat cheaper there, at least housing is almost assuredly so).

We head to Denver for about a week tomorrow morning (lots of vacations this summer, much more than I'm accustomed to). So, we'll have time to think. [Anyone in the area want to meet up?]

My gut says, new is good. My head tells me maybe it's time to be out from under the spell of the University of Paradise. Cut the umbilical cord so to speak. There's little here (professionally) to keep me. But there's nothing for me yet there. I've sent out feelers, but I've got nothing in return.

Downside is, we might find ourselves in the same position in a year. Maybe I'll have an offer in hand, and we'd have to consider yet another move, or I'd be commuting to who-knows-where. Yet, that's down the road. It might be the same if we stayed here. I'm always the one who's game for change. The Rocket Scientist is a bit more cautious by nature. In part, it reflects our upbringing. She lived in two homes before she went to college, having moved from a condo into a house when she was about 4. Me? Well, I lived at least 8 different places before college, but bear in mind, I started college at 15. Then I moved another 7 times (we're talking cities here, not households, that'd be about double I guess) before meeting her.

Professionally the decision is hers but I think her leaning in that regard is clearly on the side of change. Her present employer (at least in this location) is making weird moves, leading rumors to fly that they may be shutting down this facility in the next year. Right now, we're in a good position for a move, other than the likelihood that I won't find permanent work in the area, meaning either a commute for me, or another upheaval for the family in a year or so. Who knows?

Decisions decisions.

Another page from the box

Found in the same box of wonders I wrote about yesterday. This is undated, but I'm guessing it was from around 2000-2002, before my first son was born.

The things I want in life
- Close, intimate, honest companionship
- To raise a happy family with the Rocket Scientist
- To give to my family, friends, and community
- Leisure to enjoy the simple pleasures in life:
     - good food
     - nature
     - music
     - reading
     - theater
- To always be learning
- To be a part of education, and forwarding human knowledge
- To know that my life is a positive mark on the history of humankind
- Good health
- Simple comforts
     - expenses without worries
     - comfortable furniture
     - lighting
     - plants

Not too much really. And, on most counts, I've succeeded. In any case, I'm not too far off track.

Nostalgia, life, and time

First, a poem that I had completely fogotten, and don't recall having written, but whose handwritten form and style is unmistakably mine (undated, but likely from around 1995).

Birth and Old Age

No,
     not like the old lady
          at a hundred and three,
          who stands on her porch,
          and smiles...
          through the gape in her teeth,
          and cackles ...
          as only old lades,
               at a hundred and three,
                    can cackle,
          at a stranger passing by,
          unsuspecting,
          on the walk that fronts her house for the past eighty years,
          and says,
               with as much a glint
                    as the eye of an old lady,
          at a hundred and three,
               can manage to glint,
          "You know? Today I am a hundred and three,"
          as much to herself,
               as to the passerby,
          as much of disbelief as belief,
          as much to the wood paneling
               of her walls for the past eighty years,
          as to anything alive,
          and falls off silent,
          nothing much more to say ...
               than that.

No,
          not like her.

No,
          when I am old,
               and I shall stand on my porch,
          and glint,
               and smile,
                    and gape,
                         at a passerby,
                              unsuspecting of my life
                                   or my intent,
          I shall say,
               "You know? Today I am a day old,
               This is the day I am born!"

My wonderful wife reminded me over the weekend of the full form of the motto we once recited together, the latter half of which I've mentioned here before: Live each day as if it were your first, with the wide-open wondering eyes of a child.

I was cleaning up this weekend. There is a box, in a back hallway, that has been sitting since we moved in, more than a year ago, gathering dust, the top half opened, awaiting my attentions. On top, were oversized x-rays of the progress of my father's invasive bone metasteses from the prostate cancer that slowly killed him, over three excruciating years. I finally put them, gently, into the waste bin. What am I to do with them now?

Underneath, was a box full of papers, writings, essays, letters, poems. I began sorting through them, tossing only but a tiny portion of pages, random notes which have lost their meaning. I spent a good long time rereading letters sent to and received from lovers past. I smiled at it all. The love was true, even if the pain that accompanied those relationships was as well. They formed me as much as any school I attended, or job I held. They are a part of my life. It is good to remember.

And I smiled at my life today as well. I saw in my scribblings from years ago, a desire to be happily settled in a relationship, to have children. Those were goals I had held from my earliest memory. And, I am there on both counts. 38 years is not so old, and yet it is a long time to have gathered experiences and memories. There are so many lives there. Sad, reading over letters received and postcards, there are so many "close friends" whom I have entirely forgotten, unable to draw forth an image of their faces, unable to hear their voices in my head. I read their words, and wonder what ever happened. Why have I forgotten them? Why did I let our friendship fade? Except of course the lovers, whom I recall in vivid detail, despite the time that has passed. I can almost smell them, feel their skin, touch their hair, hear their laughter.

There is something cleansing about reading over an over "I love you" written by different hands. It is validating of its own truth, though past. I do not long for those days, but I am happy I had them, that I was able to share them, to experience them. There is pain in the passions of a teenager and a twenty-something. But there is also glory and wonder. At least for me there was. It is good to remember.
___________

So now we wait. My wife received a voice mail from Rocket Central on Friday, but was unable to reach them after lunch. She should speak to them today. She and I talked and talked, and walked on the beach, and had dinner, and made love, and talked more about today and tomorrow and the next few years, and life, and careers, and family.

Whatever the next few weeks bring should have a major impact on what we do over the next year or two or three. We may choose to stay here, holding out for yet one more season. We'll set our exit strategy in place. We are not stuck. The wheel is firmly in our hands, even if we let loose the sails a bit, to see which way the winds will turn our vessel. The heading is ours to decide, ours to recover if the wind's choice is not to our liking.

As High Valley remains unapplied for

Tasse,

You always have a way to make me smile. Ah... so the grass is always greener on the other side, but the other side keeps shifting positions, eh? As for the dean's post, there's nothing for you to do. They'll contact you if I'm on the short list (assuming I go through with the application).

Sure, it's tough to let go of my ego, to hold onto silence as my friend, to single-mindedly pursue my work in the face of repeated failure to attain what it is I think I seek.

I'm trying to keep that 5-10 year goal in mind. Three years is a long time, at least long if I don't know the direction. To some extent it feels like the last 6 haven't gotten me any closer to my goal. Of course, in sober moments, I know that can't be true... I'm just stuck (for a time) in Xeno's paradox: I'm closer, yet it's still out of reach.

Back to your three-year fellowship. What would I do with my time? Partly, I would work on publications and presentations. I'm doing that, perhaps not as much as I would be, if I could simply let go of my worries.

In part however, the projects I wish to work on (like my [Longitudinal Study]) require a bit more stability than I have at the moment. The [Field 2 project I've been working on periodically since finishing the diss] and my [crossover project (the NEH grant)] are things I could be working on more.

I would like also to hone up my knowledge and experience in brain imaging, with the hope that I can bridge some gaps between the humanities and the sciences. I've read a good deal of the neuroscience literature relevant to x & y studies.

Collaborating with researchers in that domain (even unpaid) would give me more street cred with that crowd, and just as importantly, would help rebuild my confidence level, which I confess has been shot through from the experience of this past year or so. Let go, but keep my eyes open. Maybe that perfect job is just around the corner.

I'm with you Tasse. Thanks for sticking by me. I do wish I better understood the machinations that go into hiring decisions. Even if I let go of worrying now, I do eventually wish to land a post. The Leprechaun paints a picture of fearfully conservative committees rejecting nearly out of hand anything new or unusual. Mike Horowitz says that's how mediocre departments work, but not the outstanding ones. Yet, he adds: "Victory goes to the bull-shitters. Get the job first, then do your work." [SIGH]

Well, I'm here, and I'm staying on the path. I'm too damn stubborn to give up now.

Enjoy,
Articulate

Dear Articulate:

Make your inquiries the center of your professional life. As long as you feel you're learning, and as long as you keep thinking and writing, none of the employment stuff matters. At many of the places you could get hired, you'd "grow old quickly" teaching sections of intro to [Field 1] or elements of [Field 1] for dummies. I know how much you want to find something, but it will come when it will come. You don't want to be like the girl who marries the first guy who looks at her and spends the rest of her life regretting it.

In our fields eventually the work one does speaks for itself. Focus on doing exciting things, try to imagine important journals, etc. etc. and keep moving forwards. Damn man, when you do get your interview, you want to project the notion that you are perfectly happy doing what you are doing, and that while you'd consider their job, you don't need it. You'll be more relaxed, and even more impressive.

Cheers,
Tasse

Tasse Plein
Professor and Chair, [Field 1]
Big Eastern Private University

(Un-)sheltered childhood

Prof. Me's recent posting got me thinking. I too am a parent who tries not to shelter my sons from reality. I'm the type of father who simply can't resist showing them the way to do things, open cabinets, turn on machinery, even if I know I may regret the results. But I figure knowledge is to be shared, and better they learn under my supervision, so I know they know how to do something, than they discover on their own, while I'm not watching.

She mentioned 9/11/01. I found this note hidden away on my computer. The Painter was but two months into gestation at that point.

Wednesday, September 12, 2001

To my yet-unborn child:

I sit here and wonder what kind of world this will be for you to be born into. And yet I know that the world is as it ever has been. And even people are as they have always been. Mostly good, some strong, some weak, a few exceptional in any way. And among those few exceptions, there are those whose actions lead us to conclude they are evil. This week we have seen the consequences of this apparent evil.

And all the while, you float in the protective chamber of your mother’s womb where you grow, unknowing of these things in the outside world. I told your mother that I think her most important job right now is tending to your growth and birth. She agreed. Many have often despaired of the conditions of our world, going so far as to forego pregnancy, in the thought that this is no kind of a world to bring another life into. But I take a different tack: the world needs more good people. It is our fondest hopes, designs and expectations that you will come to be among those needed good people.

When I was a child, my parents, your grandparents, taught me that my life had a purpose: to make the world a better place for my having lived. At times this purpose has been a burden, and yet an unshakable one, because I have ever felt that such a purpose was my duty. In Hebrew, an ancient language of some of your ancestors, there is a phrase tikkun olam, which means “heal the world”. It is a long-standing heritage that I pass on to you. Guard it well, and don’t despair if at times it seems an unbearable task. It is yours for life, just as it remains mine for as long as I live. I hope in both case that that shall be a long time yet to come.

As I hope to raise you, I will try not to trouble you with so much of the evil and sadness and grief of this world. I will attempt to fill you with wonder and love and hope instead. If at times I fail, please forgive me. That is why we need you, my child, to improve on us, and to bring your own unique perspective, grown of your experience in life.

I love you,

Your Father (yet-to-be)

Karl-Heinz writes

In response to my email from a week ago:

Hi Articulate:

It is good to hear from you. I am not quite sure if I have the kind of
position that you are looking for.

I have an NIH grant on x & y under review. That grant has a postdoc position in it, but I won't hear about it until November. I have currently one postdoc position that is not filled, but there is only 5-6 more months of funding left. It is an x & z project. I might get a second year of funding, but I won't know for another few months.

You might be eligible for a National Research Science Award. These are postdoctoral fellowships from the NIH. You would need an advisor that has NIH grant support (which I have). I would be willing to sponsor you for this grant category if you want to work with me.

Hope this gives you some information. Let me know if you want to explore this further.

Best,
Karl-Heinz

updated to add:

Dear Karl-Heinz,

This all sounds good. I'd like to hear more about your x & z and x & y projects. Could you send me the proposals or an abstract? I have an outstanding NEH grant myself on [related area]. I won't hear back on that until December. Thinking about my 5-10 year goal (to be a director of a center for the study of x & y), a post-doc in cognitive neuroscience today, honing up my knowledge and experience in that domain, especially in your lab which is focused in my area of interest, would be quite useful. So, I'm flexible on details. Let's keep talking.

Best,
Articulate

What makes you happy?

Okay, so here's an observation and a question. The thing I've learned is that the grass is always greener on the other side, it's just the other side is always... well, the other side. :)

No matter how much you have in life, there is always something lacking. Our dreams change, our expectations alter, our goals shift. Out here in the academoblogosphere, I learn that while I am miserable about this job search, about the uncertainty of my status, of whether the effort in this direction or that will pay off down the road, I realize that there are many others who have the things I ostensibly want (a tenure track job, for instance) who are truly none the happier for it.

There are those who suffered like I for years seeking a post, getting ever more bitter along the way, only to attain that dream, then have it shattered by closed-mindedness and bigotry, or what have you. And there are many more who look at what I do have in life with great envy. I mean, I have a wonderful spouse, two beautiful creative boys, a comfortable amount of savings, and a great deal of freedom to choose my path.

I don't want to be bitter. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth, and makes it harder to enjoy all the delicious foods I cook. As What Now? recently put it in a comment on this blog:

My friends hung in there with me, but I didn't like being around me!

And there you have it in a nutshell. But the question remains, what makes someone happy? How do we get there? BrightStar recently asked similar questions.

I recall when my wife was miserable those many years ago, before we moved to Paradise for me to pursue the PhD. What I recognized in her was that it was all attitude and expectations. She had entered her field with wide-eyed idealism. She wanted to change the world for the better, colonize space, explore the universe. And what she wound up doing was working indirectly on television satellites, so people could have 113 channels instead of 103.

She was ready for a change, and we took one. She contemplated going back to school, or entering a different field entirely. She's the scientist with the soul of an artist, and I'm the artist with the heart of a scientist. Together we make a pretty good pair. In the end, she figured the move 1100 miles was change enough, so she stuck to her work. It was a known quantity.

I asked her this morning whether she were happy with work. Pretty much, sometimes. Ah, so there's the clincher. It's us, not it. Look inside, my friend, myself. Find what it is you want.

High Valley, step two (but will I apply?)

Hi Tasse,

I just saw this post come up at High Valley Community College. Deadline is this Friday. I'm planning to apply. At least I know the Rocket Scientist could get a good job within about an hour's drive, and it'd finally give me a jumpstart on my career. My 5-10 year goal is to be a director of a center for the study of x & y. The question is, how do I get there. Wallowing in unemployed uncertainty, even actively pursuing publications and conference presentations (which I'm doing), isn't necessarily going to get me there any faster.

I have been considering options for postdocs in [the science end of things]. Yet, the director of a lab in the UK, where I applied for a recent opening stated that she'd have shortlisted me, but for the fact that I'm not an EU citizen, and they must give preference to EU candidates, as long as they meet the minimum qualifications. So, the idea of finding a post in the UK is pretty much shot, though I keep trying. At least in that case I know why.

We've taken the attitude that our principal goal at the moment is to find meaningful work for both of us (ideally within an hour's commute of each other) that will keep us occupied and satisfied for 3-5 years. The hope is that the next 3-5 will get me closer to my 5-10 goal.

In any case, attached is the CV I've worked up for the dean position, and the job description. I've also asked Dean Horowitz (with whom I had lunch a couple weeks ago) whether he'd be willing to serve as an additional reference. Not holding my breath on this one (as I'm not on any of the jobs I apply for). But I do think it's getting to be time for some positive developments. I begin to tire of my own impatience.

Let me know your thoughts, I know this is territory you have some experience with.

Best,

Articulate

Dear Articulate:

Ah, so your ego can't take my idea of the "three year fellowship"? I don't blame you. it's hard, really hard to make that work. Although, i might add, that once you get involved with your "meaningful employment" you'll realize how much crap there is in that world too, and perhaps you'll long for the good old days. (Some of this is on faith, but I have the example of Wife, M.D. before me. Believe it or not, she got fired from her job as department chair in March. She was devastated, of course, but I seldom recall her being happier than she is now...)

Anyway, you can always count on me for a rec.

Sending you warm wishes, and a special brucha or two towards the job you want.

Cheers,
Tasse

Dear Michael [Dean Horowitz],
I'm planning to submit this Friday an application for a Dean's position at High Valley Community College. If it were to work out, it'd be a good opportunity for my wife and I to work in the same geographic region, and for me to finally jumpstart my career in academia. Would you be willing to serve as one of my references?

Attached, for your perusal, is the job listing and the CV I've worked up for the application.

Best regards,
Articulate

Dear Articulate,

I'd be honored.

Michael

Five year plan dilemma

High Valley Community College
Division Dean of X
Salary: $98,439-$113,398/Annually
$100,369-$115,328 (earned doctorate degree)

Advocate and promote quality instruction and student success; develop and maintain a campus climate based on trust, collaboration and respect; and encourage and facilitate change. Under the general supervision of the Assistant Superintendent/Vice President for Instructional Services, the Division Dean, X will provide leadership for the division and will be responsible for the management and supervision of programs and staff.

Deadline date: Friday, August 11, 2006

Alright. First off, do I qualify? Let's see:

• knowledge of state laws, rules, and regulations pertaining to community colleges (uh... nope)
• collective bargaining contracts (I'm like, what, a union specialist here?... nope)
• budget management (Sure, I can handle a budget, but the budgets I've managed are small... but hey, I've been treasurer of a small professional society for 8 years now. That should count)
• grant proposals and fundraising (uh... check! I've gotten myself quite a few grants. I've got over five years fundraising experience, 3 for a university foundation, and another year or so for a non-profit relevant to the division's focus)
• experience with the diverse needs of non-traditional students (um... yeah. Look I've been a non-traditional student much of my life. My bachelor's degree -here's a tidbit for you- is a B.G.S., that's Bachelor of General Studies, albeit with High Honors, from the College of Continuing Studies at a major state research university. I've attended, all told, for varying lengths, count 'em, SEVEN post-secondary schools, community colleges, research one universities, and private liberal arts schools. I've taught at a community college for non-majors, and lectured for graduate students and faculty in R1 programs. I'm good)
• individualizing the instructional program (ha! You mean for me, or for others? I think I could do this. Check)
• manage relationships with private and public employers and community-based organizations (I think so. I've served on the board at a community theater, a big brothers/big sisters league)
• professional organizations (yeah, done that. I think I could handle it)
• Posess a Master's Degree or higher (uh... yeah. Got that.)
• Significant experience or educational achievement in one of the disciplines (uh, yeah, I think so)
• Three years or more faculty experience at the secondary or college level. (Probably. I taught six terms, including summers, at the community college, before my PhD. I was the principal instructor for a graduate course at my doctoral institution. I taught privately, but at the college level, for another three years. I've guest lectured for 7 classes over the past five years, all at the university level. Additionally, I've given 6 invited lectures at universities during the same period)

So, then, what would keep me from applying? Well, is this where I want to be? Now, or in the future? See, that's the clincher. I know where I want to be in 5-10. I want to be director of an interdisciplinary institute or center on my area of study, bringing together researchers and faculty from a variety of disciplines and methodological backgrounds to focus on the subject matter. I want to live and work in the same general geographic area as my wife and family. I'm talking ideally within an hour of where she works, so neither of us would have too much of a commute. I want both of us to have meaningful work, where we are productive, appreciated, and well-utilized.

That said, we're on a five year plan. What happens over the next few years is in service to that 5-10 year goal, period! This opportunity is about 80 miles from a place where the Rocket Scientist could likely get work in her area of expertise. It's also about 50 miles from another location, which though she hasn't heard any recruitment mumblings from there, we do have a friend who works there, someone she worked with in the late 90s.

Those are all on the upside. Also, just look at that salary range. We're talking a good twice what I could be making as a junior asst. prof. somewhere, if I could even land such a post. I like being a leader. I think I listen well, I handle challenges reasonably well, I'm able to grasp various viewpoints, and the needs of disparate constituencies. I'd make a good dean. I always thought it was something I'd move into after gaining years of experience, but why not start at the top and work down?

Downs: well, do I really want all the stress of management? Would the distractions keep me from getting any research done? Would I get stuck, and eventually forget the 5-10 year goals?

I don't know. It's still a lot of work to hone that CV for an administrative post. But, maybe I should do it. What a life. One day, I apply for adjunct positions, with no benefits, no job security, and pay somewhere south of janitorial staff, the next I'm thinking of applying for this.

Any thoughts?

What I am doing

Thanks to my friends for comments, sympathy, and encouragement on my downer post from yesterday.

Yes indeed, I am doing things to stay afloat. Yesterday, I submitted a conference abstract for a [Field 2] conference in the coming winter in Germany. I've got another abstract to submit this week for a conference in the UK. This latter one was brought to my attention by one of the organizers in a request that I add it to the conferences page of my PRW. The focus of the conference is the exact cross-disciplinary topic of my research website.

I'm trying to keep up on deadlines, and keep up on my summer goals as well (though I won't fret too much if I don't actually submit four articles!). It's the job applications, and the associated inquiries, that get me down mostly. I keep looking ahead and all I see is a massive tangle of options, like some nightmarish futuristic vision of highway cloverleafs in 5 dimensional space! Aaaaahhh!

Inventive

I just have to share this with you. The Inventor, at 20 months, has become quite the articulate one (albeit still holophrastically). His latest favorite ritual is to find me at the laptop, wherever I may be in the house, look me dead in the eyes and state "up" or "done", followed quickly by a sweeping hand gesture and the word "close". It's so charming that I have to oblige, at least 80% of the time. That's all.

What have I become?

Years ago, a friend of my wife's (let's call her Kay) would call, every few weeks or so, with one purpose alone: to bemoan the state of her romantic life. She would flit from one deadbeat to another, each relationship lasting a few spare months or weeks, usually dangling on by a thread for the longer than the shorter, just to make her that bit more miserable, and to enable her to bore me and my wife to tears as she recounted the horrors of her existence. As you might suspect, my wife (as ever) had more patience than I. Fortunately, Kay eventually found a fine fellow (though I can't account for his sense of taste!), and we attended the wedding.

The point of this is neither to introduce you to Kay, nor to discuss relationships, but rather to introduce an annoying element of people: their undying propensity to bore others with their whining. And, as the song says "... and here I go, again". What have I become?

I'm a whiner. I'm a sad sack, miserable, mumbling, can't get anywhere kind of a guy. I don't smile enough anymore. I'm not as nice to people as I would like to be. I more often recognize their incompetence than their humanity.

Sheepish on Happy Ending recently posed the question: Work is what you do, not who you are. Agree or disagree?. But... what I am right now is miserable. Sure, my work is merely one aspect of my life, but just now, I'm stuck... because without that aspect of my life on track, any track please!, I'm adrift, lost without a compass, no heading, no wind, no stars, just... empty.

And thus, I find myself become a wretch with whom any of my former selves would shirk to associate. Indeed, even the wretch of myself that I am becoming recognizes this, as his eye contact (with anyone) is kept for the most part to a bare minimum. Not me. Not like me. I'm an outgoing, jolly, happy, sociable, clever, fun, roll-with-the-punches, chameleon kind of a fellow. But what have I become?

Coming soon... the book meme

Okay, so now I've been tagged (at least) twice on this book meme, by Trillwing and Propter-doc. I guess I need to step up to the plate and swing. Coming soon...

Time on my hands...

... and I guess that's why they call them the blues.

For everything... there is a season.
I suppose for me this is the season of existential crises.

Not all is bad. I feel we still, as a family, are on the cusp of something, some big change. But you can only trim the sails, according to the wind. There are some things we have no power over. The winds are still unsettled, and our course is yet to be charted.

The inlaws afforded the Rocket Scientist and me some well appreciated (and I think well deserved) time to take our next sailing class, together for once. We took a private lesson, just the two of us with an instructor, two full days (9-5) on Thursday and Friday. The tests were yesterday morning, and we both passed.

We're now certified to sail (and operate) a vessel about 30 feet in length. On Sunday, we take the whole crew out (the boys, the inlaws, the au pair and one of her friends) on a 42 footer. I guess the folks at the sailing center trust we'll do well enough to rent a bit above certification. It should be nice.

But then, the time passes, and I'm back where I am, wondering which path to tread. There's a postdoc opportunity in the mountains far away from here. It's similar to the one I was recently passed over in the UK. I checked the airplane commutability of it, from the nearest airport to Rocket Central (assuming, of course, because we've yet to hear anything official!). In my strange fantasy of a world, it's manageable (if I could work only 4 days per week on campus). Possible.

Dear Steve,

I just noticed your posting on PostdocJobs.com. My PhD is in [Field 1] and [Interdisciplinary Field] from the University of Paradise. Currently, I am a postdoctoral Visiting Scholar in [Field 2]. My research interests focus on [Research Focus].

My work has included a great deal of study of the neuroscience and psychology literature, however I've yet to engage in hands-on imaging myself. Moving my research directly into the realm of brain imaging has long been my intention. This post-doc could provide me the perfect opportunity to develop those skills and experience, while contributing to the field through my background and training in [Field 1], [Field 2] and [Interdisciplinary Field].

I attach my current CV. You may also visit my research website at [URL], which includes several research proposals. As an indication of my background in these areas, see in particular my [Relevant Annotated Bibliography] listed in the sidebar.

Please let me know if [your lab] would welcome my application for this post. I thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

Yours,
Articulate

Articulate,
You sound like you have an interesting background. I'm looking for someone with neurobiology background, but your research approach might be applicable. I've also attached a couple pdf's so you can read up on some of my lab's recent work. If you think this might be within your sphere of interest, by all means send in your application.

Sincerely
Steve

I'm reading. But the more I read, and the more I think about moving into the science end of my interests, the more it feels right to me. I'm saddened by the thought that I have wasted much of the past six years, pursuing a degree in the wrong field. But then, in sober moments, I realize my true field is amorphous. I know what I'm studying, it simply doesn't fit squarely within the confines of an established university discipline. That's alright. I've chosen my area of research, because it is what most interests me. And, frankly, while I admit it's within the realm of considerations, I'm not really planning to go to medical school next year. What can I do as a post-doc, starting where I am, to most efficiently get where I want to be?

When I mentioned the prospect of a long commute for me to Young Mountain City, my wife proposed that she of course could look for work in that area. Ah, yes. That's our plan, our goal: find meaningful work for both of us in the same geographic area; find someplace that we can live and settle for the next 3-5 years. Can't ask much more than that for the time being. Nothing is certain. But it's a goal.

Which way to turn? That's the question.

[Here's from a colleague, someone I admire and respect who happens to work in my research area from the science end. He had written to congratulate me on my recent publication, and this is the result of the ensuing email exchange]:

Hi Articulate,

I guess one fundamental choice you have to make is whether you plan to stick to [Field 1] or move into [Field 3]/ [Interdisciplinary Field]. If you choose the latter, you'll probably want to consider getting some training (e.g. at least a Master's degree). Probably more school is the last thing you want right now.

You have a strong background in [Field 1] and I imagine that you are a gifted teacher, so my personal advice would be to look for a position in that field.

Regards,
Anand

[Sent to another lab director, whom I met at an SII conference a couple years ago, and with whom I've kept up occasional contact]:

Dear Karl-Heinz,

I am currently on the market for appropriate research opportunities. I very much wish to move more into the realm of imaging studies, and to develop my skills in that domain. I would like to inquire as to what opportunities there might be for me to serve as a post-doctoral researcher in your lab. Attached please find my current CV. For further information about my interests and activities, you may visit my research website at [URL]

Best regards,

Articulate

Inlaws visiting

Hello Friends,

Just a quick check-in. My inlaws are visiting, the Rocket Scientist and I are still waiting for the offer from Rocket Central, and for any other news that might come. I did get a couple more "we hired someone else" letters this week, including one from Tough Commute University. Back to the drawing board.

I contacted a Career Coach, whom I'll be talking to for an initial consultation this week. Started reading a book on academic publishing. I'm pushing ahead. Articles, conference papers, a book or two. But, this week is mostly vacation. My wife is taking off from work (though she remains "on call" if they need her), and the inlaws are here. I'm trying not to hibernate. Enjoying my wonderful family is an important reminder that life indeed is good.

Be well, I'll be checking in as I can, and I'm sure I will have much to say, as the silent contemplations of this week settle in.

Hussein

Can anyone explain to me why the trial of Saddam Hussein has now adjourned until October when he'll received his sentence, except for one itsy bitsy little tidbit? Um... isn't October just a month before the mid-term elections in the U.S.? Gee, a conviction (assured) could be touted as some positive news coming out of Iraq, eh? I mean, am I just paranoid, or are the manipulations that transparent? I really can not fathom why a trial of such magnitude would adjourn for FOUR MONTHS between the conclusion of evidence and arguments and the issuing of sentencing.

ooh, some good news

I'm pleased and proud. My "dissertation distillation" article is now online! And I'm tickled that it is the first article of this journal (3rd issue) to incorporate multimedia elements that help justify the online nature of the publication. There are some things you simply can't do in static print. Anyone who's truly interested, drop me an email, and I'll send you the link.

Got working today on my next article submission. I haven't forgotten my goal to submit four articles this summer. I took a look over the submission deadlines for several conference calls for papers. I've got a feeling I'll be doing quite a bit of travelling next year. Once I've satisfied myself with immediate article submissions (whether it's four or two), I'm going to get serious about a book proposal.

Remember that search from the publisher? See, I met with their [Field 1] editor a few years ago, when I organized and chaired an unusual conference panel in Belgium. I was surprised and pleased to receive the email from the editor requesting a meeting at the conference, to discuss possibilities, but at that point, I was barely ABD, and needed to take care of my dissertation before I launched another project. If they're still interested enough in me to wonder what I'm up to, I might as well cultivate my interest in them.

_____

The inlaws arrive tomorrow, for a week. The Rocket Scientist will be taking time off. It should be (another) good break from things, just to enjoy life. I'm feeling a bit better about it all, trying to remember that "three year fellowship" plan. Reading over my article on line, and the rest of the journal, reminds me how happy I really am in my work. I need to get back to it. Job applications be damned, if need be.

Everyone believes...

Last week, I heard back from a friend, an assistant professor in [Field 1], who herself spent several years looking for a faculty post before landing one.

Hi, Articulate,

...Sounds like you have been very busy with activities that will place you in a good position for your dream job. It is such a precarious business we're in, but don't lose heart. I'm sure the perfect job is out there (or will be soon). As you probably know, there are so many factors that go into hiring, some over which you have no control and really can't prepare for. Just continue to do your best and send out applications religiously. ...

Wishing you all the best. Greetings to your family.

Jill

I wallow too much in self-pity. I've been a poor citizen here in the blogosphere, writing my posts (infrequently) but falling way behind in my reading of others, almost silent in my comments to their travails. I apologize, my friends. In some ways I feel quite selfish, self-indulgent. I tire myself out with all the bad news and disappointment. Of course, I have little control over receiving it.

But, why do I continue here at all? Why do I post these things, many so personal? In part, it is because I can't believe I am alone in this. To my mind, I suffer unnecessarily. My talents are wasted in surreptitiously applying for jobs. If my dream job is out there, it is not for me alone. Neither am I the only one worthy of such a dream job, nor would I waste the opportunity to accomplish good with it.

Ah, but what does that mean? There are so many ways to accomplish good in this life, so many ways to practice tikkun olam. Indeed, there is great suffering in the world today. Should I go into politics? (I tried that: for four years 12, 14, 18 hours a day; when I was 17 until I was 21.) Could I go back to what I was before? (You can never go back.)

No! I must go forward, in whatever way that means. I know it's time for a fresh start, a new way of doing things, a renewed energy. Does that mean I will leave this all behind? No. This work, these dreams are a part of me. I will still apply for faculty and post-doc jobs. But I can not let it rule me so much. Soon, soon enough we will get the offer from Rocket Central, and we can see what that will mean for us, whether they can help land me a position at the university, research, adjunct, admin. We shall see.

Mostly, I need to forge ahead, look with horse-blinders at the road in front of me. Everyone who got where they are, started where they were. Strive for excellence in all things that you do. I look to my sons, and see their wonder, their trust, their curiosity. I wish to give them a world where these things are rewarded. I must believe in that world.

Foreign service

I discovered this morning who was behind the Oslo, Norway search of my name. It was an old friend of mine, who now works in the foreign service, somewhere in Europe. It would appear that Norwegian embassies worldwide are routed through Oslo. It's always nice to hear from old friends, to know someone is thinking about me.

Hi Articulate,
by a chance I saw somewhere your name and then I found your email address. (I hope it is you:)) how is your life going? we really haven't been in touch for a long time and i hope you are doing well...with all your ambitious and life spirit:))...

What a joy to hear from her! Our story is not quite the tale recently recounted by Prof. Me, but it is a fond memory.

Yesterday, I listened through a segment on NPR on life in the foreign service. (Here's Part I, and today's Part II segment). There is something attractive to me in the foreign service. And yet, I fear the mediocre foreign policy of the Clinton years (now, just how many civilian casualties did WE cause in bombing Kosovo? And how many Balkan war criminals are still at large?) and the ABSOLUTE DISASTER of foreign policy during the Bush years (which makes the errors of the previous administration appear like tripping on the sidewalk and skinning a knee, next to butchering a village... repeatedly!) have poisoned the image of America abroad for the next two generations.

It is an economist's view that risk should be balanced against potential benefits. The risk to an American serving abroad today is absolute; the benefits (certainly under the current administration) are likely negligible. I grow sick to my stomach every time I hear Bush or Condaleezza Rice pontificate on how we aim to mold the world in our own image ("We need always to be ... cognizant of ... and looking to ... what kind of a Middle East we are trying to build...").

Don't these people get it? We are not the great overlords with unchallengeable wisdom to match our power. We are a people, a nation, flawed and imperfect as we are inspired and capable. We must respect others, listen to them, understand them, challenge and chastise when we see fit. But we must be partners in the world, not rulers. True leadership is not bullying. They are not the same.

We must accept difference. Above all, we must rout hypocrisy from our own ranks and policies. We can not argue on the one hand that we oppose tyranny, yet make open deals with tyrants. We can not on the one hand claim we fight for the spread of democracy, yet arm and sustain those whose policies are undemocratic. In short, the world is not black and white, the only colors this administration sees. If we must be pragmatic, we must also be honest.

So, I guess the foreign service is out for me, for the forseeable future.

...and so it goes

Dear Jocelyn,
I just wanted to follow up. What's the decision schedule from here on?
Thanks,
Articulate

Dear Articulate,
I was about to write you an e-mail; you will also shortly get mail fom the office. Unfortunately, I have not short-listed you for this position, depite the fact that I found your application very interesting. I got several reasonably strong applications from candidates from within the EU, and given that we could only appoint a candidate from outside the EU if there are no equivalent EU candidates, the chances of you getting a work permit would be slim even if we did appoint you.
I am very sorry that I couldn't be more positive.
Best wishes, Jocelyn

I guess this means I won't bother applying for any more jobs in the UK. What's the point?

Random searches?

Just a tidbit from life in the world of Articulate Dad. Looking over my statcounter pages for my soon-to-expire graduate student webpages, which contain a great many articles and papers, as well as personal information about me, of the last 100 pageloads, the following are the searches for my RL name, or the hits with no referring link, meaning the web address was typed in by hand. (Granted, some of the searches could have been for the Astrologer in San Francisco, the History Professor in Toronto, the IT specialist in Canberra, or the Rabbi in New York). But, here goes:

Maharashtra, Mumbai, India
Oslo, Norway (Norwegian Central Governmental Offices)
England, London, United Kingdom (Ashgate Publishing Ltd)
Skane, Lund, Sweden
Illinois, Chicago, United States
Hawaii, Wahiawa, United States
District Of Columbia, Washington, United States
California, Berkeley, United States
North Carolina, Mooresville, United States
California, Los Angeles, United States
New York, Staten Island, United States
Ile-de-france, Paris, France
New Jersey, Mt. Laurel, United States
Distrito Capital, Santafé De Bogotá, Colombia
Catalu?a, Barcelona, Spain
Texas, Plano, United States
New Jersey, Princeton, United States (Princeton University) <--[Field 1] Dept.
Tennessee, Memphis, United States
Washington, Redmond, United States (Washington School Information Processing Cooperative)
Czech Republic (Fulbright Router)
Washington, Everett, United States (Washington School Information Processing Cooperative)
California, Azusa, United States (City Of Hope Medical Center)
District Of Columbia, Washington, United States (Latham & Watkins) <--Law Firm
United Kingdom (National Health Service)
United Kingdom (Edinburgh University)

Of those, the following also visited my PRW:

Maharashtra, Mumbai, India
Oslo, Oslo, Norway (Norwegian Central Governmental Offices)
England, London, United Kingdom (Ashgate Publishing Ltd)
Catalu?a, Barcelona, Spain

and, finally, from:

Massachusetts, Cambridge, United States (Harvard University)

This is a search for [my area of research] at The University of Paradise, which would be truly odd unless they were searching for me, since I am the only person studying this area ever to have graduated from this department.

Precariously Vicariously yours

I read of Professor Me's transformation into the role of professor, and I smile, vicariously, at her success. And my wife. Ah, my lovely, successful wife. While I wait, precariously, expecting rejection, or perhaps worse, mere silence, she has been diligently penning thank you notes to all the various interviewers she met last week. Here is what she's just forwarded me:

Rocket,
Thank you for your e-mail. It was nice meeting you. I hope that you will seriously consider employment at Rocket Central and specifically in my group. It would be a great opportunity to expand your technical capabilities while infusing our Section with dynamic expertise.
Chantelle

and

Rocket:
Thanks, we enjoyed talking with you too. I don't have the detail, but I do know that you will be receiving an offer to join Chantelle's group. As you probably recall, her group is responsible for [area my wife is most interested in]. If you decide you would prefer to get some complementary experience, there would be no problem moving to another group.
Pat

No telling what time and patience will bring, but my money is that we'll be moving soon, and not likely to the UK.

On the edge, on the cusp

My life is constituted by waiting, and the times in between.

I've been away, as I explained, spending a week being Dr. Dad full time. It wasn't as hard as I had expected. Quite pleasant mostly. But then, I knew my full-time duties would end after a week. Having a time frame (for anything!) helps. Now, I'm back, in a sorts, trying to pull my life together, and to catch up on all my bloggy friends. No surprises from Ianqui recounting the news that many bloggers blog about their life struggles, rather than as an outlet for their reportorial dreams. (Shock!) So, here's some more from me.

The Rocket Scientist and I spent a good part of the last several days, talking through all the possibilities in our lives. It's really good having a partner, a real partner in life. What we've both realized is our principal goal at the moment is to find a place where we can both pursue our professional lives, where we can settle, at least for 3-5 years.

Paradise seems in ways for both of us a dead-end. The atmosphere on campus is for me a bit poisoned. My lunch with Dean Michael Horowitz went well. Nice to have someone in his position find me worthy of taking lunch with, of talking to, of encouraging. He closed the lunch with the request that ten or fifteen years from now, I take him out to lunch to tell him all my successes. He made it clear that he has always found me someone who thinks "outside the intellectual box," with a great breadth of interests. It was nice to hear.

From his take, it sounds like I'm doing all the right things, pursuing the appropriate avenues. He did see me moving more toward [field 3] (which happens to lie under his purview, rather than within the humanities), or at least developing stronger ties and collaborations with researchers in that end of the spectrum. He suggested, though: success goes to the bullshitters, meaning... it's all a question of marketing. Get the job, then do your thing. Once you've got a post, no one assesses you on how well you fulfill the job description; they assess you on how well you accomplish what we academics do: research, publish, teach.

He intimated that chancellors and deans are not the ones to contact, that I really need department chairs to pull for me. I realize, here in Paradise there's really no one in those positions who will pull for me, not in my [field 1] or [field 2]. [Field 2] is a smallish program here, where they have difficulty getting enough enrollment in the standard fare, which they've already enough professors and grad students to teach.

The [field 1] department on the other hand entirely lacks vision (corroborated by Dean Horowitz). I told him the tale of my meeting with The Leprechaun, recounting his take on the hiring process. Horowitz said, that's perhaps how mediocre departments work, but not how outstanding ones do. My mother would say, I've yet to encounter an outstanding department. Be patient, the right place will find you. Patience, ah patience.

Of course, I applied for the brain imaging post. The latest in that saga is this:

Dear Jocelyn,
I am definitely still interested. I see the deadline has passed. I am heading out of town in the next hour, and won't be back until tomorrow. I would be pleased to send you my application by email once I return. I hope that works for you.
Best regards,
Articulate

Articulate,
that's absolutely fine. I was told that the closing date was inconsistent between different advertisements, so I was planning on drawing up the short list on the 24th. Take your time; it was my fault you are late, anyway!
Best wishes, Jocelyn

Dear Jocelyn,
Please confirm that you received my materials. The email with attachments was overlarge, and I know some systems will reject emails over 1 MB.
Thanks,
Articulate

Dear Articulate,
ideed, it looks like everything is there (three pdf attachments). Will get back to you on Monday.
Many thanks, Jocelyn

Now, for you readers following along at home, you may have noticed... it's Monday. Monday, monday, dah dah... so good to me, dah dah. Indeed, in the UK it's late in the evening. Someone from that university visited my PRW. I can only imagine it was Jocelyn or someone on the committee (assuming there is a committee). Hours ago... I wait. I so want something positive to turn out. Some recognition that my hard work is worth something to somebody.

And, we wait to hear back about my wife's anticipated job offer. Will we move? Will I have a job, a real job, come the fall? Will we be able once again to buy a house, a house we can expect to live in for the next three years or more? The wife and I have agreed to think about the 5-10 year time frame, and worry less on the today and tomorrow. That should help us get through this next period. I feel very strongly that we are on the cusp of something, some big change. It is exciting, and still scary. I fear the worst, while I hope for the best.

Stay tuned. The rollercoaster rides.

Movement

Everything is up in the air, but at least the movements afoot should land solidly in the next couple weeks. Tuesday afternoon, just before loading the family in the van to head to the town where my wife was to have her interview today, I checked my email:

Dear Articulate,

I am terribly sorry; I thought that I had replied to your e-mail, but now I realise that I probably haven't, because I can't see your application anywhere (I think I have confused you with another applicant by the same name). Yes, your background sounds very relevant and if you are still interested, I would be delighted to receive your application. ...

Best wishes, Jocelyn

Dr. Jocelyn Brotbaum is a program lead for a brain imaging unit dealing with aspects of my research, at a university in the UK. I had written to her three weeks ago, when a post-doctoral "career development fellowship" came up on one of my job searches. I had sent her a CV and a brief description of my background, training, and interests, along with links to my Personal Research Website.

No response, so I let the deadline pass. She wrote me after the official closing date, which indicates a certain degree of interest. In her response to a follow up email I wrote to this one, she indicated that I should simply email her my materials, and that she plans to draw up a shortlist next week. Hmmm. It's a three-year post-doc, squarely on the science side of that fence I keep sitting on. Of course I'm still interested. Brain imaging seems to be a lot sexier these days than other aspects of my research. Brain-based humanistic studies seem to be up-and-coming. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. We'll see.

The Rocket Scientist's job interview went well. Actually, she interviewed with FIVE different sections, meaning essentially she's got her pick of jobs, then they'll come up with an offer. Yikes! What a world. I wish I lived in it. She'll likely hear back from them in the next week or so. And, as it turns out the place she'd possibly work at, while a governmental unit, is officially run by a local university. Hmmm. Well, damn right we should negotiate if they want her: Um.... you see, my husband is an academic. What can you do to affect an appointment for him at the university?

Well, that's the update for the moment. Life is a rolling stone.

Another sleepless night

3:00am: the Painter comes into our room, as he has nearly every night for who-knows-how-long. He crawls into bed. I try to sleep. 10 minutes later, I fold him in my arms, carry him to his bed, kiss him, say I love you, good night, then climb back into my bed, tossing and turning.

All I can think about in the middle of an interrupted night is my foundering career, about having to ask my recommenders yet again to draft up a new recommendation letter (or at least, to take the 6 seconds it would take to paste a new date at the top of the old one) and forward it to my campus reference letter service. I contemplate whether I'll be asking my dissertation chair to draft up individual letters again for many of the jobs.

Who wants to read file letters? But I just can't see asking my writers to pen so many more. This will be my third real job cycle, I'm heading into. I feel guilty asking for letters. I hate this hate this hate this hate this! I hate being in this position. DAMN IT! I deserve better.

I deserve better than to be kept up at nights by these thoughts, these worries, these concerns. It's not my son's fault (though I really really really wish I could simply get him to stay in his own bed ALL NIGHT! At least if I'm not awakened, perhaps, I'd get a good night's sleep). Patience... patience and perseverance.

I crawled out of bed around 3:50, figuring it's better to stare at my computer screen, than suffer the din of my night-time tossing thoughts. Perhaps this way, my wife can sleep. It's been 45 minutes. I wonder if I'll be able to get back to sleep before daylight.

The dream trickles away

Drib by drab, slowly, relentlessly, like the mossy, moldy, minerally liquid on the walls of a cavern, glistening in the manufactured light brought in by gawkers, it flows ... downward, downward, downward, seeking bottom, a resting place, the dream trickles away. I've always known what I wanted in life, at any given moment. It's a question I have visited often, returned to, turned over in my mind, controlled. No more. I'm lost and confused, saddened, depressed. But always borderline.

Sometimes I wish I were an alcoholic, or bipolar, that I lived under a dictatorship, or a racist regime, something to point at, something to blame. I've got nothing, though. Only confusion. I simply don't understand. If I were incompetent, or lazy, but I'm not. I'm just me: passionate, driven, enthusiastic, engaging. Am I just missing it? Do all those people secretly despise me? The people I know from conferences: do they roll their eyes in disgust, once I step away, at my arrogance or foolishness? What about those senior scholars: do they wish I would simply go away, fade into absence?

I simply can't tell. But I know what I'm capable of. If I have the motivation (and the funds) I could give a half dozen lectures in a half dozen countries as soon as I could schedule them. I know. The invitations are open ended: Lithuania, Finland, Estonia, Croatia, Germany, Czech Republic. I could plan the flights tomorrow.

Greg penned a remark on my last post that I should pour my energies into articles. Yes, indeed. Sage advice, I believe. I should. I should simply steer my ship toward welcoming shores. But I'm so afraid!

I told my wife last night that I feel like a boy in a Chinese circus (I have a vivid image from an episode of Sesame Street), spinning plates on sticks: once I get to the end, I know I must run back and start the first one spinning again, before it drops. So many directions, so many options. Options Paralysis. Isn't that what Douglas Coupland called it?

There's a part of me that wants to walk away. I did in fact. Three job applications sit on my desktop, partially completed. They're all due tomorrow. They won't be sent. It felt too much like going through the motions, like a gambler heading back to the slot machine, or a drunk heading back to the bar, not out of any real desire, but simply out of habit. I'm addicted to job applications, and just now I prefer the jitters.

I've already sent out too much of my soul, too much of myself in so many tiny pieces, licked and stamped and sealed away in those envelopes. I imagine those little bits of me, gasping for air, when department or human resources staff deigns to unseal the envelope, untuck its contents, stamp them received, place them in a folder, and file them away, to be handled, all too briefly, by the fingers of distracted, overburdened, unimpressed faculty. 50 times over that has happened this year. 50 committees have overlooked my work, my worth, my life, neatly replacing my file in the stack. Not what we're looking for...

Nothing personal to all those committees: I'm too good to be treated that way! I've got too much to give, to be brushed aside.

Starting tomorrow, for the duration of a week, I'm Dr. Dad, full-time. The au pair has the week off. Maybe I need a week off too. A week to enjoy one part of my life that is... really and truly wonderful, amazing, inspiring. It's the patience and the commitment to let go of this other part of my life, even if it is just letting go for a week, that will be the difficult part.

Oh, and I've got a lunch appointment with Dean Michael Horowitz next Friday. Wednesday is the Rocket Scientist's job interview out of town for a possible new gig. She'll spot me a couple hours on Friday so I can go have lunch. Who knows what will come of this week, or next? I may not say much this week. But you'll understand. Be well. I'll catch you on the other side (or whenever I can steal a few moments).

Energy wanes, in waiting

...

...

... NOTHING

...

... Um... uhh...

... NOTHING...

You know, the wait is interminable. So, what the hell am I waiting for? Godot?
I got some energy last week to push ahead with things. But my plan was to push ahead with contacting people to see what might come up. I'm still waiting on people, other people, letting them rule my life, my energy, my time, my spirit. Not the best of plans, eh?

So, I've spent a lot of time researching investments. When you sell a house, at a profit (even if it's much less than you'd have liked), and you'd owned the house for 7 years... well, there's a lot of cash (by my standards) that I've got to divvy out. Some went to pay down student loans, and some goes into new investments. As long as the investments are beating the loan interest rate, I buy more. If not, I pay lumpsums to reduce the debt. Simple plan. But investment research has been a big distraction for me (in many ways, a welcome one). At least when I'm handling the family finances, I feel useful.

What else could I be doing? Hmmm. there are a few more fellowship and faculty posts in the UK that I had been thinking of applying for. Deadline this Friday. Haven't done that. The Rocket Scientist will be going for a couple job interviews at this new place (two different groups vying for her attentions) just as soon as they can schedule it. UK not her first pick; my career foundering; her's flying skyward, contrails flashing, no damage from falling foam. And, I got a boost of energy to pursue things locally, to push ahead with my projects, to seek my own funding.

Little incentive therefore to chase pie in the sky on the other side of the pond. Oh, I may still apply for the jobs. It's just that my expectations have gone out the door. It feels too often like just going through the motions. How I felt last week, it seems like this new plan is the way for me to go, forge off on my own, mark my territory, dig my niche.

So, where's my energy now? I need energy. I need drive. I need to find a second wind, and forget about the feelers I've already sent out. They may go nowhere. Intellectually, I understand the premise that my job is done once the application, or article, or what have you is sent out. That is, my job is done unless or until they follow up. I get stuck at that point, hoping, wishing, wondering, ruminating, theorizing. Ah, chuck it.

Actually, there's been some goodish news lately. I've been in touch with the editor of the journal that is publishing my dissertation distillation article. It should be published by the end of the month. It's a fairly new online journal in my field, which straddles the humanistic and scientific divide. It's quite exciting to be a part of that development. It's a home I really wish to claim. Mine will be (by far) the longest article they will have published (about twice the next longest), which in itself only tells me that, despite the length, they found it worthy of publication. I didn't set out to write a long article, merely a good one. I'm glad they deem it such. More importantly, mine will be their first article to incorporate multimedia elements. It's nice to be able to justify the online nature of the publication in this way. So, that's positive.

I'm still hoping something will come of all this. I'm not yet ready to walk away from the research, but the energy (as always) seems to ebb and flow. I'm at lowtide right now. Here's to watching my tide come in.

Schmoozing the outskirts

My [Field 3] is not a part of the Humanities, rather it's on the other side of the fence I was talking about the other day. In ways, it's a field that's quite important to my research, its relevance, and to aspects of the methodology I use. When I was a graduate student and an officer of the Grad Student government, I had occasion to rub shoulders with much of the upper administration at the university, making acquaintance (or friends) with some. Michael Horowitz, Dean of the the university's Division for Mathematics, Biological and Physical Sciences, under which [Field 3] is housed, was one who fell under the friendlier category. Among my recent email schmoozing, I sent him the following note:

Dear Michael,
As it turns out, I'm still here on campus, post-PhD, plugging away on my research, and seeking opportunities to continue and expand it. I've enjoyed our occasional talks in the past, finding in you an always sympathetic ear for my cross-disciplinary forays.

If you might have some time in the next few weeks to sit down over lunch or a cup coffee to offer some of your sage advice and guidance, I would be most appreciative. To get you up-to-date on what I've been up to, I attach my current CV.

Also, please take a look at my personal research website [URL].

Best regards,

Articulate

To which he responded:

Dear Articulate,

I'd very much like to take you to lunch. I'll ask my assistant Jacques Verde to find a mutually available slot for us to get together.

Best wishes,

Michael

Oh yeah! I do so like the schmoozing. :)

Email Schmoozing and Commitment

Well, it's been all one way so far. Sent out quite a few emails in the past day, mostly this morning, to follow up on my discussion yesterday with Pedestrian Organ regarding research support and funding. It being Friday, I may not hear back from anyone until next week. I've written to center directors and deans to see what interest I can drum up. Who knows? As I put it in one of the emails "I'm one of your own". Maybe they'll have some attachment to me, some commitment to the success of one of their graduates. What I'm asking so far should cost them very little in terms of funding, resources, and energy. I'm seeking a means to render my research self-sustaining, and in the process enhance the research of the university.

Sure, it's self-serving, it's a question of survival. But none of this is simply about me. If it were, I would have gone into another line of work, for sure. Deep down, I believe my research is meaningful, not just for me, but beneficial for society, for the growth of our knowledge and understanding. Isn't that what we all believe, those of us committed to the life of scholarship? It is what I truly believe, and what keeps me plugging away, keeps me committed to withstand the continued insults of rejection that pummel me.

This is worthwhile. This is true. This is me.

Branches, update

Good meeting this afternoon with Pedestrian Organ. Now I have to follow up with some of the suggestions. Looks like my first line of action is to 1) wait and see what Biker has to say about what they can do for me; 2) contact the dean of humanities and see what they might be able to do for me. If I can get (as Pedestrian put it) "a door" that'd be great. I've got minimal affliation at the moment: a title and letterhead, a library card, and a place to plop my laptop. So, the question is can I up that status to say an official appointment (even if it's a 0% appointment), and an office? Can I finagle some start-up funding for my own center, or at least affliation with an existing center that would buff up my profile, and thus my potential for external funding? Meantime, I need to follow up on as many internal funding sources as I can.

And, the Rocket Scientist has an interview coming up for a possible job a couple hours from here. So, we might be moving, but still within commutable distance, if I wound up getting an appointment here. Nothing certain, but it's worth looking into. So, things are up in the air, but in a good way. Keep tuned.

Branches, onward

Dear Articulate-- I've forwarded your email to our new research development coordinator, Pedestrian Organ. He should be in touch shortly.

Best,

Verbena
_________________________________

Hello Dr. Dad:

Verbena Anxious forwarded your request to me and I'd like to set up a meeting with you to discuss your [Longitudinal Project]. I am the Research Development Coordinator here at [Campus Humanities Center], which is the less direct way of saying that I am here to help people turn good ideas into funded proposals. Maybe we can talk about your project and kick around some ideas for future funding. I read over quite a bit of your website and found it quite interesting. [Particular Research Areas] are topics I have pondered quite a bit. I'd love the opportunity to hear more about your research and brainstorm some possible funding agencies. Maybe you have some time tomorrow afternoon? Maybe next week on Wednesday?

-Pedestrian Organ
________________________________

Meeting scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. Onward and upward!

I've talked about my 5 year plan to be Director of a Center for Research in [Area 1] & [Area 2]. Why wait five years? I've got time on my hands right now.

Branching out: movement afoot

Dear Biker*,

It was good running into you the other day at Trader Joe's. You suggested that I contact you if there is anything you could do to help my career get going. I've got some ideas. If you have time for lunch or coffee sometime soon, I'd be glad to sit down with you and hash some of them out. If your schedule won't allow, let me know, and I'll write up what I'm thinking.

Here's the executive summary:

I graduated with my PhD in [Field 1] (with an Emphasis in [Interdisciplinary Field]), June 2005. Currently, I'm a Visiting Scholar in the [Field 2] Department. My research focuses on [Area 1] and [Area 2] studies, in particular on [More Details]. I am looking to expand this work into a Center for Research in [Field 1] and [Field 2]. You can check out my Personal Research Website [URL] to get a sense of the work I'm engaged in. I've got one grant proposal under consideration (with the NEH), and a second one under preparation (likely to be submitted to the NIH).

I have years of experience in fundraising and development, so I'm confident, with the necessary push, that I could make this project self-sustaining. I'm hoping there are possibilities for greater affiliation with the University than my visiting scholar status allows, which might facilitate me in establishing the center, and in raising funds and garnering grants to support it. Please let me know your thoughts, or if there is a time we can sit down to talk.

Best regards,

Articulate

* [Executive Asst. to the Chancellor]
______________________________________________

Dear Verbena*,

I am currently a Visiting Scholar in [Field 2] at the University of Paradise. I received my PhD in [Field 1] (from U of P) June 2005. I am seeking opportunities to continue and expand my research. Any support or assistance the [Campus Humanities Center] could offer would be greatly appreciated. The project I am currently seeking funding for is called the [Longitudinal Project]. A draft proposal is posted on my research website at [URL]

Let me know when is a good time to stop by for a chat.

Thank you,

Articulate

Edited to add: *[Assistant Director, Campus Humanities Center]

Don't make the boss regret it

I had a realization today, as we were playing with the boys and cleaning the house (purging to make us more limber): As my wife is supporting me at the moment, I suppose she's doing so, in order that I can gain greater satisfaction out of my life than I would, say, if I took a job as barista or book shelver. So... I really ought to do what I can to see to it that I'm actually more satisfied in life than I would be otherwise. Otherwise, what's the point?

So, in my convoluted, baroquely reasoned way, I guess it's high time I just start enjoying where I am, and stop grumbling quite. so. much.

That's all. Go back to your weekend doings.